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Floyd Apr 2018
I found it !
Betchu , you don't even know about it.
I bet it hurts, but it's gone hurt much more - as we go deep into the future person!
I don't think you deserve your title !
Simultaneously I think you do.
This thing I found - I don't think I was supposed to find this proof.!
I thought I needed confirmation from death - and look who brung it to me.
They say mental problems are something that's inherited.
I thought that was overrated - this paper shows me something different, its too ****** vivid.
It's like a nightmare , that I'm embracing .
Running from the devil , then get trapped in a corner - just to face him.
I don't think this was meant for me - ok but if it was.
Who can I run to for help - when it was you that I trust?
How can I trust you - when you ain't got no confidence yourself?
And you never said that - honestly I never thought , I wouldn't be in need of your help.
Instead you're the one crying out for closure.
I knew the feeling was off that day when I woke up.
I didn't pay any attention - I left , I thought there was something in the world that I was missing.
I knew that feeling was off , I come back a few hours later - to a cut on your arm?!
Wow , this **** so ****** hard to believe - I look down and see a letter, covered in red.?!
Honestly I think god for sparing your life and many others that would've been affected - I would've been mentally dead.
However , now - scenarios keep consuming my head .!
All the " what if's" and the "why the f* did you do this".!
Still as hardened cement - not one single sound, escaped from my lips.
Person you're a coward - I can't ****** believe you .
I'm no better , I guess you can say we're both getting mentally strangled by life's chain.
So who's stronger - I always wanted to do it , but never had the courage - you did it but didn't get submerged in the red rain.
I guess it's better to stop running and just embrace the pain .
I'm numb , this feeling - honestly isn't like any other !!
I found your sui-cide letter mother...
Floyd Jan 2018
Adolescent, child - he was raised in the wild.
The urban hoods of the north - yet he loved reading books.
Quite more than the average , was he overlooked.
All from the way he looks .
A deep pain in his eyes , from a life he'd not yet experienced - yet will forever despise.
Being judged from the outside , in - was something he could never understand.
Twisting and twirling his thoughts - way before , he got trapped in the dark.
Long before life , could trace him in chalk.
His life is a spark , that could easily embark - his new life of crime.
Fast forward through some time - he isn't a child - so now , on the streets , he relies.
Although , he hasn't realized - the tests , he has to try.
He isn't ready , yet deep in his eyes - a scorching fire begins.
Something everyone sees , except for him .
He's too used to hurt , false words, broken promises , plus more.
Not eating too many days out the week , plus he sleeps on a floor.
Often gazing in the reflecting glass , as if , it is a door .
To a different realm , his mind starts to unwind.
He sees that he's gifted - he doesn't make the right picks.
Using his talents , to fill an empty stomach .
Using his eyes and words of persuasion, to intimately- punish.
Multiple females insides, often looking older than what he is.
They loved him - chocolate , and charming , with a tongue that caused the ultimate pleasure.
All the while , he's nowhere near , showing feelings for them .
Caught up in his own troubles , of gangbanging and life.
Scheming how to get back up , after he tripped - from his ultimate stride.
At night , he gasp and he cries - only on the inside.
He knows this life , preys on the weak.
He's done a lot of bad doings , perhaps that's why cold sweats- interrupt most of his sleep.
Maybe from drug dealing, cheating , and robbing .
You know - causing other people misery .
He couldn't possibly have ever seen - the smack that came hard .
The big steel door , or the enclosed yard .
Detained.
He was only 16 , facing 3 to 5 years .
For a fight that was in school , 4 felonies.
At first he felt , now he knew - this isn't  cool.
What the hell would you do .?
Pray every day?
Stay awake every night ?
The judge cancelled 3 court hearings , two months in a row.
He considered suicide - this pen on his cot , started to glow.
He prayed to god , as he dropped to his knees.
The first time he actually took a higher being seriously.
He got out Friday the 13th , with not a single felony .
Record clean , and this isn't a dream.
Skip the follow ups , since now he barely gives a ****.
******* in the middle of his face, causing people to say "what a disgrace".
Not even knowing the basics, that's what this poem is .
The basics of his life - since y'all won't ever get the details.
Living a life he can't tell , he smiles everyday - like nothing bad has ever happened.
This guy is me , our mind is the ultimate weapon.
Floyd Jan 2018
Is it bad that I'm losing feelings for you ?
The world keeps changing - but I had faith in you .
Your words don't match actions , I don't want no spoken proof .
You used to make my heart leap through the roof .
Things aren't the same , we grew up , at the same time - things started to change.
I was thinking you'll be mine for life - now I know , that isn't right.
I just wish you didn't  tell me that like every night.
I keep silent with all of my might .
Y'all don't understand , how I've been feeling inside .
I feel like a demon who cries - but a tear never leaves from my eyes
I try to yelp - but no fear ever leaves from my mouth .
I'm cursed with a blessing , of writing more than I talk .
Sometimes I have faith in the dark - since that is, what makes up most of my heart.
My life's full of light , but no spark .
A vast ocean of ****** fish - however, who is the shark ?
That's harsh reality - cloudy - I squint , because I'm trying to see .
If I should release this demon right up out of me.
Hate to say , I'm proud of - me being - what I hate to see.
I view obstacles & run straight at em , although - they could break my knees.
When life gets harsh - sometimes I wish I could just get up & ******* leave .
I don't wanna breathe , or take a deep breath .
**** being calm & relaxed - this pain coming back to back .
I think I'm starting to relapse .
Floyd Jan 2018
**** it - this what I asked for ,
Now should I beg for more ?
Tell me ,as it consumes my core.
My brain been on a different level lately .
No more creative thoughts - they're all looking gloomy & dark .
Unsuspected ****** to my back - and the pain is so sharp .
I can't ever trust a soul - ain't no telling who's really here for me.
Me - being the main one everyone seems to call .
When their light vanishes - yet I'm the one rarely panicking.
It's my life - that's faker than a mannequin.
They say I should breathe - inhale deep & exhale a little slower .
I don't feel like anyone cares - why should I let this feeling roll over?
Now , why shouldn't I take my life ?
Living hasn't been feeling too right - maybe dying would be a little more nice.
I haven't even been smiling the same .
Who has the controller , to this ****** up game - it isn't fair .
So if death a little more equal - than **** it , I'm not even scared.
& when I'm in front of the devil , & god ask why'd you do it - I'll yell " **** it , **** - I'm already here"
No ,I'm not taunting no being - this is how I truthfully feel .
Numb to the world - I thought I'd be used to the pain .
This pain is like an eruption of fire , mixed into the clouds and the rain .
Then you're soaked in the heat - as poverty pulls at your feet .
Like a great battle that you're constantly losing - you try to retreat , and quicksand cease all of your moving.
I'm stuck with irrational thoughts , thinking , "I can't ****** do this".
Intelligently clueless, this mind is so crucial .
  Jan 2018 Floyd
Ayana
I love you but I hate you....

