May 2017
I hurt you because I was afraid that you would hurt me first
And in turn I was left empty recollecting on broken fragments
Of my past that led me to where I am now, I am unsure how
I got to be the kind of person that seeks validation in the form of
Communication in the form of talking without listening but hoping
Someone is listening when I talk it sounds like ghosts singing but
They do not know the words to the songs they are trying to sing
And the thing that struck me the most about the way I handled
You and I was that I thought I had finally had it right and I thought
“Thank god I finally got it right this time because I got sick of standing
Over the bathroom sink trying to get in one full breath without guilt
From former lovers forcing its weight on my chest” and you said I was
The best thing that you had had in years and I wonder what you had
Before the worst because my best was in my teenage years and you
Never liked to hear about it because I was always going on about it
But I remember being 17 and feeling like the whole world was my
Backyard and I remember turning 18 and feeling like life could never
Be this hard, as hard as it is now and I lay in bed as I write this,
It’s hard to admit that I haven’t left bed since last week and when
I was crying he used to call me weak so at the first sight of someone
To give me a gold pedestal to lean on, I leaned, and I’m sorry
I never turned out to be the kind of strong that you needed,
I never meant for my past to bleed into the skin I bear today
And I did not think that I would be the kind of girl to let it
Permeate the way I treat others but I’m still healing from another
Life I forgot about for more than a year, I covered it in bandaids
But never let it breathe and now it is infected and I’m left bleeding out
Your wounds are still bleeding too and I used that as an excuse
As to why I could not love you, but in truth, I do not even love myself
Not enough to ask for help, not enough to help you, not enough to
Give myself away again, I’m sorry I could not be what you needed
again.
And in turn I was left empty recollecting on broken fragments
Of my past that led me to where I am now, I am unsure how
I got to be the kind of person that seeks validation in the form of
Communication in the form of talking without listening but hoping
Someone is listening when I talk it sounds like ghosts singing but
They do not know the words to the songs they are trying to sing
And the thing that struck me the most about the way I handled
You and I was that I thought I had finally had it right and I thought
“Thank god I finally got it right this time because I got sick of standing
Over the bathroom sink trying to get in one full breath without guilt
From former lovers forcing its weight on my chest” and you said I was
The best thing that you had had in years and I wonder what you had
Before the worst because my best was in my teenage years and you
Never liked to hear about it because I was always going on about it
But I remember being 17 and feeling like the whole world was my
Backyard and I remember turning 18 and feeling like life could never
Be this hard, as hard as it is now and I lay in bed as I write this,
It’s hard to admit that I haven’t left bed since last week and when
I was crying he used to call me weak so at the first sight of someone
To give me a gold pedestal to lean on, I leaned, and I’m sorry
I never turned out to be the kind of strong that you needed,
I never meant for my past to bleed into the skin I bear today
And I did not think that I would be the kind of girl to let it
Permeate the way I treat others but I’m still healing from another
Life I forgot about for more than a year, I covered it in bandaids
But never let it breathe and now it is infected and I’m left bleeding out
Your wounds are still bleeding too and I used that as an excuse
As to why I could not love you, but in truth, I do not even love myself
Not enough to ask for help, not enough to help you, not enough to
Give myself away again, I’m sorry I could not be what you needed
again.
