Ayn: Poems

44 · Apr 2020

Lost

Ayn Apr 2020

Lost

What’s lost
Shall be missed,
Held dear,
And close.

But remember:

The lost
Can be found,
The broken
Can be repaired.

The only true dead
Are the ones lost
From heart,
And mind.

44 · Apr 2020

Taken Into Account

Ayn Apr 2020

Taken Into Account

How many more
Nights
Will I spend
Alone?

And how much is left
To balance out
These nights spent solo?

The entirety of this is a pun on how I’m broke and lonely. Welp if I have one I might as well have both!

#love

44 · Mar 2020

Stars

Ayn Mar 2020

Stars

Above my eyes,
Yet sitting right inside
Lie the midnight stars
Flowing like the tide.

They twinkle without bitter,
And giggle and titter.
Floating flippantly and freely
Through the night so dreamy.

Watching us from above
Just as we watch from below.
The stars signal a guiding dove,
And we follow it’s tidal flow.

The stars are there to guide us right,
So why is the night now void of their light?

Where have the stars gone?

Where has the light gone?

#stars #light #night

44 · May 2020

Ring-a-ding-ding

Ayn May 2020

Ring-a-ding-ding

What if the things I say
End up as too much?
And that line
Was long since breached.

It’s something I will regret,
But a something I can’t take back.
If words were really that easy to take back,
Why are there still wars.

All I can do is apologize
And hope that this game
Wasn’t rigged from the start.

It’s a reference to Fallout: New Vegas. A quest is called ring-a-ding-ding, and in that quest you **** someone that shot you in the head (it’s weird). That person has a famous quote at the start of the game “From where you’re kneeling, it may just seem like an 18 karat run of bad luck, but the truth is, the game was rigged from the start.”

44 · May 2020

Icy chains

Ayn May 2020

Icy chains

Cold and frozen
Inside a cage of my own.
There’s nobody out there to thaw me out,
Nobody to listen for my frostbitten shout.

Maybe I’m just a mannequin,
Singing lullabies and lies
Until my stifled cries
Reveal the real human inside.

After all, mannequins can’t get frostbite. So obviously I’m not one. But maybe my entire personality is just another puppet. Maybe I am a puppetmaster?

44 · May 2020

notepad 8 (I think...)

Ayn May 2020

notepad 8 (I think...)

As paper falls,
the wind is blown.
The life once held in this sole book
is now spread across the land,
free to follow the wind.

44 · Jan 2020

slop

Ayn Jan 2020

slop

Have you ever felt
Like pushing down a friend
And kissing them senseless?

A regretful feeling,
As fleeting as the twilight sun,
Yet as memorable as the colors
That existed during that frame.

I still wish I acted differently,
I wish I acted without my inhibitors,
And sized my embarrassing moment,
Spending it on the floor with him.

Yes. True story, I don’t even like the dude like that, I never did. I wonder what would’ve happened if I did do that. The story is stored under a locked note on my phone and the title was the password. Christ this is some embarrassing ****... but I don’t know you people IRL so it’s ok...? Eh *** it’s not that bad.

44 · Feb 2020

Silent Road

Ayn Feb 2020

Silent Road

A morning dew greets the sun,
Forming crystal beads upon the grass.
As a courtesy to this rising flame,
And to that falling luminary,
The mountain brushes off the cool air,
Forming flavorless cotton candy
At its imposing base.

A darkened sky
Lightens up
As a bomb of color
Blows up the east,
Smearing the sky with color.

I remember the sights like these that I saw on the way to climb Mt. Washington back in August. I was a bit nervous at first bc it’s such a tall mountain and I was doing the second hardest route, but it was fun... and it absolutely killed my legs for the next 3 days.

43 · Feb 2020

Distinction

Ayn Feb 2020

Distinction

How do I know
That I love you?

What is the distinction
Between ‘like’ and ‘love’?

Who decided
That I should confess now?

#love

43 · Jan 2020

Stillest Moments

Ayn Jan 2020

Stillest Moments

As I sit ever so still,
I seem perfectly calm.
But on my visceral inside
Erupts a magnitude 9.

Ugh, I hate butterflies when they roam my stomach.

#anxiety

43 · Apr 2020

Gay

Ayn Apr 2020

Gay

It used to mean happy

But what is it now?

A homosexual slur.

