I sat there in the washing room,
The cold material the sink was made from, touching my skin,
I shivered, looking down at my arm, so disgusting and fat…
The bone itself rotting, the skin pale and forgotten.
I would want to blame every single mistake on you,
Say that you lead me here because that’s what you do.
Make me feel like I’m on top of the world, then just make me fall…
Why did you do that? Why did you make me believe?
That there was a chance to love and end up cuddling?
Why were you, in my eyes so perfect and pure?
So ******* amazing, so talented, so tall…
I looked in the mirror, to only see pain,
To see where the dried tears, ended up in vain.
You see those eye bags? They disgust me so much,
I barely sleep not, I think I started to rust…
So broken, yet fixable, but you threw me away…
I was not good enough or simple or just too insane…
I looked at my arm, so disgusting and fat,
But I am sure the red stream will fix that.

Here I was, in my lowest point.
Already broken, hurt and destroyed.
I try to fight back the urge that I feel,
To break all the glass that I see,
And paint it in red as I bleed.
I’m trying my best, to keep it together,
To not break again and let the demons enter.
I pinned my hope, on your little head,
Trying to stay here, till my merry end…
Nowhere to go, as my screams echo…
I sit here, in front of a mirror,
Thinking out loud, writing a letter.
Do you know what I see?
Apart from living flesh?
A useless image, with lots of regrets…
I waited for something, for words that can heal,
For that stupid phrase that you believe.
“It will get better, you just got to push through.”
Though now I realize, I disappointed you.
The small things, they matter,
The details to the painting, they make it better.
I wonder how brave, I will become…
Will I say goodbye when I’m done?
Will my words ever reach your ears?
Or will this just end with more tears…?

I wish was someone else, nothing like me,
Not so soft, so gullible and sweet.
I wish I could not feel, the harsh winds of life,
To not hear everyone’s words at night…

I wish I was strong with thick skin,
Big muscles, strong opinions and white teeth…
Instead I cry at every movie I see
And cuddle a pillow to fall asleep…

I don’t have social skills, because of stupid fears,
I can’t help that social interactions give scars.
Every single word travels to heart,
Where it leaves a big and nasty mark.

Why would God give all this baggage?
To feel and be in pain for a ticket to heaven.
I hate being soft, but I’m sure I’ll get through,
One way or another, I hope it’s with you.

It took me a while, to think of some words…
Words that could heal and make it less hurt.
Though after some thinking, a whole bunch of it,
I write a letter to you, to remember the times I really miss.
I cried on your shoulder, one too many times,
You listened to me when I let myself rot.
You somehow you knew what to say to make it stop…
Remember the time? When we laughed like buffoons?
It was so simple yet wonderful, I miss those times too…
Remember when we talked about pointless things?
Time seemed to pass quickly and it tickled my brain.
You probably don’t even know, how much you really meant,
Because you’re the only person I’ve talked about men,
Or told my deepest secrets and you shared yours too,
My dear, I hope you miss those times too.
I remember you, but it doesn’t cause pain…
It makes me smile, not because I’m insane!
You make me smile, because you were very unique,
You took yourself apart to make others feel less weak.
I thank you so much, for everything that you did,
Not just for me but for every soul that you reached.
Rest well, wait for me and your friends to join up,
It will be fun again to make jokes about butts.
We will giggle out loud, just you and me,
Because you were just that great,
To those that were able to see.

I wish I was different, more like everyone else…
I wish I was manly and strong by myself.
To have thicker skin, strong muscles,
Better cheekbones and manlier **** muscles…
I can’t help that I am so soft,
I’m like a marshmallow, so puffy and sweet,
I like cute things like cookies and home made things…
I can tell what you should wear on your one night out,
I can say that you look fierce today and giggle out loud…
I can snap my fingers and say “Nu-uh!” but that won’t help,
Cause I am too soft for the world and everyone else…
I can’t help that I like to cuddle a pillow, when I sleep tight
In my very comfy sheets with hearts and cute little beasts…
I think women are nice, they are smart and proud,
They are our mothers, our doctors and teachers,
Without them we would all be so dumb,
Hitting each other with sticks and stones all night long…
Though something about a man is way more special,
They give better hugs and make me feel like I could give my life to another…
I would move mountains for some, yet some are real *****,
They seem to know what’s right when they kick around the weak…
I guess I just like them, for who they are, so strong, so comfy,
So handsome and tall, or short or chubby, they just seem so nice,
They know what would be good for me, they would protect me at night.
I wish I could change something, make myself not who I am now.
But I should learn how to love and be proud,
I am here, almost functional and I am quite caring,
I can be interesting and wonderful and just simply nice,
And maybe I’m soft but I keep myself alive.