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Jul 2018 · 282
Warrior
Catrina Jul 2018
There's a hurricane

brewing in my heart.

Any second now, it will burst.

Ready to unleash every inside.

Finally,

Everything I see is crystal clear.

Nothing can keep me from

conquering my fear.

I may not have won every battle.

But I have one this final war.
May 2018 · 211
Shhhhhh, Quiet
Catrina May 2018
Trapped inside the mind,
Screaming and yelling to get out.
Prevented by the blockade behind the mouth.
Too many words.
Too many thoughts,
swirling  and swimming all around.
Topics of all kinds.
Only to be released by the
bleeding of ink from a pen on paper, scrawling words across the blue lines.
Wanting to voice aloud, cannot find proper phrases.
But placed on paper, the screaming of words mellow, and become coherent.
Unable to be formed in a paragraph, for in the mind if full of rhyme and stanzas.
Tries to wrote for others to understand, but usually writes to clear the mind.
People speak, they are loud or quiet, aggressive or sweet. All able to voice their words aloud.
Not uncomfortable, or scared.
Nor nervous,
Just trying to  sort the swirling and swimmingwords.
Words often
s
       P
I
        R
A
        L
into themselves, always getting smaller,
N
E
V
E
R
stopping or
C
H
A
N
G
I
N
G
.
The mind gets lost within the spirals, trying desperately to
E
    S
        C
            A
                 P
                       E
through the voice.
Always in search of pen and paper, to scratch things down.
Wants to help other, often doesn’t know how to offer.
Has appreciation for those around, yet doesn’t know how to show or say.
Wanting to speak, mind screaming back, saying to stay quiet from years of being told not to speak.
Still unsure how to properly show affection, to family, friends, and significant other.
Cares a lot, struggling to keep pace.
The only comfort, when thoughts are sorted out through the blood of pens staining the white paper.
I come from a very f***** up home.
My father and stepmother treated me as a thing, rather than a child.
They would yell and yell at me, telling me to answer them, then as soon as I try to answer, I would try to answer, then instantly be shut down by being told to shut the hell up.
If I didn't do one little thing, I'd be slapped.
If my niece or nephew did something, it would be put on me.
Everything in this poem, is a problem that was created by them.
When I was still living with them, I would write things down on paper, then burn the paper.

Just a little more about me I guess.
Apr 2018 · 230
Observer, not Pursuer
Catrina Apr 2018
Your smile is so captivating.
So sweet, yet with a pinch of mischievousness.
The touch of your hands,
Gentle yet strong.
The sound of your voice, sincere, calming,
inviting, sweet, yet firm.
And eyes that tell a story.
What kind, I have yet to read.
Haven’t gotten close enough.
Not one to approach.
Observing you, from a distance,
able to see your interest
in  someone else.
Disappointment rising,
too late once again.
Apr 2018 · 237
Y'all Need More Humor
Catrina Apr 2018
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Apr 2018 · 192
Y'all Need Some Humor
Catrina Apr 2018
_
     />  フ
     |   ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°  l
     /' ミ_

     /     |
    /  ヽ   ノ
    │  | | |
 / ̄|   | | |
 | ( ̄ヽ_)__)
 \二つ
Apr 2018 · 451
Societal Bonds
Catrina Apr 2018
pressure.

         Pressure in my mind.

pressure

                Reasons to keep acts kind.

pressure.

         Expectations to live up to.

pressure.

         Social Acceptance feels like an ill-fit shoe

pressure.

         Social rejection is far too common

pressure.

         Unique people with loud gossip

pressure.

         Resist urges to lead a rebellion

Pressure.

         Exalt yourself, your inner rebel, and set yourself free.
Apr 2018 · 174
Heart
Catrina Apr 2018
How do you fix a broken heart,

that has been broken too many times,

by too many people?

And in too many ways?

Not just broken by an ended relationship,

but also by people no longer able to be in their life?

and what about all those times, when no one would help her,

in her darkest times?

What about the friends that stabbed her in the back,

who lied to her,

who used her?


How do you fix a broken heart,

that is no longer in pieces,

but is dust?


Do you just leave her be,

and hope that with time,

she will be over it all?

That she will have healed?



How do you fix a broken heart,

that is torn apart again, and again,

when she is separated from those she longs to be with?