43 · May 2020

Notepad 2

Ayn May 2020

Notepad 2

I almost forgot
To write one.

Who’s ever even heard
Of a one day streak?

Nobody.

Because there’s a more common phrase
For this phenomenon:
Lack of commitment.

43 · Apr 2020

Psychopath

Ayn Apr 2020

Psychopath

I mean it’s a possible reason
For those years of a facade.

Feeling nothing;
No connection,
No emotion.

Just blank.
Only old morals
Kept me from
Arming myself
With intent to harm.

I’m not sure if you can come out of that though. All I know is that I felt a need to retaliate. I thought of bringing death to those who left me forsaken. No guilt, just righting wrongs. Only a brief remembrance of how harming others has repercussions stopped me.

43 · Feb 2020

Invocation

Ayn Feb 2020

Invocation

I call myself a writer
Yet I’ve never made another cry
With the pieces I’ve written.
I’ve seen looks of disgust,
And those of disappointment,

But how does one invoke
The emotions felt in that moment
In the hearts and minds of the literate?

I want to create tears from one’s eyes,
Let the warm water streak a path,
And then send a fearful shiver
Up their chilled spine,
And freeze those beads of water
Into spikes of ice.

Maybe a boiling rage can follow,
And dissipate those trailing tears.

But when all is said and all is done,
Others spike emotion.

I spike none.

I realized that I’ve never seemed to have the same effect on others with my writing as others’s work has had an effect on me. Sometimes, there’s more to believing than seeing though, so I’ll hope that somewhere, sometime, I’ll invoke the intended emotion into someone.

#emotion #writing #writer #poetry

42 · Feb 2020

Unthanked

Ayn Feb 2020

Unthanked

I
Hated
My
Life,
But
You
Saved
Me
From
Myself.

Inspired by BeautifullyBroken’s 10 word poems. I still have to thank him, and tell him that I’ve forgiven his assholesque rejections.

42 · Jan 2020

Upwards

Ayn Jan 2020

Upwards

Above the ever changing trees
Lies the ever growing tower of stone.
A swift mountain breeze,
Causes the stout wood to groan.

Like a pebble
Being blown lightly
Across a desert storm,
I was unknowingly blown
Off of the towering stone.

There was more, but it changed the way what I had written appeared to me, so I cut it off.

#nature #death

42 · Jan 2020

Drowning

Ayn Jan 2020

Drowning

In over my head,
And it all starts to change.
My air is running out,
I just might as well die.
So I break the ocean,
Rise with it’s tide,
And landing in her motion,
I sail to solace by her side.

Jan.2.2020
I keep typing Dec.2019 by accident...

Ummmm... it’s 2am and I’ve been reading way too much rom-com manga...

42 · Jan 2020

Until Death

Ayn Jan 2020

Until Death

From skin to bone,
I shall forever be alone.

Until death...

Until death comes for me,
Rips my existence apart,
Then leaves my body be,
As if he never graced my soul.

Then I will be alone,
And so frigidly, rigidly cold.

It is of a faintest hope I hold,
That I will not be alone
In the painfully adjacent future.

I thank you for your time.

41 · Jan 2020

Space

Ayn Jan 2020

Space

Under my covers,
Hiding.
From what?
I have no clue.
Fear sets in
Like clouds of hail;
Slowly descending,
Then pelted with
Everlasting darkness.

My breathing is
R a g
g
e d.
My body is
R
    I
       G
            I
               D.
My breaths
Rise up faster,
Now plumes of
Burning lava.

There are more
Voices, not just
Mine
And
It’s
Voices,
But a couple more
Disembodied
Voices.
I know them,
But I also don’t.
They’re all so
D I S S A P O I N T E D
In the failure
That I’ve become.

I’m panting.
Why can’t I scream?
Why am I choking?
Am I breathing too fast?
Breaths keep coming,
My heart keeps beating,
More
And more
And more
And

M
O
R
E

Then nothing.

—————S P A C E—————

My breathing slows
My heart at a standstill,
I don’t know what’s happening,
So I just lay there,
Thinking about how
I wanted
a new me,
But not a me
That was
So very ****** up.
I never specified that...
What has become of me?

