am I enough?

unable to help others

having my hands *******

it's making me worthless

there was once a little flower
with a huge smile
sitting in the grass
with its yellow petals
singing a lullaby
waiting for some child to approach

the kind of power that it kept
it was nowhere seen before
not in a thousand years at least

it grew up with a ray of sunshine
but it was surrounded by darkness
so its heart was in the wrong place
it was confused

it owned the hearts of 6 kids
and with 1 more
the world as we know it

would end

he's reading the newspaper
sitting on the couch
with a football match in the background
he is quiet
and peaceful
on the other hand
there's his wife
running in the kitchen
worried about not having dinner on time
it's like this
they are old school
the woman cleans, cooks, washes...
she does everything around here
while the old man just sits
and wait for the next meal

I wish I didn't exist
not even like a bee
neither like a tree
because those things are alive
and I don't wanna be
not with this

I struggle every day with myself
not to make terrible choices
I try to contain

but you can't expect something to be empty
if you keep filling it up
there was a moment where all I wanted
was the sweet relief of my friend
my mysterious  and old friend,  death
who seemed to walk around with me the past 2 years

I survived myself
but I almost didn't

I searched for happiness or at least control
with family
with friends
with hobbies

something

it did work
but its back
the emptiness and the black fog embrace me like no one else ever did
but this time
I like it