Morning Sunlight keens like a mother
cries for her dying child & leaves
abandon their trees

while fall presumes winter
will glower like black
ice

hard from
preceding
months,

where the promise
of spring seems
unattainable.

I'm wishing I could turn back time,
Wishing life was a Ferris Wheel and I could get,
                 Could get off
Once I'm t-
                        t-
                              tired of bird-blemished wharf views.

                              But
              life                            is
           a                                     hamster
   wheel                                            and
          I                                         forgot
                how                       to
                               stop.

Forgot,
                 Forgot I was in a cage.

Cuz I,
                 I want to become more than myself
But I,
                 I am less than the sum of my parts
And I,
                 I am less than myself, these days.

Time falls away and I am,
                 I am so much less than left behind.
                                  So much less,
                                                   So much less than myself.

I'm wishing I could turn back time,
Wishing life was just a pocket watch I forgot,
                 Forgot to wind,
Sounding t-
                        t-
                              ticking, t-ticking, and t-ticking me off.

                              But
              my                             head's
           a                                         time
     bomb                                          and
         my                                         heart
            keeps                          ticking
                              louder

Cuz I,
                 I'm waiting for the stagnancy of today
And I,
                 I'm waiting for it to fall, fall far, far away
But I,
                 I'm waiting for time to learn to evolve.

I'm waiting,
                 Waiting to get off this hamster wheel.
                                  I'm waiting.
                                                   I'm waiting.

This evening I will discover a fibrous black-green substance under the nails of the first three fingers on my right hand.
I will excavate it with a nail file, and inspect it in my palm, it will be poked, prodded, and rolled into a ball.
I will recognize this substance.
While I recollect,
There will be a sleeping sea turtle one hour south, twenty minutes out, and twelve meters deep with three long scratches etched into the algae - exposing a marbled shell.
My vision will narrow and my senses will perk.
I will breath long heavy breaths into my regulator,
I will feel fins pushing past, up and through my heart strings,
I will spill salt water tears,
The ocean is a fishbowl that contains only me, and a creature after my own self.

you can promise me forever.
you can promise me every past star in the night sky,
every flower that the earth grows unapologetically,
every hour of sleep i always let slip away from me,
and i would still never believe you.

for some reason,
every word has lost its original meaning.
you tell me you love me,
but i can't even begin to grasp what you mean
when you say a four letter word that is the simpliest word to read.

i wish i could feel loved.
whatever that means.
and i wish i knew the original meaning.
whatever that means.

I know you won't fall for me,
But you will fall eventually,
And when you do
I promise she'll be there to catch you.

and then
one day
my sky
really did fall
and life carried on
without
me
but eventually
i was helped up
slowly
dusted myself off
and i even learned
to smile
again