They think, you're kidding when you say; " I wish I was dead." Don't cry on my tombstone, you buried me long before I was dead.

24 hours to endure every last painstakingly long drawn out rewound memoried wound displayed across my brain. No matter how hard I erase, the pencil still leaves the marks on my body you left for me to remember you by.

24 hours to endure how my insides turned out that day. They’ve never involuted ever since, my core a prison I keep myself in.

אֹנֶס

I want a banana muffin & a monkey.

The only thing, the night offers me.
Raging head aches, & sore eyes.
Yet the poets cry for more.

And oh my god, does the brown bleed into the white. Across the lake, you made your home. Smooth legs, & strong *****. That's how you liked your women. Optimistic, unrealistic I wasn't enough. Rowing back home, on my sinking boat, this useless canoe.

There's nothing glamorous about the way I tear myself apart.

I've always wanted to fall for a poet,

A bottle of opened sunkist soda,
A couple sips missing,
Wincing knowing there's chocolate in the drawr.
Wishing the nightstand would disapear,
Praying the guilt will go away.

If you cracked a remote in half, you'd see my brains pouring out. Oozing between the buttons, the channels always stay the same.

He said, “ please don’t be too dark tonight”. But I’ve never seen the morning. I’ve never felt the light hit my pupils, I’ve never dilated my emotions to see the happiness lying beneath. I don’t know about sun rises or sun glasses and extra spf. I know about flashlights without batteries and nights that never end. I know about the grief that has always been too much for your Wednesday midday brunch soul.

Birds of a feather flock together,
But you slither between the words in the rymes,
Gathering your heard of snakes,
Under the rocks of my thoughts,
Id rather remain friendless,
Then have your,
venom
Running Through My Veins

10 seconds of insane courage.

today I shopped, I shopped because the pounds had dropped. Sunk to the bottom of my ghost town stomach. Melted out of my sunken eyes, dripped from my cracked lips.

The changing room lights accentuated the rolls and zig zags in my stomach. The lighting strikes and scars that the battle at the dinner table left behind.

We **** in the name of lust,
Calling it just,
Because you can't afford to feed another mouth,
Yet you can afford to sleep with a man,
Who can't even support himself,
How selfish,
1.2 million deaths,
Unjustified their lives burnin out like candles,
The only way to solve the dilemma,
Is to **** something you claim to not be alive,
It's heart beats at the age of five weeks,
Smaller than a penny,
Already depending on you to live,
But clinics make it easy,
Less messy,
They don't tell you about the emotional,
Damage,
Day in,
Day out,
The blood on your hands,
Under your finger nails,
It doesn't wash out,
This unholy war needs to stop.

You put your head on my leg, weighing it down. But weight doesn’t make you stay. Weight doesn’t anchor you to the bay. Weight can keep you afloat, lighter than the water. Heavier than the waves. It can keep you warm during a winters storm. Safe from frigid contrasts. You put your head on my leg, weighing it down.

I cut it off and crawled away

What is normal for the Mother,
Is complete chaos for the child.

My room is dark, pitch black, the calming security of the endless nothing before my eyes, I take a step, then another, the out skirts of a tuffeted bed spread scrape against my knees, I am blind for merely minutes, but I feel more intuned with life already, my castle has smoke rising like the oceans tide, the all too familiar smell, of **** burning to ashes, like it does to my thoughts, I'm burning my brain, but it's better then feeling...lost. Haha dad, though you never raised me, I'm just like you.

I fall for anyone with depth, because All i do is stay tripping.

Dead soldiers boots, concern the hell out of me.

I always wondered why in action movies, that they put all the main characters, most valuable heros on one plane. What if it blew up, everyone gone. Then I realized & laughed.

Today I did all the good things, my hands shook, my knees knocked and almost got swept out from under me, I asked questions and sweat and swore under my breath praying you wouldn’t notice.

Love is just an awful tendency you try to stray from.

I wish I could eat the smoke, snort the fog into the back of my throat
Engulf my lungs in dense thick black smog. The ache still stays

Binge eating, only to feel disgusted afterwards.
Putting on makeup, just to smear it off, it doesn't help the ugly go away.
Stop eating for a month, so you can see your ribs again, not small enough anyway.
Spend 200 plus on lingerie, to make today better, it doesn't.

I know were a lot of disfigured momentum, we colided. Yet I know when enough is enough. We've reached our destination and your not getting off. **** I keep throwing up.

The middle plants are my insides.
She said she likes my writings even when she’s not high.