Me questioning what the actual **** just happened 10-15 minutes ago. I’ve never heard more than one other voice in my head, or have ever felt like this in general. I have no idea what the **** that was.
Jan.1.2020

#silence #cold #darkness

41 · May 2020

Notepad 10

Ayn May 2020

Notepad 10

There was a time
That time was now.
Now is gone,
Only to replaced by then,
Along with countless regrets
That continue to plague.

41 · Feb 2020

Untitled

Ayn Feb 2020

Untitled

This duality
Of my vicariously divine
Mental principality
Divides an entire world
Between the realm
Of heaven and hell.
Opening a foreign door,
seeing no more

Does this even make sense?? It’s talkin’ about how a split mind splits a world. The divided principality (one mind of a nation or planet of minds, unified by humanity) gives a divided worldview.

41 · May 2020

Notepad 3

Ayn May 2020

Notepad 3

There once was a flame
that burnt all that came.

In it's charred wake
was left a world to take
full of renewed life
and eternal grace.

This unyielding force
never meant to ****;
it meant to rebuild,
and rebuild it did.

I need to write to wake myself up

41 · Feb 2020

Spectrum

Ayn Feb 2020

Spectrum

Of all the colors
My eyes could be,
They pick three
And a fourth... maybe.

The first is an odd one
A hazel generalization,
But upon close inspection,
They have a green outer edge
With a brown inner edge.

The second one
Appears from time to time,
They shine a forest green
But there’s no more to be seen.

The final shade
Is quite a mysterious phenomenon
For my head to wrap around.
I’ve seen in my eyes
On a few occasions
And they were a naval steel,
Nothing like I’ve seen
In the eyes of those
Bound to me by blood.

My eyes are weird, man. The main color is supposedly hazel, but it is two different colors in concentric circles (that blend a bit but not too much). The steel blue is a mystery to me though. It’s happened twice.

41 · Mar 2020

Rivers

Ayn Mar 2020

Rivers

The rivers are never too deep,
The chasms never too wide.
My bones are made of sinking lead,
Yet I hold myself with this broken pride,
Knowing that I’m on over my head.

I’m under the torrent,
Swept in the current.
Falling through a chasm,
Seeing death’s phantasm.

q

41 · Jan 2020

Sealed With Care

Ayn Jan 2020

Sealed With Care

The suppression
left an impression
on my healing heart.
A closing hole,
a dented body,
a golden reality.
Release has come,
so I'll carefully
push the envelope,
and watch it bend.

Bending the envelope is fine, but don't break it. After all, tampering with the mail is a federal crime ;). Jan.10.2020. Release isn't talking about any bad habits, just for me dancing around my room to music bc I be very happy.

41 · Jan 2020

There’s an art to it.

Ayn Jan 2020

There’s an art to it.

A silver tongue,
Or a golden one?
I tend to prefer
Them motionless.

“Sometimes the best thing to do for someone else is to shut the **** up”
-Me, said right now.

40 · Apr 2020

Tracks

Ayn Apr 2020

Tracks

Following the flow
Of the common track
The boy begins crack.
With eyes succinctly averted
And attention neglected,
fissures begin to grow.

A shout
A sprint
A line
Ran through.
A life
Forgotten.

A life
Renewed.

What is this thing called “self insert?”

40 · May 2020

rise

Ayn May 2020

rise

Leave me and go,
so I can watch the gentle flow.
The words I've spoken
left my mind shattered; broken.

You said you'd come
and, yes, you came.
Now let my melodic drops of memory
silently evaporate, beyond the flame.

It isn't. It can't. I won't let it be.

40 · May 2020

Tireless

Ayn May 2020

Tireless

The path is trying
And the cliff is yet to come.
Some days I will rest
Under the scorching sun.
Some days I will climb
Sweating through the morning mist.

Adrian being silly Adrian over here, writing a poem about catching all of the pokemon in a pokemon game. It is a pain, but the satisfaction will gratify it. I am so close.

40 · Jan 2020

Throne

Ayn Jan 2020

Throne

I sit in my throne of pride,
Saying I’ve got nothing to hide;
"An inhuman person, holding face,
One will never see his fall from grace."

The tension starts to strangle,
And my body I’ll continue to mangle;
"A hardworking soul, who’ll never tire,
Even as the bar raises higher and higher."

My love increases, yet I sit and wait.
It’s over my head, I’m starting to suffocate.
"Married to his work, he will not love.
He lies not in such concepts, but far above."

