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Esther M Apr 2019
Just when I thought it was over
Just when I thought I was sober
No longer sniffing fantasies and what ifs
Through my nostril
Chasing closure at the end of bottles
Thought I turned memories into fossils
Following ways of apostles
Letting loose of loves false gospels
Now I’m trying to resurrect fossils
The Judas in the mist of apostles
Betrayed my mind for my hearts lust
Laid down my heart as dust
Baptized in tears consumed by must
Cause my spirit to cuss
My pride to combust
Self love to Rust
The mirror to look at me in disgust
God to question my trust
Yet laid down my heart as gold dust
Knowing you’d throw it away
Fast forward you threw it away p
No less to say
I’m a crackhead, addicted
Screaming girl power yet a deceived head, Conflicted
My first taste was sour, dreamed of dying flowers and me crying for hours before we began I knew, predicted
Covered my eyes with your love my ears with your lies made my spirit numb inside, restricted
Years later I’m still here addicted
To your mind waves
carried by your false sound waves
carried by the waves of deception
I swear love and pain has a unusual connection
Sprinkled with a salt of depression
Tide by the rope of obsession
Got me reading books on reflection
Yet my self reflection laughs at my self destruction is this really how love is supposed to function?
I told myself I’d never be in this state of mind again,
Yet I’m in this state of mind again
In the county of trying to find a friend
In the city of trying to find a man
On the street of searching for you again
Next to you don’t want me anymore Avenue
Yet my blue heart still waits for you
Craves for you
Views past all we’ve been through for you
My emotions is a zoo and you’re the keeper I glued myself to you
Know this is true I brewed myself to you
My tears have become accustomed to my cheeks,
My mind reeks of a heart that collapsed
Thought I was cleaned but here again, relapsed
And you, there just relaxed
Broke my walls the alpha who marked his territory
Your mark teared a story of a young strong black girl, to a weak addict
and I’ve had it.
Esther M Nov 2018
This is more then just a love letter
Because you did more then just love me
This is more then just a confession
You remember the first impression
I gave you?
When they said I find no guilt in this man
I made you guilty
Not worthy of your mercy
But now here I stand
With no nails in my hands
You were the dove dipped in black paint that became a black crow
For the price of my soul
You are the example of fixing something that was never broken because you fixed something you never broke in
So for that,
This is more then just a love letter
It's my soul returning back to the sender
It's my heart exchanging my blood for yours
This is more then just a confession
This is me saying you  my attention
This is me saying im breaking all connection from all distraction
This is me taking action.
After all I've been through
I hold your words to he true
This is me giving up me
For You.
Before I am anything I am a Christian. This is my letter saying how I've completely gave myself up and placed myself in God's hands because he loved me first and loves me more then I do myself. I hope you enjoy it and God Bless you.
Esther M Oct 2018
Can't you see my thoughts are devoured by you
As I write with the tears of my blood because of you
Everywhere I go all I see is you
You have become my reflection
I have given myself extensions
way past my deadline of comprehension
To let you stop feeding from my soul
Making me unholy
while slowly
Building my walls with beautiful lies
Telling me I was the Queen of you beehive  
I knew all those lies were all coming from your behind
Yet still
I was willing to give you my all
The tragic hero bound to fall
If only I knew I would fall past the Earths core
Leaving my mind and soul so sore
If only I said bye when you said hi
If only I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve
If only I ran away the first time you made it bleed
If only I said bye when you said hi
Esther M Sep 2018
She craves the feeling of intimacy
She wants her thoughts drunken under his Hennessy
Make her mind come out of its virginity
Innocently she waits for a man to make love to her soul
Unconditionally craving her body as it’s more then just *** on legs
Pin her mind to the edge of the bed
And make its legs shake
until she feels it in her head
In the future she looks ahead
And remember the life that spread
And the parts of her soul where dead
Skin cells shead
After that
After making her mind reach the peak
Of its purest ******
Then only then you can have her
Esther M Aug 2018
All my life you've been all I've sought
Without your presence my life is not,
The demons
No, I mean the season
Of my obsession
I mean,
That's what you did

Can't you see that i'm obsessed
I mean can't you see that
I'm in
With you.

I love you
To the point where i'd
Rip the innocence off your skin
And take a picture of you wearing
As time draws near
I live to hear the melody of your tears
As you cry for your

But I have come to a conundrum
After all I've done
For you,
My love still speaks
louder then yours

Why don't you feel the same,
Say you feel the same
Can't you see
I'm in
with you


Why can't you see i'm
in love with you

To the point where
I won't let
Take you away from

Let me be the
Cause of your
So I can say

True Love
Killed You.
Esther M Aug 2018
Why do I continue to baptize myself in the forbidden salt water of Love,
I’m drowning in the shallow parts of the ocean as if I’m in the center of the sea
it’s so hard to see,
beyond the horizon of my future if you’re not there with me
Although I know I must leave,
I locked the chain of submission around my neck
and let your poison liquid burn my nostrils fill up my lungs.
I threw away the key,
now I’m drowning in the shallow parts of the ocean as if I’m in the center of the sea
if only I could see,
past this blinding love and force myself to get up,
I’ve mentally given up
I’ve talked to God and he told me what to do but leaving you
my soul just won’t do.
I’ve been shunned by Christ as I hang on the cross for your sins by the nails of confusion, affection and manipulation
I’m in a situation.
A situation-ship,
where my heart is compelled by Christ but
my mind has been left behind in your arms.
I just need to stand up and break the chains lose
that drowns me in your salt water of love,
But the more I stay the salt water no longer consist of you
but are composed of my tears,
dying in my own creation for you.
God I know what to do
but leaving him,
my soul just can’t seem to do.
My heart compelled by Christ but my mind got left behind....
in his arms,
I don’t want to drown anymore
I don’t want to get up either.
Esther M Aug 2018
I want to feel the sun
I want my light to cover all my dark spots
I want my tears to become steam due to my inner warmth
And confidence,
But this pain is bottomless
And I lost all consciousness
While i'm fed death
But told to throw up positivity  
Am I not good enough for you?
Is it my looks you don’t approve?
Am I not skinny enough for you?
Is it because my stomach doesn’t kiss
Nonsense to my spine?
Am I not pretty enough for you?
Is it because I have rolls that store the secrets
That whisper to me at night and the stories triggered by the moonlight ?
Am I not woman enough for you?
Because I rather hug a tree and let nature go down on me
Then a man who gags me with lies
Posions my lips with his allusions of bliss
By those satanic lips
I don’t want to miss,
But one day reminisce
The feeling of waking up and not being told
The way oxygen runs in and out of me is wrong
The way my feet walks behind each other is wrong
The way my words dance out of my mind and out of my mouth is wrong
I want to write the lyrics my own song.
I starved my soul and body for the acceptance my mind craved
But hey, you say you still love me anyway,
If this is love, I don’t want it anyway.

— The End —