It was the very first date I had been on since my divorce.
If I am being honest, this first date happened while I still lived with my ex and we were not yet divorced.
I made sure to really try and put myself together for once.
I got my hair done, wore high-heels, low-cut shirt, my tightest skinny jeans.
I got to your house too early because my ******* GPS said it would take an hour when it only took 30 minutes.
I hug you and the smell of you makes me feel like home, which is both exhilarating and odd in the weirdest sense.
I brought you your favorite candy because I am a ******* psychopath who cares too much.
You smile and thank me.
You hop in the shower and I sit in your room, admiring all of your collections, your well-made bed.
Your room smells of *** and cologne and it makes me want to crawl in your bed and sleep for days.

Once you’re done, you take me to dinner. We order food we both end up hating but laugh because we are both too friendly to tell the waitress it tastes like ****.
You ******* drink, I taste yours.
You talk all night and even though that would normally bother me, you exude a confidence and sexuality that I have never encountered.
I’ve never slept with someone on the first date before and all I can think about is your smile and that if you ask me to go home with you, I will say yes.
You take me to the water and we sit on a bench for hours just talking and laughing.
It’s cold and I am shivering but all I want to do is kiss your sweet mouth.
It’s 3 am and you stand up.
I shudder.
I have been kissing the same man for so long that I am not sure I will know how to handle what happens next.
You hold your hands out and pull me up and I almost fall because I am wearing heels and my legs are frozen.
You pull me close and grab my face.
That kiss.
Your mouth was hot and your hands were cold and in the moment you kissed me, I immediately forgot about all the pain I had been in previously.
We walk back to your car and you take me to your house. On the front porch, I smoke a cigarette, while you smoke a blunt. I grab your shirt and pull you in to kiss me. Everything feels right. Everything feels safe. We go inside, and my knees shake. You lay on the bed and you look exhausted-not to mention that you have work in 5 hours. I tell you that I have to leave and you ask me if I want to stay.

I am falling
     Nervous
      Anxious
        Scared
          Happy


Who knew the human body could feel all characteristics at once?
I want to tell you.
Soon.

-My emotions

I remember the way I felt when your hand grabbed mine.
You pulled me through the crowd
The lights shining bright and the smoke billowing low
“Let’s whisper...” he says
The city is quiet and in the silence, I can feel my heart pounding through my chest
Will I ever see you again?
A stranger who knows all my vulnerabilities and, yet I feel secure and safe.
You kiss my lips and I lose my breath, feeling as if I am drowning, in the best way possible,
I pull you in tight, sensations I never knew were even plausible again, pumping through my veins.
Happiness to be in your embrace, immense sadness knowing we must say goodbye
Over 1,000 miles away-yet, I will walk every mile if in the end, it leads me to you
A connection…
I am falling in love
I am in love with you
Do you feel the same?

It stings like an open cut
When you say…
“I’m not sure I will ever date again…”
Do you hear the pain in my voice
As I mask my laugh and shy away from the conversation?
I hold my breath in hopes you’ll notice that I am
Head
Over
Heels
For you.
I am crazy. I am insane.
I exhale.
I told you I quit smoking and when I do so,
You ask me if I am smoking again.
I tell you that my anxiety makes me breathe off the beaten path.
When, I want to tell you that I have this clutching fear that you’ll leave.

Every night, I look up at the moon and the stars and I pray to the universe that you are too. In this moment, while looking at the same night sky, the distance between you and I doesn’t seem too far.












Distance

I walk onto the dark balcony and feel the warm Florida air hug me like an old friend. I creep over to the edge and look down. Fear sets in. It’s late. But I text my best guy friend back home and ask him if he thinks I’ll die from four stories up if I decide to jump. Without missing a beat he writes back and says I may survive the fall. With that information in tow, I sit back in my Tommy Bahama beach chair and **** my self slowly, by lighting a Marlboro Light.

Let go of control.
*******. At this exact moment. I just become utterly scared of starting over with someone new and the fact you won't be near me anymore.