Can you fix a broken heart,

that has been shattered by more than one person?

Shattered by more than one event, more than one reason?




Tell her how to fix her broken heart that sits in a pile of crumbs and dust.
Mar 2018 · 164
OverThrown
Catrina Mar 2018
Feelings came over me like a
storm for you.
         Haven’t felt this storm in
A few years now.
         Wanted to get close to you
but stuck viewing and admiring from afar.
   Thought you had felt something
As well.
    Why else would you have started
talking to me?
    Unless, of course, your intentions
were impure.  Simply moving from one subject to another.
    Thought that this would actually
become something Great.
    Unfortunately you had Different plans.
Told me things I didn’t realize I Wanted to hear.
     The way you Held me, I felt so
Safe, so Secure.
    Your Actions covered up your Thoughts.
Made me feel like a Girl Who Was Wanted .
    Caused me, who used to be such a Queen, who
Didn’t Need a King,
    Caused my Own heart,
to be
            OverThrown.
Mar 2018 · 180
Writer's (____________)
Catrina Mar 2018
Swimming in the water
Swimming all around.
Swimming in the ocean.
On my own in my own world.
Just there
And swimming.
Words
Coming to mind without care.
A whirlwind of vocabulary that is hardly kind.
Swimming, flowing constantly throughout
My mind.
Trying to find sleep
Words mingle together
Creating forms that
I must keep.
Deep in conversation
Words begin their journey,
However
I must emphasize,
The words are always
Present.
Just louder during times they
Find fit.
Frustrated, trying to understand what’s going on
Outside my mind,
What’s going on in class
But the words are itching to be written down.
Try an I might, telling the words
“No, not now, I need to sleep,”
but they are words, they do not listen
Never have I fallen prey to the illness that all writers dread,
The sudden block of words flowing to their heads.
It’s quite a shock,
How my words never stop.
Begin writing one series of words, don’t get to finish
As a result of new words, that do
not belong with the
original set.
Finish those, go back finish the others.
Process never stops
Like animals,
attacking without hesitation,
Demanding to be heard
Trillions of words in my head
and on my notebooks
But only mere thousands have been heard.
My words are angry
My words are sad
Filled with joy
Often depressed,
Occasionally coy.
These words make me
For I make these words.
But do not for one second think
That these words are me
These words
Are mere interpretations
Of what I see, hear, and witness.
These words
Are My interpretations of what I see through
Myself, but mostly through the world itself.
These words,
Have driven people mad.
Trying to find sleep,
Words continue to mingle, not as loud
But creating forms I must keep
Trying to find sleep,
These words will be heard
Capture the one that are loudest.
Now my mind has been assured.
Words forming
when instead I should be focusing on dreadful math.
I hear the words
that people say.
Heavy eyelids,
Head spinning,
Just want to rest for a spell
Lightheaded, unconcentrated.
Drowning in words.
Drowning in their noisy sound.
Even now, i am not feeling well.
Some people would call this,
The writers gift
Or is the the curse of words?
Feb 2018 · 503
Expectations
Catrina Feb 2018
Try, try, try my best to be positive.

Try try, try some more to please him.

Taking classes that I don't enjoy.

Just to please him.

Go home not knowing what to expect.

Did I do everything that he wanted?

Did I do it to his expectations?

Striving to be the daughter he wants me to be.

(He is trying to live out his childhood dreams through me).

Expectations that I always fail to meet.

Try, try, try not to be in his presence when I cry.

Can't show him, give him the satisfaction.

Try try, try to do everything.

(I just want to avoid his dreadful sting).

Straight A's, a few B's. 3.50 G.P.A.

Not good enough for him.

All A's, 4.00 G.P.A. , is nothing to him.

Try, try, try, I am numb, no more feelings,

my "happiness" is all a lie.

He placed me in NJROTC at my high school,

expecting great things.

Be the top marksman.

But how can I be, if he won't allow me to compete?

Become colorguard commander,

without participating in an y of the events.

Become the CO of the program next year.

Without interacting the way I need to.

He expects all these things from me , and so much more.

Expectations and standards.

But makes it so that they are all impossible to meet.

Try, try, try  to be everything he wants me to be.

Try, try, try, and only meet failure.

