Cascading puddle of brown and red and gold
I lay in the sunlight beside you
until the clouds take the sun away.
you seem to be far away,
and that's okay.
I'm rarely here, anyway.
I tend to never let myself
be fully present
our of fear of the impermanence.
I crave your flesh against mine,
and soft loving words
and warm breaths and even warmer kisses.
but I'm honestly afraid
that I am too broken
to be of any use in that sense.
I want to feel the blood pulsing beneath the surface of your skin,
so I know you find me less of an annoyance
and more of a blessing.
but how do I know this?
honestly I don't.
you don't tell me these things,
and I have trouble knowing if I am worth anything at all.
I wonder if you know
how I love you so.
if you're aware of how I so desire
your eyes filled with fire
or the way you fill my heart so rapidly
everytime you smile or look at me.
but I wish I could explain properly
all the ways I am not okay,
like how I cannot just ask for food or things or say what I would like to do.
like how I feel guilty
when you pay for anything for me,
or how I feel bad
when I can't quite keep up with
or pay attention to your video games.
but if I could melt into the sunlight,
and guide upon the path winding,
I would if it meant your peace of mind
I want chocolate. ***.