I don’t know what’s happening to me,
My life is continuing into uncertainty.
"He knows what to do, he’s set on a path,
His definite success will fill him a bath."

I don’t need attention, the problems are mine.
I won’t ever worry another, It will work out fine.
"For him, things will always go right.
He’s hand in hand with luck’s vast might."

Things always find a way...
"His present & future are rather gray..."

This is my actual self versus what I think people think of me (quotes). People oftentimes reinforce these thoughts, and I end up falling further into this cycle. In the second to last stanza, I am saying that it will be fine in a dying hope.

#depression

40 · Feb 2020

Steeled Nerves

Ayn Feb 2020

Steeled Nerves

I am to be
A hero of war.

I saw myself off,
Over that ocean so blue,
And into our frontiers.

Put into a battalion
That is none but death bound,
I wondered if I’d be
One more statistic
Adding to the millions.

A wiped battalion,
With me the sole survivor.
An ambush left me running
And now I’m lost.

I saw an enemy
Coming through the smoke.
I told her to stop,
But she kept her pace
So I dropped another human,
And added to the statistic.

As I went to examine
This defiantly death bound soldier,
I saw in her hand
A flag,
White as an ocean pearl.

But now it was dyed half red.

At home I had become a hero,
The patriot of the land of the free,
But I am not a patriot of any sort
Nor a man of vast bravery.

Life continues onwards,
But death always haunts.

Not very good but it was weird writing at 6am.

#war

40 · May 2020

Swift

Ayn May 2020

Swift

Those who start to hit the closest
Always seem to go
In the must abrupt manner,
And far too soon.

40 · Feb 2020

Sensitivity

Ayn Feb 2020

Sensitivity

The wind sneaks up on me,
And lightly caresses my body.
Hands so soft, yet so firm.

A kiss on the cheek,
And disappears once again,
Leaving me to wonder
If she ever missed me.

40 · Jan 2020

Mistaken

Ayn Jan 2020

Mistaken

The toxicity of your mind is evident,
Slipping into all your innocent dreams.
In your state of dormancy, it lies, prevalent.
If only you could hear your nightly screams...

How sad it is, too see you in this state.
Once you were the worlds sunshine,
But now you are nothing remotely that great;
You are the miserable shadow, left behind.

You call me a ‘******* *****,’ and ‘mistaken entity,’
But I know you far more that you could ever.
I will continue to ***** you over for an eternity,
Creating a turbulent storm out of your mind’s calm weather.

So **** my **** you depressed sonova *****,
Im in your head, controlling you like an elder litch.

hallelujah *******, it has been a while since I have ever written a poem with the sonnet rhyme scheme. All my poetry used to follow this or another similar rhyme scheme. Im sorry for ruining poetry with swears again.

40 · Apr 2020

Question

Ayn Apr 2020

Question

Why do they smile back
When they know my grin
Does not make it to my eyes?

Is it to mock
My pained eyes,
Which shouldn’t exist?

Or because...
They don’t notice;
And never bothered to look?

I’m glad they don’t bother to worry about me. Saves them time an emotion as well as saves me from excessive guilt.

39 · Feb 2020

Tectonic Motion

Ayn Feb 2020

Tectonic Motion

Sitting together,
Talking of whatever
would come to our minds.

The feeble whether,
A distant feather
Grew closer with each exchange.

Pulled by a tether,
Separated more than ever.
Now I know happiness,

I learned what it was
Only after I had lost it.

“You know it’s sad but truuuuee”
-from “Sad But True” by Metallica

39 · Jan 2020

Untitled

Ayn Jan 2020

Untitled

I would like to see
What would come to be
Of a moose and rabbit
Roaming free.

It is a rather stupid idea, you must think.
And i wholly agree
But where might the fun be,
If you cannot think freely?
I think of all, from the smallest flea
To the largest bee.
Or from the makeup of tar,
To the largest star.
It is fun to think,
That is what I decree.
But in real life,
The moose and rabbit would just flee

Sept.23.2019

39 · May 2020

Mother’s day

Ayn May 2020

Mother’s day

Dear mom,

We have an unspoken promise;
Not to make sacrificial altars
In the basement.
I kept that promise this year.
That’s my gift.

Next year though...

Is joke. I baked some sweets for my mom and gave a card saying something like this.