Fail, fail, fail, makes no difference to him.

Cracking under the pressure,

can't be in the same room as him or my stepmother.

Fail, fail, fail, giving them both reasons to yell at me more.

Fail, fail, fail, why even try, when he really doesn't care?

Fail, fail, fail..........

What else is there to do?
Feb 2018 · 238
Memories
Catrina Feb 2018
Every song I listen to,

Reminds me of you.

Why is this so challenging for me to do?

Why can’t I get you out of my thoughts?

Always on the run.

Why do you have to haunt me in my dreams?

When in reality, it doesn’t mean a thing.

Why do I still cry silent tears throughout the night and day?

We’ve both ****** up in the past.

This shouldn’t be so hard.

My heart needs a permanent cast.

My guardian angel played the wrong card.

On the cold hard floor I lay.

Only if you had stayed.

Now you are upset and mad.

I don’t blame you.

But I cannot tame the beast inside.

Struggling for so long.

Against so many ******* odds.

And all this time,

Cuddling with my demons.

Getting to know each of them.

Personally.

But that doesn’t define who I am.

So much time has past.

But still feels as though it has just begun.

The downward spiral,

That seems to never end.

I am completely done.

Only one has the power to mend.

The broken and shattered heart within.

Only to be showered with bitter words.

You all know that I am no quitter.

All my demons,

flutter around inside,

Like hellish little birds.

And now all I have to do,

is mutter useless words.

That will never be heard.
Feb 2018 · 576
Beautiful Destinations
Catrina Feb 2018
I once had this teacher
who had put a sticky note
on the inside of my notebook
for that class.

The inside of each cover was full
of quotes,
that I wrote on sticky notes.
Except for the inside of the front cover.
It had one open spot left.

You see, over the summer break of that year,
A fellow student of mine,
Was killed
by a car that hit him while he was walking early in the morning*.
I was dealing with it all very hard.
The class had to turn our notebooks in so that
the teacher could check them.


Once we got them back, I had intended to
fill that last spot space with a quote
that I had found.  

But my teacher got to it first.
When I opened my notebook, inside I found,
What I thought was the most amazing quote ever.


"Difficult roads
Often Lead
To
Beautiful Destinations"


A truly beautiful quote.  

And from that day on,
I had seen the light at the end of the
very dark tunnel that I was headed down.




But as of today, no, as of August,
that light is now
gone.

And I'm surrounded by nothing
but false hope,
and I'm tired of being played.


I want, no, I NEED someone, something
to pull me out of this hell hole
before I leave my way.

The "selfish", yet "easy" way.



Why do so many people think its
the easy way out?

Cuz it's really not.     I've tried
I don't know how many
times now
to
leave
my way,


And it sure isn't easy.

It's hard,

so crazy difficult to do.


I've been there, almost making it out
my way, only to have gotten
my timing wrong, or
not apply
enough

PRESSURE.



Always having what it takes to get
to the door,
but never enough to
open it and go through.





Until now.


This feeling that I have,
is so much stronger
      than before.

I know if I try to leave
my way,
Iĺl make it.


But I need someone,
or something,
to pull me out
before I try
anything!


Please, anyone!

Anything!






I WANT OUT SO GET ME THE HELL OUT!


Someone, please...
.....
......
.....
.....
.....
.....
­ .....

please just listen,
and maybe,
no,
hopefully
you'll hear
my
cry for
help.








Because not all roads

lead to

Beautiful Destinations

in the end.
Feb 2018 · 167
Learn to Let Go
Catrina Feb 2018
We had a lot of fun

When we were together

I'll never forget

I'll always remember


The laughs that we shared

The dreams that we had

But those dreams changed

And they left me sad


I know you've moved on

And found someone new

But I have to admit

I still wish for you


This isn't healthy for me

I really need to stop

When I think about our past

My heart wants to pop


So as I say my last goodbye

I want you to know

That I'm trying my best

To learn to just let go
Feb 2018 · 238
I Actually
Catrina Feb 2018
" I want him to stay here, with me"

