Limp
Ashamed
Angry
For allowing your curse to ride free on this journey with me
Halted by the inability to provide
Something I take personally
Bored
Embarrassed
Restless
With your love or lack thereof
Pained by your face
Moved by your attitude
I'm shifting gears
Reversing
Trying to find the shortcut back to me

I want someone who will be strong for me when I'm too tired to be
too bad you're not that someone
I think about where we used to be and I fantasize that I am there again while I fake the passion you try to make me inhale
the way you kiss me makes my eyes water with tears filled with guilt
I look away and you remain with hands gripping my waist
touching those places you no longer belong
and I am filled still with the guilt I can't replace with any honest emotion
I'm fighting to be freed from the curse that is you
but you relentless in this struggle
refuse to let me go

I'm going crazy
Because I was thinking
That just maybe
You could change
I been complaining
Contemplating
How I could get away
But
I'm still here like I must stay
You are leeching at my air supply
Tugging at my voice box
And I know it's because of your age
The insecurities won't cease
That was the beginning end of my defeat
And my energy is depleted
So I through my hands up in defeat
Ha ha
You win
Only it isn't funny
When
You have someone who will chastise and never defend
All the while I've been
Bowing down
Excusing myself
Apologizing for stuff
All the way backwards I've bent
Just to see that snide grin
That awful smirk when you're saying I'm sorry
over
and over
and over again
No more excuses
No more I'm sorry
Because apparently we are all sorry and no one has the ***** enough to apologize and follow up with real change
I can't be the twenty something year old mom who looks three times her age
From the stress and the lies and the promises you've made
I need more
I want more
I
Deserve
More
But I am too tired from waiting all these years to continue to hold on
There is not hope here
We are the dry season that bears no new fruit
We are the plague that destroys all things in its path
And I don't want to be a part of the storm that's brewing with you
Just give me a chance to age gracefully
But with someone who won't take all my joy away from me

And if I listen to the silence quiet enough,
I can hear my heart breaking.

There are stories in your eyes.

I never told you how
sometimes I fell asleep
with the thought that you
were perhaps the moon-

always disappearing
with the dawn.

You were my comfort zone,
And I love you for sticking around despite having seen all my flaws.

We both know I'll always catch you when you fall,
You're the one I'd willingly take a bullet and die for.

It used to be us against the world.
But I'm not sure since when did things between us changed.
How did it became you against me?

all we will
is wait

until y(m)o(e)u

at least those birds
are try to sing
but sing

| c|n't r|member f|r s|re
|nd e|er||ne wou|d be jea|ou|
e|peciall|

*I love you Alyssa