Shut up, they say
Stop talking
You do this every day
I can hear their words mocking
Even when I’m far away

Your words are poison, snake
Speaking remains a mistake
They cause my bones to ache
As they try to make me break

So weak that tricks are your only refrain
Coward who doesn’t fight fair
Is it fair, the pain?
That they inflict upon me
Is it wrong to be defensive and scared?

The consequences of my pride
Bring me more malice than I deserve
But their lack of compassion
Is what I would rather preserve

My words serve me well
But are no use against them
So quite often I sit still and I dwell

I wonder if they’re right to treat me as such
I wonder whether trickery is wrong
The words are the cause for my success
But It’s why I’d never belong

They say I am disloyal
A disappointing sight
In a place where others are royal
I am too useless to fight

Now I spend my days away
From everyone outside
My days stay grey
As I continue to hide

Lonely I remain
Too tired to feign
For my speech maybe overgrown
But still I am alone

My mouth is stretched into a parody of a smile
As I look into the mirror
I swallow down the rising bile
Try to make my vision clearer

I wipe the tears off my face
As I contemplate
Which choice would hold more grace?
I try not to deteriorate

I tell myself it’s okay
You don’t have to worry anymore
You can lock yourself away
Deep within your core

I try to still my mind
And look around for the last time
To this place that I will never again find
This enigmatic pantomime

Finally I close my eyes
And when they open I’m gone
My real self dies
And my conscious soul is withdrawn

Stand tall
Stand proud
Stand strong
No matter what they say

You’re not we want
You never have been
Oh please just go away

What a disappointing child
A waste of our precious time
Her innocence has long since died
And monumental are her crimes

I look straight at them and smile
As they spew this poison forth
Willing myself to face the trial
This calculation of my worth

I remind myself to hide
And hold my head up high
For behind the facade of pride
I cannot help but cry inside

I try my best to insult
Openly defying
For there is no use in trying
To delay the sure result

They want to see me broken
They want to make a point
But I won’t ever be soft spoken
I’m sorry to disappoint

What defines you?
Your family? Friends? Relatives too?
I throw my head back in sweet laughter
Even though I’m sad
Asking if you think that I
Have somebody who cares

You say don’t give up
You say I don’t know
That the people who love me
Are always close

I wonder what you mean
When you say this with a smile
Who would WANT to love me
Even though you say I have a sweet smile

I reply I don’t know
And there’s nothing to say
Because my meaning is ebbing away
Nothing defines me
Nothing ever will
For I am somebody
Who will never be filled

I lie through my teeth
A smile on my face
A quip on my lips
And a plan rushing through my brain

I cast my bait
I stop and wait
So you believe the fake I am
I pull you close and hug you
Only to stab you in the back

I warn you not to cross me
And you think it’s merely an act
Little do you know that
It is too well planned for that

I let you through my walls
So in the end you’re shocked
When I do exactly as I promised
And I walk away still locked

So you take your leave
Quickly and cautiously
Lest I hurt you
Or pretend to be your friend
Try to make you trust me
Just to betray you in the end

At last you finally say
With a grimace upon your face
When someone says they loved me once
‘Oh the game she had you play’

I’m better off without her
That creature who’s insane
The cheat
Liar
Manipulator

One without any compassion
One who will never know love
Loyalty or friendship
Something she works with hand in glove
But is beyond her understanding
Frozen like her heart
She will never have it
They will always be kept apart

Little do you know
That my nights and all my days
Are filled with the memories
Of the people I have crazed

It wouldn’t have hurt this monster (wouldn’t it?)
To lock herself away
Away from the few
Who did not condemn her
(openly at least)
To use their words against them
(far too much experience with that)
To keep her soul awake
Running from the demons
That she’s always had to face

The cruel whispers and the voices
That goad her into thinking
That all she’s ever good for
Is her lying and her tricking

And as I perch on the windowsill
Begging for death’s embrace
I stop myself knowing
That the only absolution
My only reprieve
Will come if I am living
Haunted and tortured for all my days

How many times I cried
How many times I begged
Don’t take me there
Not ever
I’ll do anything I swear

She glared at me with unfeeling eyes
As she always has
But in that moment
I just didn’t care
And waited for her to spare

She dragged me to the pool without a thought or care
The place where I had drowned before
And no one had been aware
I shudder as I remember what happened on that day
The water all around me choking my life away

She pushed me in the deep and walking away she said
“Try to go for good this time, and don’t come back again”
Silent tears slid down my face
Even though I knew
How foolish it was of me
To think that she wouldn’t go

I swam and swam
But tired at last
I sank down to the ground
Ready to die and accepting
That it was to be this way

I saw you waiting there
At the other end
Even though it wasn’t true
I still believe you were there
And you said
“Stay”

And I believed
In a better life and hope
I pulled myself out and walked away
No longer wanting that rope