I actually feel this way about you.
I actually thought that this was going to go far.
You started a new fire in my heart.
And now your telling me that you didn't mean to?
I'm sure you know how I feel about you.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, this would work.
But maybe, you played me.
Thought you were different from the others,
turns out you were just the same.
Now you're not allowed to say my name.
I was a fool to think,
that we would actually look cool.
Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic.
But I know what I want, not afraid to go
after it.
I'm not going around,
and leading people on.
And I'm definitely not
not roaming around.
I'm more into
treating people
how they should be treated.
Not playing with their minds and emotions.
Unfortunately, we are surrounded by oceans
of people,
who would rather have a fling
for a month or two.
Rather than
taking on something
serious.
I actually feel
like this is all a lie,
and none of what we had,
even mattered to you.
I actually thought, that we were happy.
You actually had me thinking
that what we had was important, and real.
You actually got me thinking that we would make it.
And worst of all,
You actually made me think that you cared about me
You actually made me believe that maybe, just maybe,
that you meant it when you told me those very powerful words,
very sensitive 3 words.
At the end, you say to me, ¨Have a nice day¨.
Only if there was a way,
to make you feel the pain you caused me.
This is why, I dislike
Valentines Day.
Feb 2018 · 188
Broken Dreams
Catrina Feb 2018
Constant aches, constant pains.

Oh sweet peppermint candy canes.

year after year, wishing on that bright, old star

Wondering how you are.

Torn apart by the court.

It's time for cheer, for Christmas is here.

Tiz not the time to mourn.

Tiz the time of year yet again,

to be with you,

But only in my faded memory.

Year after year,

missing birthday after birthday.

Year after year,

no family Thanksgiving dinner.

Year after year,

asking Santa for what I know he can't give.

Have all the cousins forgotten one of their own?

Aunts and Uncles too?

What about the older sister,

and brother.

Have they forgotten as well?

Ten years of being seperated,

doubt they remember.

Only time will tell
Feb 2018 · 231
Just For Fun
Catrina Feb 2018
Hello, I say to everyone.

How have you been? I ask them.

But no response from the typical men.

This, Im sure, has no real flow,

I'm just trying to put on a show.

I'm not well experienced with rhyme,

but I can play music in time.

Just trying to find what real.

And hey, maybe I'll strike a writing deal.

I don't usually know how to place my words,

And maybe sometimes it's like little hummingbirds,

Always flitting around

Is this real, or merely a nightmare?

True happiness is quite rare.

I am overcome by sleepiness.

Not quite sure how far I will take this,

I don't want my words to make me a star.

Simply have fun with some rhymes,

Well, I think that now I am Done.
Feb 2018 · 1.5k
Mirror
Catrina Feb 2018
I don’t really know

Where I need to go.

And I don’t really care.

I know that life isn’t always fair,

So what we all need to do,

Is live in the moment,

While it can last.


It’s been years since I first put it on,

but I think I’m finally ready to take off

This *****, Old, and Hard cast.

All I know for sure,

is that I am here.

Right now.

I am here, and I am here right now.

Even though you have been gone for some time,

And your still not here,

I’m alright with that.

If I ever want to see you,

All I have to do, is look in the

Mirror.

I see you in my eyes,

Your Blue, mixing with my Green,

To make a Sea.

I see you in my hair.

Your unruly and wild curls,

Are slowly over taking my box*-brown hair.

I see you, when I look over myself,

Your beauty, passed onto me.

I have your curves and  your looks.

You’re closer to me than I thought.

You never left,

Only hidden,

By my own pain.

Not until I discarded my mask,

Did I gain my knowledge.
Jan 2018 · 300
I'll Keep it Hidden
Catrina Jan 2018
My world is falling, crumbling apart, life is meaningless & that's just the start
My hearts so sore, I can feel it breaking & I swear to god it leaves me shaking
Late at night till early in the morning, lying in bed eyes wide open. Didn't sleep last night, like all the others, instead I just lie crying in the covers
Quick, wipe away all the tears before they come near.  
Must hide this depression & the feelings of fear.
For all they know, I'm happy & always smiling, but deep inside my soul is dying
I can feel it rotting, it wants to scream, but I won't let it... not for the time being
I can never tell them how I feel because the happiness I wear to them is real
For them to hear that I wish I was dead…….
it would **** them, they'd be filled with dread
So I'll try my best not to be selfish, I'll keep my secret hidden & just let them rest
but god I can't take it much longer... I'll probably be dead before they even wonder.
Sometimes I just can’t escape the demons inside.
How can I tell about the constant war inside?
Everyone would disbelieve in what I say. Unable to
contain what I feel.  They all say that this isn’t real.
How could they, how could they ever say that they understand,
Understand how I feel?
What can I do, to suppress the pain?
Jan 2018 · 196
Is This The Final Goodbye?
Catrina Jan 2018
The breeze brushed her hair,
as she sat on the docks of the ocean
watching as the waves climbed up the rocks
as her love, her care casts itself farther away from her

