Thats how I will remember her; just as she was.  Laying in my bed wearing her rastafarian drug rug that twinned my own, holding my lanyard close and my brother even closer.  She laughed as she watched me drink lemonade that I later learned contained laxatives, and she avoided any type of emotional outburst that didn’t reveal that she just might not be okay.  As I started to exit my room and said “Goodbye”, she surprised me.

“Don’t say that Bean.”

I looked down at one brown eye and one eye colored fake blue with a contact lens, and I saw sadness in both.  So I smiled sadly and said,
“Instagram you later.”

I wish
She could dream.
I wish
She could smile.
I wish
She'll fall in love.
I wish
She'll overcome.
She could dance
She could fly.
But I forgot
What I should
I should ask her once
Who's the one
Truly,she can't deny
I know.......!!!-22.01.2016

She knew how to hold me
because she was used
to holding herself together.
She bound herself,
not from head to toe, but
from her flat stomach
to her nervous armpit.
Never quite comfortable
in her own skin,
but I was comfortable
against it.

I never knew what
name to call her.
So I called her
lover.
My lover would
rest with me.
Whispers filled the air
like clouds.
Our words were
puffy and white.
Others spoke
acid tongued storm clouds.

Now that she is gone
I still don’t know what
name to call her. Him.
His name
rolls off my tongue
as hers had.
Still bittersweet
and rough, still
my unstable rock.

Rocks crumble and learn
that the rain washes them away.
Rain learns that falling on,
or for, rocks
bruises the heart
and breaks the ribs.
Yet still, the rain comes and
my heart ruptures and
my chest aches of cracks. Still
I long for him.
For her.  For us.

winter
follows me
here

under
the creeping snow
shadows move
with the sound
of yellowed leaves

He said he loves me
He sees forever in my eyes
But he was too afraid
To jump into the void
And take a leap of faith

I knew I love him
And eagerly
I jumped into the void
All alone.

It wasn't enough that he loved me
And saw forever in my eyes
I knew right then
I have to rise up
Pick up what was broken

Forever is such a long time
To be spent with the wrong person.

Never would I seek to cause you pain
Never would I plan your demise
How I ache for just one more look in your eyes
I wish I could bare my heart and soul and mind to you
Let you inside to see all that I hide
So you would truly know how much I love you
Words are hurtful
Silence is death to what we had, I know
I realize I allowed the silence to destroy the good we once had
I would give anything to reverse that choice
I know matter what I say now or do
You will question my intentions
No more nights cuddling
No more laughs together
No more sweet kisses
My clown ninja has gone
My heart breaks over and over
As I remember all the times we had together
All the happiness you brought in my life
All the times you stood strong for me when I was falling apart
Took you for granted
Took your friendship for granted
I abandoned you when you needed me the most
I will forever regret that
So now, I know I can't change the past
Can't take it away
All I can do is ask for your forgiveness
All I can do is promise never to take you for granted again
Hopefully one day you will understand the logic behind my actions
One day we can rekindle that friendship I cherish
If not I understand and you will forever live in my memories
You will be immortal in my life
Because so many of these words I have written speak of you
I will read them and remember you
I will cherish the moments we shared
I will always love you with all my heart, please don't doubt that
Doubt my actions, or lack there of
Never doubt that you hold a piece of my heart and always will.