The rain pours heavily
Drowning out all sound
Except your heartbeat
In my memories.

I'm scared to death of what comes next
But maybe it's not about how I feel.

There is love in
my shadows
Tucked away,
In my dusky soul.
Resplendent
In its legend.
Written in
another
Tongue.
It's there.
Among the Ruins.

It's been a year,
Since you left
Time's supposed to heal
But it hasn't touched
me yet.
Everything is the same
Tho the world
Has changed.
All the days are
numbered, and
I still feel strange,
Without your hand
                your voice.
I'm sick of love
I'm sick of choice,
I'm sick of always feeling this way.
Every single ******* day.
It's been so long,
It's been a year.
Despite the odds —
I'm still here.

There is nothing left,
No love
No joy
No hope.
I want to let go,
escape
this debt
That must be paid
Without regret.
I cannot endure
This daily
Punishment.
I cannot feel
This way again.
I'm losing myself
To endless pain.

Today my mother asked me if I was depressed. She proceeded to explain to me that she was worried because I never left my room and I just looked sad all the time. As she was explaining to me her reasoning, I thought about the way I've been feeling. How it felt as if everyday I was walking on quicksand. How it was getting harder and harder for me not to cry. How I would be constantly fighting an internal battle.
"Stay in bed, darling. Stay in bed."
"No I can't I have school today"
"Don't eat that. You're not worthy enough to eat"
"But I'm hungry I haven't eaten in 6 hours"
"Don't call your friends they don't care and they all hate you anyways"
"But I'm lonely"
I am constantly screaming at myself.
I am constantly fighting a battle that I feel hopeless in.
It's getting harder and harder to breathe everyday and it *****.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Pretending has become a habit of mine.
I don't enjoy lying to myself and others.
Every once in a while I tend to break into my parents liquor drawer because I like the feeling I get when I sip *****.
It makes me feel light and airy, and for just a couple of hours, it makes me forget how much I hate myself.
I don't feel time passing by anymore.
I don't know the difference between night and day because everything is just a big blur.
I've lost all feelings and emotions except sadness.
"Are you depressed?" My mother asks me.
"No."

*(b.c.)