I broke the back door, with my thumb nail of course. I forgot that you like slaming it everynight, my pain brings you pleasure. The pholicules just turn purple and peel off anyway. Another shade of pink, & a house without doors would be nice.

He shoved snow down my jacket,
Ripped my hair out in the process,
I screamed, laughed and yelled.
But I said it felt good, afterwards.

I’d like to apologize for the skin I’ve separated. Severed and fileted in vein, literally. For the water fall rush of warm liquid that fills my palm, but doesn’t quench my thirst. For the pain I can’t carve out and can’t seem to get enough of. For the Carnegie that is my bathroom floor, an ice skating rink for the depressed.

A lady in the streets, but a cuddlier in the sheets.

I hope to find you in my inbox, curled up & missing me so.

The way you cried, "don't go home yet"
As you laced your warm hand,
Around my shaking forearm,
And I could've sworn it could've sworn,
Swearings bad for the heart,
I would've rather climbed Mount Everest,
Than fall in love with you,
At least I would've accomplished something,
Not that we weren't anything,
Just a cold refreshing swig,
Of something sweet,
It left my mouth dry,
& my stomach empty,
My living room is a jungle,
You a lion,
Stuck in the vines of life,
Don't free fall into anything but yourself,
Ghosts cannot love,
Anyone but themselves,
How can two free thinkers be together,
I smoked with the astronaut on the bench,
He was just a news paper,
Dated 1979,
He wasn't fishing for anything but luck,
And the universe died that night,
It's all just imagination with the limitation,
Of realism,
You freak,
I look in the mirror and wander back,
Into the irises,
To the eyes of the beholder,
Residing in me,
Big empty nothing,
Cultureal decline,
Political backslide,
Prepare you for everything.

Silly worms, impregnanting ovulated pennies, coin star hearts, puking in starburst wrappers, hug the bed post. I walked with buddhas father, along the ivory tower. gravel in my eyes, make me see brighter. Than the post in yours

When you laughed you took all the air from out of our lungs & for the first time I was glad to see you selfish.

Chips & dip, with a side of hip swaying seductive side dish. Still warm from the aftermath. My beds so full of your scent, it's been too long since I've seen your smile. Almost a month, pictures can't capture that moment.

If I lie in the bathroom half awake, the blood draining from my veins. Me & Mr Lucifer felt so much despair, he sat beside me and braided my hair. Wrote poems on the wall, I wish it was in you to be more caring. I have the boxes of seeds, I'll plant them in the tiles. Capturing sun flowers & daisy a in my garden of hate. I fall asleep to the sound of flushing toilets.

I wish when you spoke of poetry, it was about me. When your lips licked similes off the page, I wish it was me. Always will

Words mean nothing to me.

With every tale of a past adventure, you told me how you’re going to leave me in the future.

everyones got a year, a day, a second, a blink of an eye moment; that leads back to all their pain & suffering. its one long, never ending street. Mine was the year I turned ten.

I’ve got a hunting dog on my back, he sniffs out my sadness, he’s always on the right track.

Cars are coffins for selfish alcoholics

My eyes opened wide, I fall into a daze.
Sun bathed in everything that is unholy,
I'm sure you would make love with me,
If I only got the chance to ask,
You speak in riddles & second glances,
Always romanticing.

I sat infront of the mirror with God last night,
I traded my pretty blue eyes for slimmer thighs,
My gorgeous thick curly hair for smaller hips,
Those cute freckles on my nose for bigger lips,
My smile for a smaller stomach, my laugh for bigger *****. He cried, I didn't know who I was.

It hurts like hell, but I'll just a take another trip, dip & dive into someone else's liquid mind. Find friends among the beaten flowers, in an abandoned window sill. Look forever among the common grounds, the commotion of motion beyond all life forms. **** me, & find peace within yourself. A life for a life.

If they let you into heaven, I'd rather go to hell

The air conditioner turns on at 12:23, I just want to sleep. Not freeze my *** off, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

The world jeered at her,
"Come down from your tower"
But I'm no princess, I've built a castle in the sky,
Full of my thoughts,
Everything's been empty for a while,
She said boys will want to go to war for you,
I smiled,
And said " peace."

Your home is built on quick sand,
Brick by brick,
It's sinking deeper,
I don't want you in my life,
This foundation was never realistic or stable

The word **** tumbles tightly from your lips,
Stuck in the back of your throat like ill chewed food. You look at me in disbelief as I hand out the details, like bullet points on a brochure. I’ve never seen so much pity pooling and overflowing into and ebbing nightmare of truth. But here I am, asking you to still see me as I am, not as I have been treated.