my father is always talking, lecturing
i just get quiet like a little girl and i listen
majority of the time i have no idea what he's talking about
so i just listen
i start thinking had i grown up with him how would my life be different?
would i have ever been homeless?
would i have had four kids?
and would i have trouble making poor man decisions?
i'm not ashamed of my truth
i know i have daddy issues
but i think it's where i go from here that will make me resilient
i used to pride myself on not needing validity
but as i dig a little deeper i come to see
more of that heavy murky stuff that's deep inside of me

my mother was a rolling stone
i guess where ever she found a glass was her home
chasing a man that probably never existed
caught up in the life of family visits
i never understood her even now i can't figure her out
the cutting the drinking the slick words from her mouth
she was broken
she still is
washed up into the world of freedom she forgot about her kids
i think she's jealous of me
i guess i need to explain
what child would believe their own mother hated her due to her jealous rage?
I did, i do
i make my life what it is and she still can't find her way through
thinking that she'll get another chance and i want to tell her it's over for you
i thought at one time she'd love me and come back
but she never did
i thought she'd love me and we could for the past but i never did
i just can't forget
the regret
the shame
the embarrassment
it's attached to my last name

I've seen a lot of things, took some mental pictures
because some time I can't capture those images in any camera lens
so from memory I paint vivid pictures
on a canvas so clean and I'm the only witness
read my images
see what I've seen
be where I've been
Imagine those dark and lonely corners I've been backed in
simulate your escape
how would you have reacted?
Memories are the scariest tactics
since you only remember the perspective and not what actually happened

give me your word that you'll change
but for you because i still can not stay
the years and time i've wasted living this way has to end
even if i have to sneak away several times and come back again
you tell me you love me to make me think you do
trust me i know that isn't the truth
you've beat me with your lies
that's more painful than any punch could ever be
because my mind makes me feel and some feeling for me don't just leave

my father once told me i was raised wrong
funny he had said that because i agreed
we don't choose our parents but i wish i was able to
i don't think he has a place to say i was raised wrong because he wasn't the one doing the raising
i want to tell him, "daddy, i need you" but how many lies am i actually afforded in this life time?
might be better i leave him alone
send him pictures of the kids via cell phone
write him text messages when i'm ready to
and send e-mails explaining nothing just more like i'm thinking about yous
i don't know how i should be treated by a man from his teachings
just the series of heart breaks that have molded me into who i am
til this day as a woman, i still feel weird crying
i will hide away to let them fall even though deep down inside i'm dying
i have daddy issues
i have mommy issues
i don't want that to be the future of my children