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JasFow Jun 2019
I’m tired.
Not as lost as I once was
Still as confused as I’ve always been
This day last year
Celebrating the birth of someone
The person I thought to be my best friend
Yet they chose to throw me away later
Making my own decision
For once I wanted to pick me
Look what good that did
Like my every person I knew before
Trust given before it’s asked for
Just to be ripped apart
By myself
A ticking time bomb
Sociopath behind a smile and a laugh
I’ve screamed
Cried loud enough to break eardrums
The silence still was all I heard
Round two
Love of my life and and I’ll never be a wife
They won’t let me implode
Deserving to burn, roast in the suffering
I should cry again
Feeling nothing is somehow
No better
No worse
Nothing
What I feel
I need help but all I get is
Nothing
All I deserve
Is to be
Thrown
Away
Again
JasFow Jun 2019
I met him in the same store
Wearing the same uniform
A very similar smile on his lips
And a story also identical
I even heard they’re friends
Both men who I would wink at
And giggle to their jokes
I was the only joke there
Neither one can ever know
But after falling
Living a love hidden away
Being ripped apart and crushing my soul
Almost two years have passed
And he’s still with his wife
It’s like I was never there
It never happened, I didn’t exist
He got to keep going
I had to restart, again
Now in an almost different life time
I’m talking to the other
He’s kinder and more respectful
But could it be different
He keeps a line he won’t cross
The first never drew lines
He’s responsible and knows better
Deep down I want to find out
Could something more come
Of our coffee drinks and long talks
Silky screen shot photos
Sweet messages of how we deserve more
I want this to be different.
Maybe he will leave his wife
Before he presses against me for a kiss
Before he tells me I’m his only real love
Before i believe him
Before his wife finds out
Before everyone knows
Before I’m a ****, again
Before I’m thrown away
Before
Please, let this be different
I made a mistake before, please don’t let this be the same
JasFow May 2019
Held back smiles
Catching eyes
Loving the way you never lie
Continuing to wish you
Would lie to me

Say you
Love me more
JasFow May 2019
Time doesn't seem to change much of reality for me
The sun rises in the morning, but my room remains dark
Setting in the evening, it all feels the same
All the risks I've taken have led me to this
No home, no family, no hope
The man with a wife didn't care for me, no matter how many "I Love You"s were muttered and spoken
While I was burning from the fire that was thrown at me, they went on their way and here I stay, entrapped by cage of nothingness
It wasn't real, but maybe it's better this way
My friend from before became my everything and best companion
A best friend can come from anywhere
While we both feel pain in our hearts from different people, we understand how life can be bitter
But she threw me away all the same
I can encase myself in a world where all is well and my closest comrade shares my feelings and understands my sorrows, just to move to another day
The birds singing before dawn may sound like a new beginning symbolizing something bright unseen
My bleeding ears only catch a buzzing that stings and foreshadows the **** that is to come
But I deny it existing and thrive in a bubble of make believe
It carries me to tomorrow
JasFow May 2019
The lipsticks on my lips don't change the words that come from them
The mascara on my lashes doesn't keep me from seeing the looks I get
The piercings on my ears don't stop me from hearing what they say
I dye my hair to look less like my past, dark and bold
Cut away the length so I can grow on my own and start short
The resemblance fades by the day as I see me as Myself
A monster that I always lock eyes with in the mirror is dying
Its power from my fear is crumbling with each change I make
Bold harsh slices through every word I position, killing a Me that no longer exists
With all of these transitions you'd think I found who I was
No.
Now I'm even more lost
JasFow May 2019
Years pass and they all seem gone
Endless wars I never won
Therapy told me not to forget
Somehow I still lost them like a bet
Only appearing in mid wake
Sweating and I jolt and awake
It wasn't fair she could get past the bars
After the endless trauma she gave me with scars
Do other children fear their givers the same
So petrified at night they cry at the thought of their name
The alcohol that molded me into the demon that follows
Doesn't erase my past, but still makes me hollow
My mind is beyond being ****** up by me
It was already ruined by my pure reality
God, counseling, medication, drugs
Nothing is healing me as much as a hug
Simple request of a woman torn apart
Being dragged on pavement scraping my heart
Blood left showing my path
I prayed hoping to be freed of the wrath
Bad decisions/some call it luck
All is painful and seems worse than being hit by a semi truck
Theres no savior or bandaid that seals the wound
Suffering this heat with hopefully end it all soon
JasFow May 2019
i prefer to have them watch me
its better than them not to notice
now do you understand
the short shirts and ***** shorts
see through tops show bras with no underwire
eyebrows filled in and lips filled with lip liner
ive become unaware of my volume
speaking loud enough to show my power
why should i hide
wanting to make a hero i made a monster at the same time
the names labeling me are more than likely true
i don't fear the looks they give
they almost fuel me to stand taller and show a bit more
say what you must
your words will feed my lust
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