As she turns to walk away from the edge, as her black dress slips
effortlessly into the darkness
she hears her name, but she has heard it too many times to want to listen to the voice calling.
she keeps walking further into the darkness

Her hope had been lost,
her care no longer lived,
and as for her love
she had none left.
the light she once felt was gone
it was cast away like everything else.

like her love,
her care,
and the only hope she had ever felt and will ever feel again.
and yet when she turned back to the dock,
the black waves still climbing up the rocks.
the dock still rotting from age,
and her still standing,
letting the darkness consume her.
Jan 2018 · 237
Swallowing Darkness
Catrina Jan 2018
She lays in the swallowing darkness of her room,
with the radio on,
music bringing back painfully happy and heart wrenching memories.  The boy that she loved,
shot her through the heart.  
Lyrics of songs, lyrics that hold little to no meaning to others,
but mean the world to her.  
Nothing has come close to,
easing the ache,
the pain.
Try as she might,
she can no longer conceal what is inside.
This is almost too much for her.
She doesn’t know how much longer she can hold on.
Jan 2018 · 189
Wonderful Winter
Catrina Jan 2018
It's the time for Cold Floors,

Break out the Fuzzy Socks.

Bring in some Chopped wood,

from Outside.

Sit by the fire, nice and toasty now.

BUT wait!

It can get even better.

A nice warm mug of apple cider, or hot chocolate.

No matter how much others complains about this weather,

it fits me perfectly.

BItter air outside.  Making breathing hurt a little.

Such a wonderful sting, And the Numbness too!

Dark, cloudy, gloomy days are the best, and is when I’m happiest.

Its like nature is showing the world,

what’s inside my head.

During fall and winter, no

New marks

appear.

Why would I need to make more?

I’m already experiencing the comforting sting of the cold,

And the easing pain from breathing

this wonderfully bitter air.
Jan 2018 · 277
What I Want, But Can't Have
Catrina Jan 2018
Touch me with your hand, my dear,

Pull me close , against your chest.

Hold me in your arms, my dear,

Your heart beat, giving me rest.

Let my hands, my dear, caress your skin,

Feeling your warmth, my dear,

The warmth within.

Let me lie curled, my dear,

Your back, touching mine.

I don’t can’t just your heart.

I want your flesh, your skin,

and blood, and bones, your voice,

your thoughts, your pulse, and most

Of all, your fingertips, everywhere.

I used to believe that love should

feel like a storm, passionate,

raw and raging.  But so many storms

have come and left her more broken

than before.  Now, she looks for a

Love that feels like the night after

the storm is over.

Or else she may be whisked away,

by the distant memory of what she lost.
Jan 2018 · 205
Lonlieness
Catrina Jan 2018
being with you is taxing

you **** the energy from my veins

you cannot make me happy

but it's better than being alone


it's pitiful isn't it?

to be so lonely

I'd rather be with you

who makes me so miserable


but that's what loneliness does:

corrupts a previously whole person

decaying one's mind and physicality

until they do not recognize themselves


I was so lonely

I took the first chance of company

it came in the form of sin

as the Devil's cruel laugh rings in my ears
Jan 2018 · 578
Voices
Catrina Jan 2018
Every so often at night,

as  I lay in my bed

Alone, the voices

start  talking in my head.

Think of me mad,

But they fancy me dead.


These voices are unique,

All one of a kind.

And every single one of them,

wrapped up in my mind.

But they cloud my senses,

And make me blind.


I don’t know when they started,

Or where they came from.

But they play with my mind,

As if it were a toy.

Thinking of it now,

Am I the one to blame?


I listen to them telling me

Things like right from wrong.

I used to ignore them,

But the voices are far too strong.

