if everything love,
do not mistaken my worries for regrets,
for all the love i feel in my heart,
it is all for you.

i dont know why i feel so,
im still trying to find ways of out of this maze,
because it kills me that you want to know why i love you,
because there could be trillions of reasons,
but really,
which one will your soul fond the most?

if everything love,
i want you to know,
till this day im still trying to find the right words to say,
so that i will not hurt you in any way while saying it,
and i swear on my life, darling,
hurting you is never my intention,
it is never the ‘last thing i would do’ ,
as what some lovers might say.

but on top all, my love,
i swear,
i swear,
i swear,
this heart has always loved you.

I keep replaying the same moment in my mind
Your hand stroking my hair
I never felt so much comfort and happiness
And I’m losing you
And I keep, replaying the same moment.
And collapsing, and breaking down,
Nauseous. Because I won’t feel it again.

Pinky promises mean nothing all of a sudden
Oh what a foolish girl I am
For caring for the health of others
If you don’t hurt yourself I won’t hurt myself, I lived by it.
But you don’t care
So neither do I.
Goodbye.
I always hated the vulnerable side of myself
I know you so well yet you’re a stranger to me.
I’ll never go back to my own ways
Because I’m better than that
No more scars
I’d never hurt my younger self if she was to stand in front of me
So I won’t do it now.
Would you?
You wouldn’t.
So don’t.
But who am I to care anymore about you.

You didn’t have to take the pills
You don’t have to take the scan
You didn’t have to *****
You didn’t have to be in pain
You didn’t have to be scared
You didn’t have to feel the ******* that traumatises you for weeks with no end
You didn’t have to live with my ***** body
Don’t dare say it was your stress
Because you have nothing else

I made food
But I didn’t eat it
Waiting for it to pop out the toaster
Seemed like a lifetime
As I swayed in fatigue
Losing my feet
I hop into bed
Melt into the mattress
As nice as it seems
It’s exhausting

When you feel my skin so close to yours,
Do you want to place your fingertips where your eyes so often go?
And do I make your heart flutter and your mind go numb?
And am I that girl who just might turn your world around?

an average human creature should such a mythical exist
in a lifetime will celebrate about 2,200,000,000 heartbeats,
billions of heartbeats per minute (I prefer moment)
but like everything so essence human there are
those very few heartbeat moments,
the ten or twenty maybe forty total in a lifetime
that you total truly remember,
recalling the cream and sauce,
swell and the hell,
of the pounding so slow so hard,
each one a volcano of
a moment until that day
you don't remember-anything

when she said yes and you're shaking and beating in a
*****-tonk rhythm cause you were heart undressed unsure
and truly afraid of a rejection that makes a heart stoppage
disallowing visions, to be exponentially happy future imagined

you're feeling your heartbeat
in your knees going weak,
when the doctor says:

congratulations healthy swell
and/or
some years later,
I'm so so truly sorry, hell

when they hand you a long handle shovel no instructions needed and that scoop of earth weighs two tons and the sound of slow reverb in your head hurts like hell and you lack the strength to move and they move you aside quiet gentle like
but inside the temple of the two headed hydra-heart,
it's the rock and roll of slo mo, the violin crying, the drumming of
heavy metal chords plucked so slowly, it's you froze screaming

a billionaire of heartbeats you are,
but only ten or twenty maybe forty total in a lifetime
you total truly remember with the perfect clarity and
forever renders into your own unique orchestral symphony,
your true net worth, the stripes you wear
upon your shoulders skin,  
the tune when you hear it and melts you into rigidity

you fall to your knees wherever you are,
that is where you will find me,
just listen for the cars horns blaring
cursing the man lying in the street, re-listening to
ten or twenty maybe forty heartbeats total in a lifetime

you alone total truly that concert set recall and
the win-loss record inherent, inhiment,
in both of them, tears and the rents, all there in the tunes,
of forty beatings you took,
somehow it feels like here is, there was,
the answers to
where is shelter for the heart,
the answers that have gone and come and gone and someone says,

I don't feel a pulse