Ugh. I'm feeling super emotional and vulnerable today. I don't know why but I'm on the edge of tears. I want to cry so badly but I'm trying to hold my **** together right now. I can't pinpoint as to why I feel this way. I think I'm just sad. About money. About my broken relationship. About work. I'm not ready to date anyone. I need to take it slow. Going out with someone makes me want to throw up and not the good kind.

My horoscope says if I don't pursue this, I'll always wonder what if? And I would rather go into this full force and get hurt then sit at home and be like, ****. What if?

I feel like I'm running in circles. I think I need to let this thing fade away slowly. I think I'm grasping at thin straws right now. I hate being the only one who takes the initiative and makes the effort. I understand he wants to go slow but I'd like him to do something. I don't know. I'm trying to follow with my heart and emotion and that is proving to be hard. I just wish I knew where I stood. I am not going to text him first this week and I will see if he makes plans to see me. Just seems like he is too busy and I might be making it too easy for him. I just don't like playing games. If I want to text you, then I'm going to text you. But I guess I have to resort to being a ******* child because of that. Just *****.

I just feel so sad. I'm sitting in my car cryin after work. It's storming. He wants to come up to Jacksonville and I want to say yes. But I know it's wrong. I just want the comfort of having someone near me to touch me. I feel so alone. I miss my family but I don't want to talk to them because I just feel like a disappointment. I heard some ******* the phone tell the other person she loves them. I just want to be ok. I want to feel ok. I want to stop crying. I want to feel normal. I don't want to be tired. I don't know when I'm supposed to be done healing.

I want to make love. Be sensual. Kiss. Be held. Hugged. Touched. Smoke. Drink. Eat. I want to pass by strangers I'll never see again. Look into eyes that get me. Understand my darkness. Understand my soul. I want to close my eyes. And in that little moment, feel happiness. I'll try to hold onto it until it escapes. I'll grasp it so tight. I want to be wanted. Safe. Comfort. Home. Comfortable silence. Steal glances. Maybe a touch. And if we kiss, I'll hold on to it. I'll embrace it. I'll let every cell of my being and fiber soak it in like a sponge. And I'll kiss him back. Grab him. Pull him close. Because he has successfully penetrated my mind. He carries an immense sadness and so do I. We aren't forever and most likely won't be. If we make love, I'll look at him, like I've never looked at anyone before. I'll kiss his neck. Touch him everywhere. I'll make him believe this is the first time. Because I want to. I won't fake it. When I see him for the first time, I'll hug him so tight. I'm ready universe. I'm ready to get hurt again. I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. I feel sick. It's an all too familiar feeling that I felt months ago. But that's romance right? You keep trying in hopes the next time is different.

Are you ok?

Well **** me. That’s a loaded question.

You kiss me for the first time
And it’s in this moment
I know we will never become anything
More.

You are so broken and so am I.
You don’t know what you want
But you want to fall asleep next to me
Tonight

You tell me that you wish you could be
Anything that I want you to be
That’s not how love works
Unfortunately

You compliment me all the time
You know my body so well
That I wish you could occupy my mind like
That

I’m sorry you’re so lost sweet boy
You have a mind of running demons
With a tight mouth that won’t speak
Up

I tried to save you and I tried to heal you
But where were you when I needed you?
Again, I am a one way street holding up other
People

Maybe we met at the wrong time
Maybe we can come together down the road
Maybe you just can’t commit to
Me.

He walked me to my car in the early morning and hugged me. Still in his arms, I told him that I was going to miss him. Instead of reciprocating that response, he complimented my German bumper stickers. Rejection. After that moment, I never said it again.




learning the games you play

Time will tell. I need to focus on me and myself and get my mind right, all over again. It’s ok. I’m used to doing it by now. My teeth are rotting.

Red flags:
Flirtatious
Open to an open relationship
Not good alone not good in relationships
Casual
Short temper

I can’t say sorry to your face, so I write it in a poem.
I’m sorry.

To hug someone. To fall into an abyss of not caring about what happens for a few days. To laugh. To get deep. To grow. To expand my horizons. To follow my desires. To skip logic. Ignore my brain. I want to fall in a deep love that I don't even know I'm in love until I think about it and then I'm like ****. There it is.

