why must i feel
everything
so deeply?

why is it so hard to express
those emotions out in the open?
why can't i allow myself to be vulnerable around anyone?

why do i bottle everything up?

i've been running
a marathon
for what feels like an eternity.
i'm at the one hundred mile mark
but
there are
no water stations,
no refueling tables,
no finish line
in sight.

how much longer will i be this way?
i'm so tired.
my body feels like lead -
weighing me down.
(my mind left miles ago)

will my legs give out?
will i be crushed under this weight?
will my body shut down?
(my mind already has)

the butterflies in my stomach
the flutter in my chest
are overtaken
by the weight of self-doubt
and overthinking.

those butterflies,
that flutter
are the only things i ever want to feel.
pure bliss.
pure happiness.

the self-doubt, the overthinking,
the anxiety it brings
is overwhelming.
shutting down is the only option.

it's all i can do.
(but i can't)

i have lost
i have won
i have been down
i have been up

my world has been rocked
and turned
upside down

so much has changed
yet so much has stayed the same

things have become more complex
yet some have simplified

(i just want this year to end)
i never want this year to end

I am happy now

These things I have penned
These thoughts that were once impenetrable
Have dissipated.

Each one of these poems
Mean nothing to me.

I still feel pain
but I'm not afraid to hurt anymore.

There is a light -
I just had to go through the darkest depths
to find it.

I'm proud to say
"I made it"
Memories sometimes surface
but I have the strength to push them away.
I have the strength to let the sun shine on me.

I finally learned that it is okay to be happy.

oh how i would love
coffee and a cigarette
they are both so lovely
and romantic
they make for perfect pictures
but one of these
killed my cousin.
oh how romantic

Do not buy me roses.
Roses are beautiful,
but the last time
someone gave me roses,
was at a funeral.
Do not buy me roses
of any color -
red,
pink,
or yellow.
My grandmother
gave me pink roses
at her funeral.
My dear cousin
gave me red roses
at his funeral.
Do not buy me a rose
because I will punch you in the nose.