The guy I love
is a video addict.
He loves to see me naked,
and almost always tell me he loves me when he can.
I believed that he was the one,
that he would be able to drag me out of the darkness.
Instead he caused it.
What the **** is love?
******* to your hot girlfriend?
******* her senseless whilst telling her she is beautiful?
Is it pouring your guts to her and telling her that all you need is her?
The girl I love is stable and shy
Quiet and remorseful.
She is everything I have wished for.
Sadly I will always go back to the guy.
I don't know what we have
or how we even got it.
We both do know that one day
We will be happily divorced
with kids
silently loving each other
because that, in the end
is what we really wanted all along.

It seems as if you slowly are just becoming the creature
not any creature
but that creature that has been in all my nightmares
ever since you struck me
with your power and fury.
I sometimes wish we could have had that bond
that bond every girl wishes to have
for you to hold me
and love me unwillingly
to do anything in your power to ever stop me from thinking
about death or sacrifice.
If only you could stop drinking
Stop cursing my brain with your foul mouth.
You are the reason I am alive and dead
pushing me to explore things that are uncalled for.
In my dream, you are the only one alive
killing all of us.
You have caused so many things
and you deserve so much more
than me.
I will always try and love you unwillingly,
but until you know everything about me
my cuts, my attempt at freedom,
then you shall never know how to
be a Dad.

It is sad to think that I actually wrote poems about you.
I always thought you would end up being the one
you would kiss me when I am blue
and tell me you love me when I see you
and now there is honestly nothing I can do
but cry
and think
maybe I should let you go too

What if I turn into you?
What if the hatred I put towards you
the ugly and the horrific outbursts
are just because you are me
and I am you?
What if I become the drunk?
What if at around 2 am
I am singing to you and all my other dead friends
and crying mercilessly?
What if I judge my kids and make them hate me?
What if I turn out to be you?
We shall wait.

I looked into myself
and found a way for you to love me.
your honesty
your igniting light
you care for me
and now
I will
care for you too