somethings we never recover.
we still feel it in our bodies and in our minds.
some traumas never leave us.
so how do we live with it ?
We don’t.

something I’ve always feared has turned into something I welcome.
i welcome change in this New Year !

i really wish I died that night in June.
They should have let me die…that night in June
nothing has been more peaceful then that night in June

I wish things never changed between us
I wish we never changed
I wish I could go back and do it all over again but
the question is would it really change anything ?
I wish I still had you
But to be completely honest
you were never mine
to begin with.

I cannot help but think about you
And how our story ended so abruptly.
Only so many times I can say sorry
I want to say I will change,
But I cannot promise you that.
I can promise that
I am still the girl that cannot make up her mind.
I am still the girl that fights with her thoughts.
I am still the girl that loves too hard.
I am still the girl that loves you
I am still the girl that you loved.
I am also the girl that you left.
I could never be the person you wanted me to be
I could never change myself to be who you wanted.
Who you needed.

For two years ive been attached
to you , flinging to every breath.
Thanking you every second I got for “saving” me  

When in all honesty i saved myself.

I need you to be alright
I still need you to teach me so many things
I cannot go on without you
Do not leave me
Please.

When I opened the box it unleashed parts of the past I wasn’t ready to confront ,
Memories I would rather not relive .

Maybe I needed to be confronted to actually heal , but I do not know how to handle this pain

Confrontation is new for me , having to deal with emotions other than just burying it .

How can I forgive them ?
How can I heal from this ?
How can I complete this process of grief ?

Questions I ask my self daily , questions I’m not ready to answer
Frankly .. I’m not ready for this new season in my life
I’m not ready to move on
Confrontation will have to wait .

Death calls my name constantly,
Always in my ear
Whispering to me in times of vulnerability,
One day I fear I’ll listen .

When I thought my eye couldn’t shed another tear , I cried more .
The tears would not stop .
The pain became unbearable , I could no longer keep it in . Hands covered my mouth in attempt to silence my pain , but I could not stop not this time .
My cries are for myself not anyone else .
I long for my happiness .
I’m praying for the day to say I made it .