My head is full of
Little boys
Mamma bears
And pretty girls

My mind is filled with
Unfinished poetry
Lost song lyrics
And the deepest thoughts

My inner voice is always reciting
Self deprecating jokes
Burning questions
And sweet melodies

My mind is a turmoil
Of people
Places
Objects
Words
All the things that make me,
Me

I try to love myself
And sometimes I do
I think I’m cute,
I think my smile is pretty,
I think I am likable,
But I think that really loving yourself
Means that you say,
“I know I am cute,
I know my smile is pretty,
And I know that I am likable”
But the thing is,
How can I say that I know...
When no one ever says
That I am cute
That my smile is pretty
And that I am likable.
I have no idea where to go from here
Help?
Please?
Because everyone just thinks of me
As a friend
My guy friends
And my girl friends
I don’t think that any of them
Have ever thought of me
In any other way
How do I show people,
That I can be more than just a friend?

Laying in my bed curled up
Acid in my throat because I didn’t eat
Clenching my fists around my blankets because I can’t sleep

Are you thinking of me?
Laying in a tent, uncomfortably,
Snuggling close to your fluffy white dog or your younger brother to stay warm.

Are you missing me?
No. Not the way I’m missing you
You’re not thinking of me the way I’m thinking of you
And though it means the world to me that a beautiful soul like yours is friends with a storm cloud like me, it shatters my heart into thousands of sharp, jagged pieces that you’re
~ just ~
my friend.

“I’m sorry but I need to know, is it mutual? It’s alright if it’s a no, I can handle it, I just want you...to be honest”
A pause...
Then the raindrop falls.
“Right now, it’s a no”

Ripples.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
No.
No.
No.
STOP.
I care about you so much, I know I need to let you go, so you would never read this, and I would never show anyone this.
It’s all swirling around in my chest, faster and faster until it explodes, word ***** and tears.
I love you.

I didn’t tell you I loved you, only that I had feelings for you.
Why bother? It would’ve made things more painful for me, more bitter for you.

But I can’t show you this.
I don’t want you to change.
I don’t want you to change the way you speak to me, to change your mind when you’re about to type a heart emoji,
to stop yourself after just saying “goodnight” and leave out the “baby”

This is my undoing, not yours, and I want you to keep letting me be your anchor, your shoulder, your shield, my open arms waiting to catch you when you tumble from your flight.
I can’t keep loving you, I can’t stop loving you.
I want to stop feeling at all.