Think of me mad,

But they’ve been here all along.


For I am the voices,

And the voices am I.

Created by me,

To give a me reason why.

Like an imaginary friend,

But one that gone away.

What used to be part of me,

Simply turned too sly.

Nobody can help me,

There’s no one to rely

On but the voices.

Who have done nothing but imply,

That they fancy nothing more,

Than for me to die.


So as the night roars nearer,

And the loneliness creeps in,

The voices start talking to me,

Again and again.

Soon, one of these nights,

I don’t know when,

The voices in my mind,

Will eventually win.

My room therein,

Would lie a lonely girl,

Who only once had been.
Jan 2018 · 274
Outer Lies
Catrina Jan 2018
What do you see when you look at me?  

More than likely, you see me with a smile on my face, and laughter escaping from my lips.

But have you ever wondered,
what is behind the smile.
If that smile is genuine, and real?
Is that laughter real, or does it sound a little forced to you?
Have you ever looked at or into my eyes when I smile?

If you did, you would see that my smile,
does not reach my eyes.

Instead of happiness, you'll see a flash of my pain.

For I am unable to place a mask over my eyes,

no matter how hard I try.

No one can truly hide their real feelings,

can't keep them from slipping through their eyes.

When you look at someone, for a second you are

able to see their true feelings before their wall goes up.  

Careful you must be, when observing the outer emotions

of someone.
Jan 2018 · 187
A Reason
Catrina Jan 2018
They say there is a reason,

They say that time will heal,

But neither time nor reason,

Will I change the way I feel,

For no one knows the heartache,

That lies behind our smiles,

No one knows how many times,

We have broken down and cried,

We want to tell you something,

So there won't be any doubt.

You're so wonderful to think of,






But so hard to be without.
Jan 2018 · 192
The Disguise
Catrina Jan 2018
She dreams of broken thoughts

Images dance before her eyes

She's awaken by self-indulgence

Dying inside, she takes a deep breath

With tears streaming down her cheeks

She gently brushes them away

With mascara smeared down her face


She doesn't have enough energy left in her to care

-Care about what may happen

But, somehow she manages to fool everyone

So, she smiles with all she has left

Although, it's a crooked smile at that

But, at least she tries to get by


Not knowing what will happen next

Each day brings more problems and stress

And each night as she lays down-

She finds another reason to regret herself

Her fears become Reality

There is nowhere for her to escape

Nothing to keep her from feeling numb

No useless drug to fight the pain away


As she looks in the mirror-

She sees a mistake

Just another lost soul fighting to live

She's giving up so easily

But, there's nothing left for her to give


Music is her only defense

Her only way out of Reality

But, when the music stops-

Her life falls back into its place


But, lying in her room

She's confused and afraid

Crouching down in a corner

With her body squished up against the wall


She's lost and lonely, hiding in the dark

So her tears will never be seen

-As a new day approaches

Her disguise becomes whole again-
Jan 2018 · 150
Darkness
Catrina Jan 2018
The breeze brushed her hair,

as she sat on the docks of the ocean

watching as the waves climbed up the rocks

as her love, her care casts itself farther away from her


As she turns to walk away from the edge, as her black dress slips

effortlessly into the darkness

she hears her name, but she has heard it too many times to want to listen to the voice calling.

she keeps walking further into the darkness


Her hope had been lost,

her care no longer lived,

and as for her love

she had none left.

the light she once felt was gone

it was cast away like everything else.


like her love,

her care,

and the only hope she had ever felt and will ever feel again.

and yet when she turned back to the dock,

the black waves still climbing up the rocks.

the dock still rotting from age,

and her still standing,

letting the darkness consume her.
Jan 2018 · 5.3k
Taken Away
Catrina Jan 2018
I remember the horrifying day,
like it was yesterday.
Being jewish,
And living in 1940 Germany, was the worst thing you could do.
My name is Lucy, and I will tell you about the day,
when my everything was taken from me
And seven years ago, my family and I had
struggled to find food,or even a warm piece of clothing.
Then my mother and father put my little sister and I into hiding.
Let me begin with this;

We haven’t heard anything from our parents in 3 1/2 years.
I honestly think that they are dead.
-Three years later-
My sister and I have little
to nothing at all,
but I go without so that she
at least,
has a chance.
I give the  warmest clothes that I have
to my little sister,
Sarah.
Sarah is my everything
I’d do anything to keep her safe,
She is so thin,
even though I give her most of my food,
she could be paper.
We were hiding when it happened, Sarah was in a little space
between a wall and a wardrobe.
I thought she would be safe there.
But I soon learned
that the decision I made, cost her,
her
Life.
BANG,BANG,BANG!!!! Is all I heard as the soldiers begin
to raid the house.

