Ayla: Favorites

Oct 2018 Ayla

Kaley Smith

I wake up
45 minutes earlier
To pick out a pretty outfit
Not a "I really tried pretty"
,but a "I really tried to make it look like I didn't try
Pretty."
I crown myself with
One.. Two.. Three
Spritz of perfume
And inhale
As the mist
Dances
              To
                   My
                         Feet
Everyday
Just for the chance
Of being noticed
Please notice
I really want to sleep in tomorrow

#crush #tired #attention

Oct 2018 Ayla

Wading through the glades of emotion

Oct 2018 Ayla

Roberta Day

Wading through the glades of emotion

Exhausted
from feeling
   reeling
peeling away my exoskeleton
of mossy vehemence

Disgusted
from festering
pestering bacteria
leeching my energy
depleting my senses

Desensitized
towards romance
no chance
for me
Sinking
in a swamp
instead of grasping
for relief

Ashamed
for allowing
disavowing
natural instincts
Crying
   dying
internally invaded
by poisonous neglect
  Suicide
by choking on
your spoken words
I kept

#love #poetry #depression #neglect

Oct 2018 Ayla

letters for you

Oct 2018 Ayla

celesti

letters for you

i wrote you
a letter every day
letters to tell you
just how i feel

written in neat, curved
writing i told you
just how sweet
i thought you were
how you made my heart
glow

letters in which i wrote
with various colors of ink
pouring out my whole being
to you

i wrote you
a letter every day.

i wrote you letters in which
i told you how you made me
bloom.

eventually
i found myself
pressing harder on
the paper
than i had before.

creating tears in them
similar in shape
and size
as the ones
inside of me.

i began to send
letters
with creases
and bumps
and stains
splattered with tears

pouring
from my eyes

as i wrote
the anger
bubbling within me.

my last letter
addressed to you
contained
no words

but was blank.
because
i had none that

could reach
as far

and deep

into the cracks
of my
heart

to describe
just
what you

had left
of me.

a draft i decided to finish because it took a totally different turn than originally intended.

#love #sad #depression

Oct 2018 Ayla

That one night...

Oct 2018 Ayla

Noone

That one night...

I know my texts don't excite you anymore,
But you are polite enough to reply it anyway
And if I call you, you'll receive it too
But I know you cringe when you hear my voice
Just for the night , you needed me
Just for that one night
The night's already over
But I m not over you yet

I remember everything, so clearly in my head
How beautifully you sang, & I sang along with you
How you made me laugh, laugh & laugh so hard
How you held my hands & we tried to dance
How your lips blew life to my cold and dry spirit
How the butterflies in my stomach fluttered
How my cheeks turned crimson and I looked away
But you kept on staring at me
Like you wanted to fall in love...

I did not undress my body that night,
I undressed my soul
I put it right in front you
Just in its purest form
I let you see me,
See all my imperfections
I told you all my fears,
The secrets I hid inside,
I thought this is it,
This is what I had been looking for,
My soul was happy
And thought it had found "THE ONE"

Little did I know, it was only for the night
Just for that one night
So tell me who do I blame?
Blame you for setting up my hopes high
Or blame me for believing the truth like lie
Or should I just blame the night?
The night for lasting just awhile.......

Sep 2018 Ayla

Swallowed the Sun

Sep 2018 Ayla

Moonbeam Dream

Swallowed the Sun

the day I finally caught the sun
between my lips
was the day i was set free
from the iron cage
with its iron bars,
that crushed my arms
and shattered my lungs.
i closed my eyes
and let the golden flames
drip down the back of my throat
and coat my tongue like honey.
i felt it spread through
my chest,
felt the thing i
had been chasing
for years
and years
and years.
i watched as the inky blackness
that had suffocated me
for so many silent nights
bled from my fingertips and
sunk into the dirt,
staining the daisies
and wilting the poppies.
a golden bead
slipped
down my cheek,
and i wondered
why my tears
had never tasted so
sweet.
sitting down with the sunflowers,
i watched the cotton candy
clouds
float across the baby blue sky,
and began writing about
the day i swallowed the sun.

Aug 2018 Ayla

I couldn't write silence

Aug 2018 Ayla

egghead

I couldn't write silence

We cannot write silence.
The beats.
The pause.
The breath.
The way it aches
and persists

and begs that,

if only for a moment,

our consciousness is only a whisper.
our bodies,
our lips,
the air that passes through falling chests
and stillness.

A melody of emotion.
Sleeping in the quiet of a heartbeat skipped
a word lost to the wind.

The wickedness of reticence
Encapsulated in air and time.

The moment stretched too long.
Hesitation perpetuated in the grip of fingernails
pressed into palms.

We cannot write silence,
but we can try.

to find a way to immortalize emotion
to create space
in the ceaseless drone of words that speak and spin.

I cannot write silence. But I can write
tears and years
and the burn of long-stretched lies.

I can write goodbyes and hellos
And dozen ways to say
I love to hate you
Or
I hate to love you
and sometimes
I cannot tell the difference.
Silence.
The space I have upheld for myself.

I love to hate you
Heart.

I hate to love you too.

I cannot write silence.
But I know it.
and I have held it in my hand.

Inspired by the Vanity Fair article of André Aciman's reaction to his book *Call Me By Your Name* being made into a movie. Specifically the quote, "I couldn't write silence."

#call #me #by #your #name