There's a movie playing in the background
While I scroll through the perfect words
Someone else has written.
Woven together on a string,
A necklace I wish I wore.
An anchor to hold me in place.
A weight that I've been carrying,
But couldn't see
Until someone showed me it was there.
The scenes in the movie echo my imaginings
For a love I don't own,
For a life I only have
In those moments just before I wake.
Sweet seconds when my eyes
Are closed tight.
Hot tears tumble down.
No longer floating on a daydream,
I crash back to a reality of jagged truths
That only draws more grief
From a place I begged my heart
To hide from me.
But I chose the movie
And I chose the words
To distract me and tether me
To anything but the thought of you.
And what I want.
And what I don't have.
And what I can't have.
Still here I am,
Drowning in my loneliness,
In a fantasy I should let go of
Before it drags me beneath the violent sea.
I'm searching for a way to love you
That honors how I should love myself.
Confronted with the distressing thought
That I would lift you above the waves
While I let myself sink deeper.
Some part of me screams,
"That's how it should be!"
So the salt dries on my cheeks.
And the movie keeps playing.
And I keep scrolling.
Pushing myself away,
Forgetting to take a breath.