39 · Apr 2020

Untitled

Ayn Apr 2020

Untitled

The persistence
Of silence
Resides
Inside
A web of individuality.

39 · Feb 2020

Forgetting to remember

Ayn Feb 2020

Forgetting to remember

I just forgot her presence
Simple as that.
But when she shows herself
Into this world of mine
I can’t help but feel disgusted
At my stupidity.

All I did was shut her out.
I’m an *******.

#love

39 · Mar 2020

Words

Ayn Mar 2020

Words

Words needed by those in doubt
Are words gifted without drought.

39 · Jan 2020

Masochism + bloodlust

Ayn Jan 2020

Masochism + bloodlust

A browned, ******, and derelict oak door
That never should’ve been opened.

I promise I’m not mental.

39 · Feb 2020

Hands

Ayn Feb 2020

Hands

Tuesday, April 30th, 2019

A cold hand grasps my heart,
My emotions taken over.
The finger nails puncture like a dart.
I must’ve lost my four leaf clover

All that was left has been lost
I let out an unheard wail
Its thumb and fingers crossed
As it starts to drive in a nail

The pain makes me want to cry
But i must keep it all together
Even if I’m going to die
I will stay calm forever

But it’s all too late
My calm appearance leaves
I go insane, full of self hate
And drag a knife down my sleeves

When the deed is done,
My arms are bleeding, a smoking gun.
It leaves me in a state of despair,
Reminding me that it is always there.

This feeling comes whenever I’m weak.
It’s when I’m stressed or when I’m meek.
In the moment, i feel eased.
But my hunger is never to be appeased

I found this while looking through some files I had saved on my cloud. This was there and I was surprised to have found another poem saved from that time.

38 · May 2020

within

Ayn May 2020

within

inside little droplets
of silent memories
lies the key
to a world
long since deaf
to the radiating color.

38 · Mar 2020

New

Ayn Mar 2020

New

All I want to do
Is something new

Rather than stay inside
And gaze out at the tide.

38 · Mar 2020

Place

Ayn Mar 2020

Place

Nausea shot through a syringe,
Filling me with surreal senses.
I must not stop,
I must not shudder,
I will not pause,
I will not falter.
There is no place
For a burden,
No space
For dead weight.

I am not a burden,
So
“I feel fine.”

My view on work is like this. I’m working my *** off and I can’t stop. If I’m lying in bed, sick, I’m a burden. I don’t have time for that. Hell I could have Covid-19 right now (In all seriousness, I probably do) and I’m still refusing to take a break.

38 · Mar 2020

Texas Red

Ayn Mar 2020

Texas Red

“Twenty men had tried to take him,
Twenty men had made a slip.
Twenty-one would be the ranger
With a big iron on his hip”

From the song “Big Iron” by Marty Robbins

An awesome song, I highly suggest listening to it.

38 · Jan 2020

Mine

Ayn Jan 2020

Mine

Possession:
To have something.

Unique:
One of a kind.

Something that is
Mine:
A unique possession.

Why can’t I say that
A N Y T H I N G
Of
E V E R Y T H I N G
Is mine?

Am I just a
Stolen existence?

Stolen:
To take without
prior permission.

Nothing stolen
Is ever truly mine,
So I am, without doubt,
A stolen personality,
Nothing more.

In this case, a possession is something like a personality or a skill. My personality is entirely bits I’ve stolen from others. I can’t call that mine.

38 · Apr 2020

Vermillion

Ayn Apr 2020

Vermillion

As the dust and sand
Sweeps up into a cyclone,
The air cracks up
Like a dried out salt flat.

The clouds run dark,
And the crops bend down.
An invisible roar appears,
Rushing this dry landscape
And catching it unawares.

Branches and brambles fly,
But there’s no water here;
Not enough for the sky to cry.

The landscape sits,
A dusted vermillion;
Cracked any dry
With skin so reptilian.

38 · Jan 2020

Worldly Crystals

Ayn Jan 2020

Worldly Crystals

The jade grass,
Sapphire ocean,
Amber marshes
And topaz beaches.
All of this is outside,
Right past my door,
I’d go, but to the world...
I’m a bore.

I mean I am probably a rather boring person. But **** the people who think that. I might be happy with my life so it’s ok. Haha 100 in a month... ******* I write too much...