I want to hurt you... make you feel my pain.. but I can't find myself to...

Why do we fight when all we want is each other...

I swear Ill love you till death and in death

I don't blame you for hating me ....I always try so hard in turn it blows up in my face and others...

My anger **** it ....it keeps me back...my big mouth... Why can't I let sleeping dogs lie...

Then there's my what ifs .... Sometimes I'm worried that my mind and heart will never agree on anything constant competition....

Everything good seems bad ..I'm confused and sometimes I try to convince myself that everything will be okay but it's even harder to believe...., me....

A.Jackman
Sometimes we try so hard to end up failing  in the long run.
Floyd Jan 2018
Marinating in pain , losing conscious of my subconscious .
I need a manual to this manipulative mind.
Mind over matter , but I can't seem to gaze into that looking glass, & stay proud of myself.
Somehow , still self confident - I'm really not too fond of y'all help.
I'm trapped in a dark room , surrounded by ovalish lights - all eyes on me.
You see , this room is my mind , and these lights are my thoughts - yet I still can't seem to calculate where the **** is my heart.
I'm dull with a spark - of something unexplainable and cold.
It feels like god made me the only one , who's intrigued with cracking this code .
A smile hides a million tears , tell me something I don't faithfully  show.
Im in love with the pain , but often I pretend like I'm not .
Persuading my limbic system that I don't love anyone , so maybe the pain can ease - since I know it won't stop .
It all came crashing - so very swift .
Simultaneously nothing seemed to make the slightest of switch.
Bad choices seem to invade like the most uncomfortable itch .
Itching my soul , to become a better person .
Hopefully these feelings don't cause my coldness to worsen .
Lately the devil has been continuously working .
Like a plague , that keeps spreading - it must die down .
Though happiness is far - I shouldn't frown .
For it will come back, when I stop saving pain from being drowned .

— The End —