I'm sad and lonely. I miss home. I'm a miserable mess.

Homesick.

I'm drunk as ****. He looked at my Instagram story as soon as I was thinking of him. I liked his ****** photo. **** I miss him so much. I want to text him that I miss him. Why?

I'll regret it. So I won't

It's almost been a month since I've seen him. Three weeks since we have texted. Why do I still miss this man?

****. I'm still In love.
Lust.

I'm drunk.

Milk
Salad
Tomatoes
Bananas
Ground beef
Carrots
Cereal
Pop tarts
Yogurt
Fruit on sale
A new heart

I take hot baths every night. I make the water as hot as it gets and yet, it still isn’t hot enough to singe away the pain from the day. I soak for over an hour in hopes that when I dry off, I’ll be a new woman.

I’m walking down the long and lonely hallway to my apartment door.
Every time I turn the corner, I wish you’d be standing there.
I imagine in my head running towards you with tears down my face and kissing you. So happy to have you here.
But I know that’ll never happen.
On the phone last night you mentioned how you and I will never see each other again.
Ever.
I fake a smile and laugh because I know you’re right.
The unfortunate thing about my mind is I’m a daydreamer and you’re a realist. My head is always up in the clouds and you bring me down to earth. I don’t want to believe it but maybe you’re right.
Is it so crazy for me to admit I’m falling in love?
Although I think it’s normal, my friends call me insane and I’m starting to think you think it’s insane as well.
I don’t want to meet someone else. I don’t want to meet someone who I will always try to compare to you. I don’t want to meet someone who won’t try to get to know me like you did.
If I do, I’ll close my eyes while he kisses me and I’ll be hoping that when I open my eyes, it’s you I see.
I am only fooling myself.
I am a firm believer that the universe sends people into your life for a reason.

Don’t be sad, he says, I’m not trying to make you sad.
I like talking to you.
Maybe for now, this is as good as it gets,

I remember when seeing your name pop upon my phone made my heart flutter. I couldn’t wait to open your text but delayed the process so the excitement would build. Now I see your name when you view my Snapchat story and all I feel is sadness.

All day long exhaustion plagues my body
I dream of my bed during the morning hours-when the sun kisses my eyelids
But when nighttime finally rolls around, the only thing that falls are tears from my eyes
I’ll never get used to sleeping alone
I’m trying to get used to being alone
And all I want to do is pick up the phone
Tell you I miss you and I’m sorry
For what? Yeah I don’t know
It wasn’t my fault that this ended, it was yours
Yet I’m willing to put the past in the past and come on baby, let’s try to make this last
I just want a warm body next to me

All I long for
Is to snuggle in the crook of your neck
Smell your skin
Hear your heart beat, like it’s beating for me
I try to pretend that you won’t leave, when you will
You can’t love me because you’re broken
I’m very used to being a stepping stone for men
The sweet girl who will listen to all of their problems and then when they are healed,
Meet the new girl who they will inevitably fall in love with
But the saddest thing is I don’t know to stop myself
I care too much. I got that feature from my father.
I don’t want to become cold hearted and icy
I want to help people around me
Hopefully one day, I will meet a man who wants to grow along with me
Until then, I will remain alone and broken hearted.

I’ll never waste another wish on a shooting star or 11:11 for you
Ever
Again.

Isn’t it funny how odd we can be?
As humans, we want to close our souls
like curtains on a window.
Only to show our true selves
in the hollows of the night
enclosed in our safety net.

Isn’t it funny how people will walk away?
Because they say you are too much
and you believe them.
You build this brick wall of defense
trying not to crack a smile
Because you rather someone love you
Than not at all.

You are a beautiful star
glowing in the ever-infinite galaxy.
Let your light shine, my sweet girl
because how dare someone love you
For only the normal parts.

You are a unique snowflake
Dance in the afterglow.

All the men,
they call me beautiful.
In their minds,
they think they are doing me a service.
I wish they knew,
that I wish to be called something more.
Penetrate my mind and my soul
and then I will let you penetrate my body.
I am simple.


-Don’t call me beautiful