To my boyfriend,

I was alone and feeling sick and stressed.
I thought I would handle this all by myself, alone again.
wouldn't even consider that you would care.
I was afraid I didn't have the energy to be my old self.
and you would be mad and sick of me too.

but I was wrong.
you hug me with your eyes closed.
you are here, with me
even in my last hope
accept me in all of my forms

and I wish the word love could capture my feelings
but it is not
feeling alone was what I thought it is
but I was wrong
you are even half of what I imagine
and for that, I will love you forever

Seeing others happy makes me happy because it is something I cannot achieve for myself.

Everyone’s life seems perfect around her
They say she helps them
They’re happy and they’re grateful

Everything became perfect since she came
Their wish is in the angel
She looks like she could save everyone’s day
Or that’s just what they’re thinking

But the angel’s life is not as happy as them
No one ever came to save her
She can’t even save herself
And nobody would realize the sadness
When they’re at the peak of their triumph

It's better to think
other can't see us
can't see how we feel
then knowing they see us
but never ask
what's wrong

I wish i could tell you that this relationship won't work out
I wish i could tell you to stop wasting your time if you're looking for a future spouse
I wish i could tell you that you're childish
And I can't seem to see the future in us.

But I couldn't
Because I don't want to be alone
And I don't have anyone else but you
I really want to see you growing up and be happy
Because I love you so much you won't understand.

I help him do all his work but he never help me get through my depression.

I've never want to wake up everyday
And find out that I am still alive
I've never dreaming for another day
Or inhale another air

Not until I meet you
All I wish, all I hope
Is to meet you
And hug you
And it requires me to stay alive

I've never want to wake up everyday
And find out that i'm still alive
I've never dreaming for another day
Or inhale another air

Not until I meet you
All I wish, all I hope
Is to meet you
And hug you
And it requires me to stay alive

I wish there will be a day when I stop crying for myself
I wish I could stop hiding holocaust that happens inside my head
when I'm with my loved ones

I wish I'll love myself
as much as I love others

Meeting you is always make me sad. There is something about you that makes me sad and i am really unlucky to not knowing what it is. Maybe its about how you perceive me, or about how you look at me.
I thought relationship is about trust, respect, and love. I know you love me, but i also need your trust and respect.
It is my fault to make you think about me that way. I thought if make you see me the way i wanted you to see me, it'll protect me. But i was wrong. It slowly distroy me through you.
I know i wasn't supposed to love anybody. And be loved by anybody. I thought i deserve that. But once again, i was wrong. I should've let myself dissolve into the air that everyone sip.

I realize
Those smoke and ash doesn't make feel any better
It's just the fact
That i hurt myself
Without stracthing my knife into my skin
That made me love it

The need for certainty
Is the only thing that i seek

Am i in love with you?
Or just the idea of you?

Do I really need someone to be by my side
Or just someone to reminds me that i'm worth something?

But then I realized that it’s not tears of regret or loss
It’s the tears because (s)he didn’t love me enough to just stay
And didn’t even feel the way I do
It’s just unrequited love

Setahun yang lalu kupikir kita akan bersama
Menjadi satu persahabatan yang tak terkalahkan
Walaupun jalanmu berbeda
Aku tetap mengikuti dengan senyuman
Berharap kita memang untuk selamanya

Dua tahun yang lalu aku masih rabun
Berjalan tanpa suara
Berhenti hanya untuk menangis
Tanpa istirahat, terus saja
Menyalahi diri sendiri

Tiga tahun yang lalu aku sendiri
Meluapkan amarah
Dan mau menangnya sendiri
Masih buta akan siapa yang salah
Masih berdarah luka di hati ini

Dari semua jalan yang kutempuh
Kehilangan seperti mati
Tanpa rasa tanpa cahaya
Kemarin tersenyum sekarang bisu
Kemarin bersama sekarang sendiri

Apakah adakah
sedikit saja di pikiranmu
keinginan untuk memelukku,
sebelum kau pergi?

