I don't wish to speak to anyone,
because I know when I do,
they will find me an annoyance.

I don't wish to speak to anyone,
because I know when I do,
I will get ignored, their conversation carries on.

I don't wish to speak to anyone,
because I know when I do,
I'll be told to stop, I'm better off.

I don't wish to speak to anyone,
because I know when I do,
I'll just disturb their flow.

I don't wish to speak to anyone,
because I know when I do,
I'll be scolded, mocked.

I don't wish to speak to anyone,
because I know when I do,
I'll start to be attached, unable to let go.

I don't wish to speak to anyone,
because I know when I do,
no one will take me seriously.

I wish I can speak to someone.

A normal day goes by, nothing special happens,
but deep inside my beating heart,
my spirit begins to bruise.

everything was ordinary, yet strangely, angst grows,
paranoia, fear,
anything? don't know.

do I actually have any friends? or am I just a puppet,
trying my best to please and cheer,
but is it just an annoyance?

people seems to love each other, they seem to be good friends,
however, when it comes to me, there'll always be a veil.
Doubt shrouds the mind.

Unable to release from these bounding chains,
I question my every move, spinning in circles,
stepping forward haltingly.

Whenever I do something someone else does,
I get punished, scolded, and mocked,
but they get let through as if they made no mistake,
why is this world so unfair?

Am I friendless because I'm worthless?
Powerless? am I a hindrance?
There's no benefits befriending me,
I have no position in reality.

In the end, friends always leave me for someone better,
someone with knowledge,
someone with network,
someone with influence,
Heck, even someone who's naught but pretty!

Confusion, disbelief, and suspicion, all present,
troubling my head with endless torment,
why is it only me, is it my low confidence,
my distastefulness, or maybe it's my own ignorance?

or maybe
it's because I neglected all those close to me
since I didn't think they thought of me as friend
.

it's all up to chance, so I do have a fair shot,
once I win, I will go home tall and proud.
gambling is bad, this my father once taught,
but his advice I ignored, lost in the casino's crowd.

what does he know of gambling? when he has never tried,
he only listened to the generations before him,
never feeling the joy I'm feeling, pathetic, I felt,
everyone should have a go at this gamble, it's fun.

winning a few rounds, confidence grows,
I up the bids, thinking of the future where I'm rich.
but wait! no way, how did he...
I thought the chance of that was one out of ten!

it's ok, calm, I can still win it back,
a few more wins shall do the trick,
I'll just win some more, win some....
****, why is he so lucky!

losing and losing, losing and losing,
I'm out of cash, and out of dignity.

but hey? I can win those back, right?

and then the dice rolled again.

Silence in my head, silence in my mind,
Is this peace, or is this calm? Or maybe, Desolation.
No longer can I feel my skin against the breathing air,
nor the numbing sour of my muscles.
No longer can I feel the delight of gluttony,
nor the dark smudge of exasperation.

Cramp in the back, yet I lie there unmoving,
staring emotionlessly into the monitor screen.
Breaking news no longer stir my interest,
nor videos, shows, comics, nor games.

Hunger in my empty stomach, yet no appetite is present,
I should eat some food, I mind suggested,
yet, my body dissent.

Threads of thoughts struggle to weave,
exploding in every direction.
Yet strangely, sooner or later
they'll always end up in the same destination.

why can't I forget the past, to look forward to the future?
I wish to have no more regrets, yet it the past haunts me.

The time I did something inconsequential,
the time I did something unimportant,
the time I did something that affects nobody,
yet I did something that deeply disturbs me.

Heavy eyelids shuts and close, yet I don't feel drowsy,
sluggish in the dim lights, I thought, and thought, and thought.
Plans I have, many of them, yet nothing I have done,
whilst I rot here thinking, not having any fun.

Engrossed of all the people better than I,
my eyes dulled, and my heart closed.
my motivation has long exhausted, and my spirits are long lost.
?????why do I even exist, only to suffer my own mediocrity?????

why can't I be better? I ask myself everyday,
but secretly, I indeed know the answer.
it's all my fault, my very own,
there's no excuse, this is what I chose,

Procrastination, lazing, cheating, stupidity, sloth, greed, feigned ignorance, bare minimum, prejudice, pride, arrogance, addiction, lust, hatred, and envy.

why do I possess all these things,
why am I just a bag of sins?
If this is all I have then there's no redemption
guess this world would be better without me.

But I mustn't give up yet, there's still to fight,
there's expectations, the chains constrain me tight.
I'm bound here, scared, and unable to give up...
is this really what my family wanted of me?

I want to become stronger, better, smarter, and nicer,
a brand new me that I can be proud of,
A me that will look back to 10 years past
and say "I'm glad I stepped up and changed".

But to become that me is not my business,
because I know I never can.
the me I know is not proactive, nor preeminent
he is useless, cowardly, lethargic, and poignant,
he will try, he will struggle, he may or may not attempt,
but in the end he will not put up any actions.

Because he has given up.

He will only hope for a better tomorrow.
and then, he'll wish he have died.

Big green ball of tastiness
red is your insides
I cut you up with hastiness
2 half you divides

sweet and crunchy
red and green
melon slushy
I'm really keen

**** me now
this is a cry for help
I'm losing my sanity
guess I'll die, welp

hot summer air
cool fan blowing
fresh watermlon we share
happiness overflowing

mark the knife around your edge
slice it all around
insert the the blade to crack the skin
hear the pleasant sound

have you ever thought about
how great the fruits and veggies are?
they sacrifice their soul and body
so their seeds can be carried over the earth.
they let the animals mutilate them,
and bear unbearable pain.
in their mind is only their offspring
that will one day grow up healthy.
they let their children enter an animal's stomach,
at the risk of being digested.
but only through this harshness they know
can their seeds learn the world's cruelty.
oh praise the fruits! oh praise the veggies,
for they are the greatest parents,
their tough love and their sacrifices
made me wish mine were vegetables too.

why are we born in this world just to suffer,
to reach for unacheivable goals.
Drowned all day in naught but sorrow
until death swallows us all.

Squirming in anguish in this plane of existence,
awaiting for the ending,
thoughtlessly stagger in every direction
only to end up at the beginning.

The empty void is what is to come,
your goals and dreams don't matter,
it'll all flow backs into the hollow anyway,
and then, conciousness will shatter.

Gaze into the future of 10 years from now,
wherever will I be then?
labouring sweats to earn basic living,
or in the grave, a dead men?

Life in the end will always terminate
and die, and burn into ashe,
happiness, sadness, evny, anger,
all will be gone in a flash.