-(Our parents were down the street, hiding in a barn room,and we didn’t even know that they were still alive)-

My sister and I were hiding in “Aunt” Leslie’s and “Uncle” John’s house.
The soldiers came into the room in which I was hiding,
didn’t even consider looking under bed,
Seeming how from the outside,
It looked as if the bed rested on the floor.
but under the mattress was a hidden door,
that created a compartment two feet deep.
They left the room, leaving the door wide open.
I was able to see where my sister, Sarah, was hidden,
But that was a bad thing.
Sarah did not look like most Jewish girls her age,
who have round
almond eyes,
dark hair, and dark eyes.
with her
Long,
Wavy,
Blonde hair, and the most
Beautiful,
Sharp
Blue eyes,
She looks similar to a little german girl.
The only thing that set her apart was,
the roundness of her face,
and that she is short for her age of 14,
two years younger than me.
The soldiers were moving on to the next room,
-all except one.
Something had caught his eye,
as it had also caught mine.
My heart was thumping wildly against my chest,
I hoped that the soldier would hear it
Pounding, pounding, and pounding against my chest,
anything to keep him away from my Sarah.
The soldier had seen a
Wisp
of her
Golden locks,
from behind the wardrobe
He grabbed her and had her
down on her knees,
she was so strong, didn’t shed a single tear,
she looked straight ahead, not willing to give me away, showing no fear,
in her expression.
But I saw the fear,
in the way  her little fingers twitched, tied behind her back.
Then the soldier pulled out his gun and
SHOT
MY LITTLE
GIRL
IN
THE
HEAD!!!!!!!!
I was screaming,
screaming her name
Over,
and over,
and over,
and over,.........
And yet the soldiers,
did not hear or find me,
for I was screaming soundlessly
He shot Sarah,
My everything,
My little sister,
but most of all,
My LITTLE GIRL
Mom and Dad put us into hiding 6 and a half years ago.
They had  foreseen what would happen,
and for 6 and a half years,
Sarah was my little girl.
I would give her my food, I made sure she had enough sleep,
she was the reason I fought so hard.
And now, I
Have
Absolutely
Nothing.
I have nothing to LIVE for,
nothing to FIGHT for,
nothing to,
PROTECT.
My everything was taken away,
Sarah was taken from me.
And I can’t ever get her back
The soldiers left her there, she looked so cold,
the soldiers had been gone for hours now,
yet I was still in my hiding place,
frozen with
fear,
shock,
devastation.
I climbed out of my hiding spot,
Sarah, oh Sarah,
my little Sarah was gone,
her golden locks
stained with RED.
Her once bright, beautiful eyes,
Now only one remained.
For the soldier shot right above her eye,
so, nothing remained.
The one blue eye,
once beautiful,
Now cloudy.
I gently closed her eye.
I found a cloth,
went to wet it,
And began to cleanse the wound.
She looked better when the wound was not cleaned.
For there was a hole in her head,
I was able to see inside.
I cleaned her limp locks,
And did my best
to cover the gaping hole.
It was still not a pleasant sight to see.
But it looked better than it did before.
I start to clean the
ribbons of blood
on the walls,
And the beautiful, hard, maple floors.
I tried my best, but there
were still faint
ribbons,
staining the walls,
and streaking the floor.
I start to talk to her,
my mind
not accepting the fact that
Sarah
is
gone.
I try to keep her warm
Try, trying to keep the warmth
in her
lifeless body.
I repeat her name
“Sarah, Sarah, it’ll be OK,  y-you’ll be fine.
We’ll get through this together.
I’m sorry Sarah, I’m so, so sorry.
I should have given you my hiding spot,
And I hid in the attic,
I’m sorry.
I failed you.
I’m sorry.”
Aunt Leslie and Uncle John came in then suddenly,
took one look at me
holding Sarah’s
lifeless
body
in my arms,
and started to sob.
They had brought Mom and Dad,
to take Sarah and I
to a refugee camp.
They didn’t hear the gunshot,
that took Sarah’s life.
dad came over to me and told me to let her go,
Mother told me to be strong,
But she had tears,
streaking down her cheeks.
“Lucy,” Mom says, “we need to go,
And we need to go now.”
I look at the body,
in my arms.
Once a lovely little child,
now nothing but a cold corps.
I take Sarah’s locket that she always wore around her neck,
And slipped it into my pocket.
She always knew that I loved it,
she even told me once,”If anything ever happens to me Lucy, it’s yours.”
I had told her not to think like that,
But then again,
I thought the same things.
I apologize  to Aunt Leslie, telling her I did my best
to get the
ribbons of blood,
off the floor and walls.
She said it was OK.
I told Uncle John that when I was safe,
that I would write.
He said that he would miss me,
I did too.
After saying goodbye,
we hurried into a wagon of hay,
the driver willing to help us.
And we were fleeing once again,
for a place to be safe,
will be quite a ways away.
The nearest refugee camp was in Italy.
We will be safe there.
At least,
for a while.
Jan 2018 · 171
Graceless
Catrina Jan 2018
Each day I live, the pain consumes
What little sanity I have bloomed
Like walking in a cloud of fog
Falling down, sinking into smog
Life just seems grim
I think on a whim
Interest lost in everything I do
But what a life, who really knew?
Depressed to a fault, that’s all I see
Death just seems like the only way for me
A waste of time, I feel I am
But that's its nature, a full mind jam
I try and try to ease the pain
A fallen effort with no gain
Thoughts begin to eat away
Makes me want to end it today
Uncomfortable around others for the way I feel
I pray and wish this all wasn't real
Life just seems more like a prison
Caged, alone, an abomination risen
No one could ever understand
Why I would want my death sooner than planned
It's not something I want for me
But to end my suffering this is what has to be
So I write this all as I fall from grace
Down to this place, some barren waste
I know not how much longer I will last
But all I can do, is pray that this will just pass.
Jan 2018 · 191
Inner Monster
Catrina Jan 2018
She looks around.  
At the creatures that surround her.
The hideous monsters..  
With their snarky smiles.
And deadly stares..  Monstrous words..  
But she herself was a monster of her own kind, wasn't she?
What kind of creature.  
Takes pleasure.
In inflicting pain.  
On one's self?  
A MONSTER.  
She is the worst.
The others are fluffy bunnies compared.
To what she was.  What she is.
Only a MONSTER. Would want more pain.
Seized by the creature within, will
She give in?
Impressive, how long she has held on,
and resisted
The delicious calls,
Of the creature caged within.
Jan 2018 · 181
Manipulation
Catrina Jan 2018
Eyes burning, tears at the brim, ready to fall,

