forays into the unknown , into the magical , into the spherical
emitting pulsating rays from the astral body thrown out of the physical ****** is release , harmony , purification

wolf lips
teeth to hips hips to mouth

ice cream so good it makes you wanna **** people
ice cream so velvety you wanna make sweet sweet love to it

sunshine so melty wispy curling clouds whip across the sky,
twist like a message.
Mad libs , learning meaning , watching people , people watching us...we .. watch each other from behind the scenes cough * screens... *cough
Sunset picnic , good night sun we call !
pasta and a nutmeg chocolate , dulche de leche milkshake.

We speak of plans. We speak of future , when i have been living by the day. Dripping meager drops of the future from my tongue , she slugs it forth like a dam burst.  We speak of her frustration with the siblings. We speak of news on Yai and uncle. Grandma has had another operation , all my books and room decorations are at her house now , she’s offering me a job. Uncle is taking his epilepsy pills now, i am wary - pills can mess you up.  Attempting to stay sober. Facing himself. She cried  - A conversation with the mother , long distance mothers day , tears soak her cheeks as she see’s me for the first time since January. Perhaps a self imposed exile. The distance has done us good. I was expecting stress from this conversation but the familial energy sustained more peace. Granted..she is still in the throws of her huge landing. So some things are still up in the air. But i...i see myself now. It was entanglement , where i could not tell where she began and i stopped. Unpacking the karma i arrived with.

~~*

moon beam slows down time
skips the clouds into another dimension - thrown back with a jolt to earthspace
a mystic ballet , seamless motions pivot , friendly air smells like summer and new things growing -
hidden behind a slight veil of purple mist , moon draws her magnificence,
etched onto the passing cumulus clouds -
carp fish , wild boar running through the woods
smiley face mid wink and tongue stuck out.  
swift wind accompaniment
dew point reached
light cardigan weather cardigan present from the cosmos
overpriced chips , parks with no soul , bars laying music to the concrete , way too loud ,

stretching with bare legs and grey knee high socks against the chilly air on top of the dust bowl dog park
pitter patter dreaming of blowing gas stations up and skipping away on cctv cameras leading to us as the perpetrators.

parents try to give us what they didn’t have .... balancing out the imbalance in themselves
being parented is somewhat selfish
they -
shaped by the lack of fathers or the abusive mother
generations imbibe the past in transmitted transmuted  format

only knowing the extremes , the extremes they give
but we

not quite midnight , not quite morning wondering stars , ingest , test and leave what we do not need , with enough guts to get out there and do our own thing..... move as we feel compelled to move , grab the life we have been gifted and play !
play damit.
PLAY.

that is what my mother sometimes does not see too, the theatre production stage we are on.

Enough guts , to play this play for all it’s worth ,

we’re rewarded with each other to fall asleep to.

Don’t get me wrong , doesn’t mean we don’t take it serious.. picking up trash in the park , way after dark.

The game is to ward off thoughts of too heavy thinking
lightness moves.

I’m an apricot , ripe on the tree - ready for picking
I am a cherry , offering to be popped
3 tequila shots or the equivalent of a blurred memory inside me
my heart is bleeding a little at the acts my body is moving through
i am bleeding a little at the acts my body is moving through

i bleed for 4 days , 5 days.
i am amazed that he pulled out. i find that incredible -
as if a man is wild in the act of mergence and unable to control himself ,

ideas of male/female roles imprinted on me
from parents , **** and public school  - where girls are made into women
at 13 ,
we discuss when we will “lose our virginity” i say 15 if i’m ready (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

i should expect him to *** inside me , because i am the subservient woman and he should do as he pleases
i think it magical his heightened awareness -
i see his majestic beauty on his well formed muscles
and the hotel room his family owns , or the kick *** motorbike he drives and the supply of beachfront joints.


and still it is now 1 year later that i am in pain.


a fire on my heart and a sick feeling in my stomach
i am sick because i swallowed the lies and hated myself , i truly believed i was worth that level of respect. the fire burns swiftly in my heart because i am enraged and sorrowful at my ignorance. I am partly ashamed at my lack of empathy
for myself and partly in awe at my magnificence.


