"I'm tired," I say,
"That's all."
And in a way, I guess it's true.
In every other way,
It's a lie.

Tonight you ask me
What depression feels like.
I think, then tell you
That it's sort of like
Slowly clicking up a roller coaster hill,
Waiting and waiting to peak,
But never reaching the top.

You seem confused
But don't ask anything else.
Soon enough you're gossiping about
How that girl we know got pregnant.
You don't understand that
I am still climbing that godforsaken hill.

People call me heartless,
Robotic.
I wonder if they realize
How difficult it is to function
When you're not sure if you even exist.

And here I am,
Dodging your politely, forcefully concerned gaze,
As you ask me what's wrong.
"I'm tired," I say,
"That's all."

I wish I could explain depression to you
Once again and scream about
How I wish I could feel anything.
Do you really want to know what depression is like?
Depression is like having a disinterested corpse
Skillfully stowed in the shell of my body.

"You seem so sad lately.
Can't you at least pretend to care?"
Oh, honey, if you only knew.
You ramble on about this and that,
But I'm no longer listening.
You could dig for centuries
And never strike my dying core.

And THAT, my innocent, naive fool,
Is what depression feels like.

My therapist told me
I show symptoms of OCD
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
But I do not have it

My days are full of fowl
images
that spread through my brain

like poison
down the waterfall
of my mind

I hold my chest
and whisper goodbye
to my mother

Only I know of the
fatal accident
that will take her life today

I keep the thoughts close
like toddlers running off to play
If I lose track of them
They will become trouble

I'm used to these thoughts
they used to shake me to my core
they don't seem to anymore

I am scared
But I am prepared
I tell myself

im so done.
so done.
done.
.

stheyre goingto find me
thosefeelingsi tried to leavebehing but theyy sswoulndt leave me.

theywalk beside me in thesunlgith sheileding their eyes
and in the darktheysmile stroking my hair

sayingyou;re n o t e n o u g h enunciating eachwordhisssssing
whispers

never ever ever enough youcould ne v  e   r be en o ugh
too much at the same timg like please picka ******* feeling

shes an oldfriend thistype oflonliness
i know her well
.

I was never asking you to stay forever—
I was just hoping you’d leave slower,
so my heart could learn how to break in pieces, not all at once...
Utku Can Güzel

to be a teenager is to be in those social media group chats
to be a teenager is to know the hot goss, to know everyone's life
to be a teenager is to gush over boys and giggle when they look at you
to be a teenager is to be reckless, and funny, and happy
it's a social norm
it's known that if you don't do any of that, you're left out

so no, I'm not in the group chat with the funny name
no, i don't know the hot goss on jenny and tyler
no, I don't like any boys — i'm trying to figure out my sexuality
no, i don't like to be reckless, i'm not funny and...
i'm not happy
but maybe being a teenager isn't just that-
maybe it's the quiet, chaotic, messy in-betweens
maybe it's the questions with no answers yet
maybe it's the becoming, not the being
.....right?

The aftermath forever loud
Leaving silence caught in time
Like the introvert hidden in the massive crowd
Suffocating in the expectancy of life
Anger bursting
Nobody gets it
Fury of feeling robbed
Time stolen yet still breathing
The aftermath forever loud
How could one method suffice ?
One theory tested trial after trial
At this point anyone would give up
Knowing the change craved could never appear
Awakening the previous unknown deepest fear
The aftermath forever loud
This mask caught behind the curtain
No one welcomed backstage
No volunteers,  guess they are afraid
The truth is ugly but reality
Seeping near the surface
One mistake the filled cup will flow the wrong way
The aftermath forever loud
Brought a forever nightmare , night and day stands proud.