Throat is raw, sobs threatening to escape.

Heart, beginning to sink.

The new information that has been

Brought to light.

Thought that it would never happen with this one.

Thought the feelings were real both ways.

Trusted with every ounce available to give.

Back stabbed.

Blindsided.

Lied to.

Manipulated.

So many feelings.

Overwhelmed by them all.

But can't get rid of the love.

The love will always be there.

No matter how much pain must be endured.

Ripped apart.

The heart.

Severely damaged.

The emotions.

Unable to comprehend the intensity of the pain.

The mental stability.

Lost for ever.

The soul.

He was the tragedy.

But where, and who, is the clarity?
Jan 2018 · 415
TImes Like These
Catrina Jan 2018
It’s times like these when you should be next to me.  Times like these when you should have been here.
You used to be so close, now, many miles away.  Leaving me with what was once passion, and is now nothing but aches and pains.
Only your touch, could ever truly take this pain away, even if as soon as you left, the pain returned.
Not a day passes that I don’t think of you, or miss you.  You held me together during some of my worst times, and you didn’t run from what you saw.
You simply held me closer.
Everything I do, reminds me of you.  Oh how I long to be held in you familiar, comforting, safe arms.
I need you so I am not falling apart.  But you had to leave, leave me behind.
And now it’s so dark.  The darkness is swallowing me, and has been for a while.

— The End —