sometimes i wonder if i’m doing this right
or if everyone else is just pretending that i am.

Dear Self,
You aren’t too kind to yourself,
You always feel like a hologram of skin and bones, a wasted soul.
Your mind runs ninety-nine miles per hour, yet you’re seated in place.
You’re locked in place, fighting off that weather of weapons, all on your own.
You smoke those cancer sticks, and BAM!
All your stress seems to flow away, like a rushing river across the land.
You stay up all night, you insomniac, you night owl, you can’t even bring yourself to get up in the mornings to slave away under those fat cats on top of society.
I hope one day, you can find the courage to go back to being a motor mouth.
I hope one day, you’ll go back to being that talented show stopper.
I hope that one day.
You’ll stop being such a dust kicker and get back on your feet.
Just know that every chapter comes to an end, but at least we’ve anticipated this one against all the other endings we have yet to face

sometimes i wonder.

did it hurt when you left?
did it hurt when you said all of those things?
did you really mean it?

sometimes i wonder...

the late nights that i have pushed through trying to understand,
how was it so easy for you?
you moved on without a problem, a year and five months gone...

why is it i still miss you when you don't even seem to notice me.
i'm invisible, a ghost, another blurred face in your peripheral vision.

but like you once said,
the seasons will continue to change, the sun will still set, the world will still turn...

how was it so easy for you when anytime i saw you, my stomach would churn?
how was it so non-chalant when i couldn't even stop myself from crying when you walked by?

a year and five months, gone.

sometimes i still listen to our song.
a forgotten memory in the back of your memory, i'm sure...

time has passed and now we're just a blur.

see, i thought it was no strings attached.

i first noticed by your protective words and intoxicating eyes.

i tried to not let it show,

i tried to not let you know,

but like any fool...

i fell for you and i didn't mean to.

his voice has always had this reassurance to it.

not the kind of reassurance you'd get from a friend, parent or sibling.

it's the reassurance that you hang on to.

the kind you'd think about five years from now.

the kind that keeps you up at night from the butterflies his words created.

it's reassuring.

and it's all i need, all that anyone really needs.

life would be simpler if we could all understand that.

You're 1,700 miles away from me.

You expect me to stay when you don't even try.

I always feel like I'm on the verge of going under, like the waves in the sea.

Your love is intoxicating, addicting... you're a drug.

You're the nicotine in my cigarettes, the blood that keeps my heart pumping.

I'm unsure how to proceed, I'm scared even...

I wish we could just go back to the way it used to be.

Benjamin...
god that name...
runs through my head all day until I fall asleep and I get to see you in my dreams...
floating through the cosmos...
I don’t know...
just the way we’re alone...
nothing between us....
stardust on your fingertips...
intertwining your fingers...
so close to me...
feels so real...
the way your heartbeat sounds in the dead of space...
the way your warm breath hits my neck...
in the chilling cold of the cosmos...
just... the way you’re there...
feels so real...
we’re so close...
I wake up and...
there it is again... that name...
Benjamin...
I helped chose Atlas as your middle name because an Atlas is a type of map...
and I knew if I ever got lost...
you’d help me find my way....
pull me out of the deep space and back into the galaxy...
vibrant and bright...
you made my black and white perspective bring color in my life...
so amazing... that it makes me... contemplate...