I go out

Most nights

They consist of slushes and candy and sweet night time kisses

Most nights it’s dark and I remember to put things back

Not last night

Unlike most nights I forgot

I forgot to pick up and be quite.



Now my most nights will be no nights..

And my sweet kisses will be a wet pillow full of sadness

I'd love to be loved

The thought of someone keeping me smiling or holding hands and the small jokes

I love the thought of being in love

The thought of how things would be or could be

If I wasn't so scared to take a leap of faith than these
                Thoughts
Wouldn't be just
                        Empty actions

I'm awake
Wide awake at 12 in the morning
Ready for my eyes to be heavy with sleep, but instead my eyes are heavy with tears

While my family is sleeping in the bed next to mine

I lay still and empty of life as not to wake them at 12 in the morning, when the world itself is not even up yet

I can't write

The words used to spill out of my head like a waterfall but now I feel like there's a wall

A wall that blocks my brain from putting symbols together to form a word or even a sentence

The sentences on my paper must be invisible I can't see them

I don't know where they went

They meaning the words I used to write or say but now can't even think

I can't write

the poems run deep just like the sadness
i wait for the time to come when it fades
when the poems are no loner deep or lonely
but sweet and full of honey words.

i want to let go drop this
forget poems, maybe the world and how it spins to.

but i hold on even if i get lost,
one day my poems will be full of heart again

one day the sun will rise up and ill write about how beautiful the sky is and how the birds chirping on the way t school are lovely and sing a different tune.

one day ill wake up from this nightmare,
one day things will be better



one day i will be myself again

It's hard
Hard to see past the lies you told me that are still stuck in my head even when your fake presents of the "love" you had for me has left.

Part of me hopes it would have died by now

But it hasn't.

I remember when you fell asleep on my lap and how we used to be before you moved on to someone new
   Better
       Pretty
           Fun for you

It's okay though,
I shouldn't have been so close to someone I knew could break my heart

People on the streets say pretty
   Cute
         Lovely

But the people on the streets are not friends

So when I say lonely
    Gross
       Falling apart
    
They don't understand because they are just

  
           People on the street