Dying under my sins.
Dead already.
My destiny was to suffer and die.

But you had other plans.
You sent, you...sent your only Son, to die for me?
Lord, why would you die for someone like me?
When i already wronged you.
When i hated you.
When i ignored your whispers and pushes and pulls of your eternal never-changing love.

You allowed the rocks to press on me, crush me.
But you allowed your son to be burdened with my stones and needles.
You allowed the nails to pierce through your Son.
and it wasn't even yours to carry.
it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your nails, it wasn't your stones and mountains to carry.

O, Father. You are so amazing and beautiful.
Your love has no end.
Your grace carried me so far.
You want to spend time with little old me.
You still believe me.
Lord, your mercy and grace pull me into a galaxy of stars and into the peaceful depths of the Sea.

O Bearer of my Sins. You have given your life so that i could have mine.  You suffered that day so that i don't have to do so for an eternity.
Your faith in your Father is steadfast, unshakable.
You love me so much.
Lord, you hugged me and held me close when the lightning struck and the raindrops broke windows when thunder knocked down trees and left me bare.
You didn't regret your decision. To die on that cross for me.

O Holy Spirit, you preserve my soul, you remind me of the Father's love. You inspire and set me on fire for God.
You guide and lead me.
You remind me of who I am.

O Holy Spirit, Father, and Son. You are One.

trying to put, chemicals on our faces.
trying to put dead things into the living.
trying to look pretty by being dead.
by being fake...

it's true, isn't it?
the world is starting to love the lies. And hate the truth.
bowing down to idols that didn't exist.
trying to put something meant to be last.
looks are above the beauty within. is it?

this world.
they love the things, the very things destroying them.
being kings and queens of material things, is that who we are now?
of things that won't last but a kingdom of things.
things in the line of being burnt up when the last days come.
and only then would they say:

"what have i done with my lives."

and i could imagine them trying to cover it up with half-truths.
yet until then, people won't repent.
stubborn. they don't know the love within them.






"get your hands of devil." "of my people" "get your hands off my family and friends." "you already lost."

Marble walls tainted blue, crying tears of rain.
Marble sculpture crying rains and years of pain.
Wasn't shattered because I was made too hard by the pain.

Shattered. Finally broken apart.
Freed. Finally knocked down the bars of iron and cards.
Not confused anymore.
Through the shattered glass I can finally see more.

What was once a fogged view, what was once a mirage of what's true. It's mine. Finally mine.

My heart rejoiced.
My soul raises high it's voice, it's praises to the one true King.
No longer a melancholy song sang, but now a song lost.
I look forward to that day. Where I am with you God. Save me from this world, this body.
Break me and build me up.

Marble walls tainted blue, no longer there, just me and you.

Demons lurking in the light of day, as well as the dead of night.
Demons living in souls, eating them inside out.
Controlling minds of life to spew out death.
Glitching with the my spiritual eyes opened. They glitch and I see the talking, blinking, singing skills of theirs. The words they spoke walked up in the air in smoke.
Their doom be laid bare in front of them.
The coins and notes they use are like marks on their hands and foreheads too.
When the mark comes. They won't hesitate to take the opportunity to go to hell to their father of lies.
They get puffed up with the smokes and piles of soot and ashes that would soon be burned. Piled up high. Their punishments piled up high.
Their names not written in the book of Life.
Thinking that the father of lies didn't lie that they would be happy and content and satisfied if they just bow down to him...just one time.
Lord, you have shown me how dark the world is.
Lead me into your light.
Save us.

Mouth. Voice. Hesitant. Flesh vs Spirit.
Fear vs Love.
If only I could stop letting the lizard step on the plans God has for me.
If only he could stop conducting the ochestra in my head. To play the music he wants to hear.
Help me see past the nice wrapped empty boxes. What if the cardboard boxes out of view kept bars of silver, marble and gold. Or something even better.
If only I could stop riding on marble waves, and drown in deep. To have been surrounded by your Love. Mercy. Grace.
Maybe I don't know the plans, but you showed me pieces, cassate tapes, videos of what your plan is for me.
Show me more.
Show me pictures of your majesty.
Movies of what is a Godly family.
Help me get past this.
Open up my heart.
Force open it.
I want to give you the keys. You know my secrets, my dreams.
You take care of me in my sleep...
Lord, my family, my friends.
Help me with my insecurities...

its not that i hate or hated you.
its not that i didn't loved you or the other way round.
its not that you hated me.
not even because you hated me for no reason.
its not that you disappointed me.

its about me disappointing you.
the fear the weight.
its about me being weak, not being strong enough.
its about me saying "I am not stupid." Because somewhere, deed inside, says that I am.

But you said it about you.
it was and would always be how powerful you are.
it was and would always be how mighty you are.
of how you are the creator.
about how the rock was Jesus.
about how i can hold onto the miracles and things you did for me, but trust in you and speak to that rock. that i may enter into your promise for me.

it didnt  matter how weak i was. or how i think i am weak.
it didnt matter if i was gonna disappoint you or not.
it was about you not about me.

afraid to ruffle your feathers, i avoid your waves.
i lie so that you won't be annoyed, "the usual."
am i your servant that i should be afraid? That i should be...pleasing you?

ashamed of my life.
ashamed of something, someone that gave me life.
i shouldn't be ashamed of saying "God."
i shouldn't be ashamed of hesitant to say "Lord"

i am not gonna say sorry.
i am not gonna say sorry for something i did right.
so please.
listen to me.
thank you for listening to my mess.
but.
hear me out on this.
please.

i dont want to be part of this.
i dont want to be part of the destruction of myself.
i dont want to be one of them.
i dont want to be me.
i want to be him.

Happy. I am fine.
But there is this part of me that isn't.
That is still broken inside out...
This burden I have.
Stones of smoke laid in my heart.
I try plucking them out myself...didn't work.
I am dying while living.
Sad while happy.
Broken....while healed.
I cast my burdens to you, Lord.
You asked me to.
You want me to.
You would not let me slip and fall.
You never rest.
Thank you.
As I lay...helplessly helped.

Me-

Did I smile?
Did i laugh without tears, did I shout, and screamed with no fear,
Did I dance? Did I pretend I am okay?
I am forgetful sometimes, so please remind me of my pain....

God-
Did you miss me?
Did you see me in the stars,
Did you see me, as  I looked on the other side of the road, past the cars.
Did you see me, smiling from the moon, did you see me, warming you up at noon?
Did you see me, in between the leaves, did you see me as I danced while you're asleep....
Did you see me, as I shut your eyes.
Did you see me, as I kissed you from up high...as I sang a lullaby...