We look at virginity as pure , unsoiled.

Pure. Unsoiled.
****. Subconsciously telling our mothers , sisters , aunties and grandma’s that they are ***** for exercising their basic ****** function. Shaming us for feeling pleasure.....the connotations are different for brothers , fathers , uncles and grandpas. A pat of well done on the back , you are now a “man”.............well .. i’ll be ******..... it amazes me how these sly , low blows are hidden right in plain sight.

well fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk that !

I know i love myself now
with the respect i would rain down upon any other fellow being .

i wish : for them and me to be able to love without fear, disgust and shame.
i wish to allow my energy from that moment to feed others who need help along their path of self-love.

Now my cosmic womb is treated with respect and reverence
enjoying myself freely.

Oh but , i will say thank you , and a sensi bow , for the lesson learnt.

Never again will i put others on a pedestal they have not earnt.
Especially if it has anything to do with my *****.

i saw pink wildflowers appear in your eyes and a nebula display of star birth awash your iris
unleashed in your principle,
confusion vigil
wrestle to *** - just like christmas

Beg
sometimes
please
dripped pleasure
a game of chess
pieces, our bodies
board, the cosmos

River soft merging
with adored gentle
roughness, seductive
riffs abound

watching as my mother is dragged up the stairs
by her arms and hair

I get pushed down them for my efforts to try and stop him,
she is shouting screams into the wall -

they go into the bathroom ,
on the other side of the locked door, my blood runs cold.
next to me my siblings and aunt cry.

only screams and whimpers escape under the crack in the door
words of : “please stop”
“help”

      “no - you are hurting me”

he said “ i just wanna talk to you” . then my memory stops until the police are inside the house

Question them both. My mother in the kitchen  -
he is .. i don’t remember , it doesn’t matter....
i sit on the stairs that he painted white not that long ago , where my friends and i had stuck mirrors on each step , making the stairs look like they are floating.. kinda... i do not feel.

The cops stick around for less than 20 mins , arrest my step-dad.
As they take him away , i run upstairs watch from the window. It is a grey london day , they duck his head into the car and drive.

i do not feel.
the downstairs bathroom with stone + aqua tiles , collage of posters , family photos , newspaper clippings, postcards and play pamphlets become’s my hole in the wall for the next few hours. i cry. it is rain, matching the growing darkness outside.
i feel bad for letting the police take him away without saying anything.
i do not feel.

the shouting arguments
heard whilst i try to fall asleep , night
after night had been hiding the extent of unhappiness
of sadness expressed as anger in them both. At the time i could only smell fear
on their breath.
The next time there would be a yellow green bruise on her face and
screams at 4am.

11 year old me
has few memories of home.

Sweat coats us both

as animal sounds emerge

inside each others ears.

kiss after kiss falls onto my lips and shoulder , neck and lips , lips and cheeks , cheeks and chest.

hungry , we dine on one other.
background music , is the lily pad fountain and our outward reaching vibrations.
we are wolves who have not eaten for weeks
we devour each other
breaking down constructs of what can and can not be , we waiver the space-time laws and escape to the cloud castles where a lightning storm rains down golden pink hues of sunrise, shaded by the brilliant blue of a new dawn .... illuminating us from within.

Whenever we gently land onto Earth  , oh so crystalline ,
we are coated with serenity.

                                                      ­~

My mind meanders to how this may be...?
....... that love would so shyly creep up on me , to break on me like a thunderstorm finally filling the humid air with heavy, anticipated raindrops.

   I eagerly tell my 12 year old self that she doesn't need to worry....
Disney is a fraud and what is passion without strength and stamina?

Fruition of a growing closer that is only achieved with patience , time  a willingness to overcome the fears of oneself
so the other may see you, in your already perfect brilliance
as you come to terms with your own magnificence,