This is what happens
In nothing hill
Where you're ******* with burning chains
And let the fear tear up your bravery

Lonely
Will only be your lover
It holds you and hurts your soul

And while you get locked up
By the pressure up on your chest
The only sword that you had
Begins to chase you
        
And that's what happens
With the people in nothing hill
So don't believe them when they smile
They're just killing themselves

It's not the death that i'm scared of
It's the feeling of nothing
where i can't find my words
To tell people, nor myself
About who i am
Or what I want
And i'm stuck in the life of choosing
Whether I should be my own pride
Or someone else expectation

I can't be myself
When people can't accept me for who i am
When my hestitation have drown my thoughts
And i'm drowning in it

My mom once told me
That her home is mine too
But after months and years
I know that it’s not true

I once read that home doesn't mean a place
It could be someone or maybe a thing
But even though i have hope about it
I know that today is not the day that i will find

I try to feel home until i get numb
And when i feel numb i start to think
That numb is a place
So after months and years
I accept that as a home



*numb doesn't hurt me anyway

It must be hard for you      

To heal all my wounds        

And cut it again.

What should I do
if the only thing that I remember about him
is only the love that I have for him

Singing sad songs with tears in my eyes again
Because you couldn't let me try to make you stay
And I miss you since the day you went away

Those flowers and love won't worth anything
because it wasn't from you

*You know I love you
You always know I love you

You are my first, third, fourth  love
Wish it would last
Know it won't be forever

It's okay
I'm as hurt as you
But the thing is
People hurt you
And I know you will find a way
To breathe even though it isn't easy



But for me,
No one hurts me
But my mind is killing me slowly
And i'm dying inside
And I can't find my way out

I wonder what it feels like to be truly happy

I couldn't cry my heart out.  But it's not because my life's *****. It just me without any heart

You can't call it "home" if there's nothing that will wait for you to come back

Why people keep making the deference
without accepting the them  


And they begging for equalization?

When you stop caring about people
They will forget you

Cause my ignorance has became my best friend
Now the breath that I take
And the sound of my heart
Is the only song I hear
In my life

People keep saying
"It's better to write than think about it"
But I can't

I cannot write
That chaos thing in my head
I just can't

And sadly
Not a single word came out of my mouth
I can't release all this depressed things
So it still
Stays on my mind

Dear god
I’m sorry to disturb you
And i’m sorry to stop saying your name
Every time i want to sleep
But i see this world starting to get crazy
And i don’t see any help from your hand

Dear god
I see my friends cry every night
Because her disease never be cured
And why you gave it to her?
You gave  the strength in people
Then why you let it faded away?

I’m sorry
I’m not a saint, or apostle
And i’m too young to understand this world
But i know i’m not the only one who’s crazy in here
So help us before our bodies are full of sins
And the monsters crawling to our fragile bodies

Well I think you forget me
again

But it's alright my dear
Because I think it's time for me to forget you *too

how it could be
blaming the world
for your own sadness?

I missed my friend
wait, do I have A friend?

why I couldn't never be enough
for everything
of anything

those flowers
love, smile
I couldn't see them
all I see just tears
and hate

My mouth was shut  
I can't even scream
Or tell you how i feel

Oh god,
Please help me
This tape
Is trying to **** me

you can't
make me leave



*cause I do love you

before you leave me, you once loved me
before you as far as the sun, you once as close as the air.

things change, and friends leave
life doesn't stop for anybody.

Some people aren't supposed to be loved by other people. They only need love that important for them. Anything else, only other **** that you could find in street.

CAUSE YOU NEVER ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM
SO I CHEAT ON THE TRUTH
SPREAD LIES IN EVERY TRUTH

help me
i'm sink in the river
the river of hope
can't breath, dying alone

help me
i need love
i'm sick of pain
tired of crying

leave me
if you doesn't love me
i'm better off alone
than live with blindness

it's okay if you only talk to me when you need me. broken heart or forgotten wasn't the new thing for me

nothing could be worst than alone
another sad things
from hollow heart

find yourself waiting for someone
even though
it will never happened

I often think about death. A lot people scared about death. but a few of people trying and wishing to die. I wonder how it feels like to die, is that good? or is it the best escape from all of this life?
but I thought death won't realize anything. I live in death, it's not good. it's *****. alone. small. invisible. and you were nothing but a small memories. no love. no glory. no victory. you were still alone, and no one listen to you.
so I guess death doesn't release you from anything. and death doesn't mean your heart have to stop beating. we life to fight ourselves and the whole world, and when we lose, there's always a way to come back to life.

Do you remember?
First time we met?
I was so numb
And you were so alone

But when I see you
I see something
That storm became sunshine
And I could see again

You told me I’m too good to be true
And I told you you’re my star
And we can walk in the air
The beach beneath us
Under the sunshine

I hope there is no end in this highway
And I hope there’s no sunset
‘cause if there is
It won’t be