I start my day in a panic, so much energy I feel galvanic. You would think its fun in reality I feel like I'm spun. I have a million thoughts trying to win the same race, feeling uneasy in my skin as I begin to pace.

I try to message my friends and reach out, only to receive questions of doubt. It's all "mind over matter" they say, and I feel a ping of betray because they really think I'm making myself this way.

Even on my medication I feel like nothing more than an abomination. How could someone so broken be one of GOD's creations? That's when my thoughts redirect remembering none of GOD's children are perfect. Each one made in his glory, for the purpose of living out our own story.

My life has become more than I can handle too. It just feels like I'm stuck in a room full of mirrors, not knowing which direction to go but at this point I'm so stuck I lose either way.

At first I was upset with myself for losing the kids and getting back into ****, and the only way to not feel that was to feel nothing but the drugs ya know?

Then with everyone else upset too, I started to believe everything they said. That I'd never be able to crawl out of this fuxkin hole. My head got twisted and I turned it on everyone else. Like I saw it as you guys all gave up on me because I was being a pos, not because I was destroying myself and you guys couldn't watch it take place anymore.

I thought all my "friends" were actually my friends, ya know? I thought they were sticking around because they cared about me, regardless of if I was an addict or not. I didn't think they were only around because of the drugs, so my loyalty went to them because I thought they were loyal to me. If that all makes sense.

Regardless of how much I wanted to change and get better, I couldn't bring myself to walk away from the very ones I should have. Which in turn, has me sitting there watching everyone around me getting high, and I couldn't leave because I thought that they were all I had left. And I couldn't abandon them like I thought I had been abandoned.

But I also can't watch someone stick a needle in their vein, and get high while I just sit there sober. I didn't think I could do it all on my own, ya know? When I got out of jail this last time, as soon as I got home I got to watch two people shoot up in front of me. I didn't want to call anyone to get me out of there, because I didn't want to make my "friends" feel like an ***, and I expected whomever I would've called to bitxh at me for getting myself into that situation.

Dad died, and we could've said goodbye. You had it all figured out, and I said no because they said he was gonna be okay and I thought it would be best if the kids didn’t go. Not even twenty four hours later we lost him. Not only did I lose my chance to say goodbye to my birth father, I also took yours away too. I could've just kept my mouth shut and ******  it up, but instead I ruined it. A month before dad passed, CYS took the kids from their dad and placed the kids in foster care. Life just became way too much.

I got booked, and two days after I got out of jail M* got arrested for DUI vehicular manslaughter. He told me a day before that, that one of the reasons he did the stuff was so he could stay awake to keep an eye on me and make sure I was okay. At the time it felt like I couldn't handle all of that. I am the reason M had drugs in his system at the time of the accident, to which two people lost their life's. The man who passed away due to the accident, and then M. The man that will spend the next ten to twenty years in prison because he had drugs in his system. All so he could look after his careless, reckless, selfish girlfriend.

Regardless of what I do now, I'm in too deep. Its inevitable that I will be going to jail, yet again. I'm angry because I was actually checking in with probation and stuff this time. I was putting in effort to do the right thing, but clearly it wasn't enough. I can go to rehab and get treatment for my substance abuse, my mental health and all that as well. But after I'm released, I will still go to jail. I'll more than likely still officially lose my children and whatever I have left. Which means whenever I would be released I would still be in this hole.

Or I can run, with **** near the same outcome. I will still officially lose my kids, end up getting arrested, lose whatever I have left. So why not fake it ya know? Why not act like I'm not lost, like the people i surround myself with actually care about me? Attempt to feel alive, even if only for a brief moment before I reach the inevitable outcome that I have set up for myself?

As far as I can remember you’ve RAN my life,

From my father and mother and also Ex-wife,

We all have been your worthless slave,

Days we refused are the days we craved,

Desolation and destruction in your wake,

I’ve offered you my useless life to take,

As I fail to get my life on track,

I just shoot bigger loads of twack,

I’m as lost as the orphan boy in the woods,

I’m not remembered for doing much good,

Only wrongs and misplaced hate,

Had me wander into my fate,

I blame them all but not once me,

I blame them all one, two, and three,

So as I pointed out all their flaws,

I became immersed by your powerful jaws,

Your claws are sharp, long and pointy,

So where’s the right path can you please point me?

My direction is sporadic as my thoughts,

I knows there’s this one thing that I’ve been taught,

And that is never show weakness not in this game,

Or you may end up killed by what’s his name,

He burned you badly beyond repair,

Because you tread with little care,

I get that you were naïve,

But in my words you should believe,

I’ve been down this road my whole life through,

I beg that you won’t do these things that I do!,

I had a soul as my Fathers son,

And as my mothers youngest one,

I’ve watched these paths taken lightly,

The scenes I’ve seen aren’t all that sightly,

I’ve been young and as I grow old,

I started to learn to do as I’m told,

For if I hear those words nye,  

Soon I’ll be the one to die!,

Im so lost, alone, and misunderstood,

Sorrily the high I get just isn’t that good!,

Good enough I think inside,

But it could be better if only I tried,

Tears and blood oh I have tasted,

But its nothing to the years I've seemingly wasted!

Life has definitely given you a fair share of ups and downs, yet I hardly ever see you with a frown. I've never taken the time to thank you and mom for welcoming me into the family like one of your own, regardless of my mistakes y'all never let me feel alone. An incredible family with a couple more pieces, thank you for giving me my beautiful nieces! Here's to the family, that the bond never ceases!

Happy 25th birthday Codie!

December 13, 2020