sometimes I forget, how wild I truly am.

You look worse with me on you, I love you, air compressor, graciously ungracious, it hurts to know, that you can't look at me in a bathing suit, and whisper please go change, I thought I loved myself, but that was yesterday's lame, I've stopped eating, I've stopped cheating, on the way I say, ill run later, I can't apologize.

With a few drinks in my veins,
The world blurred together,
I woke up with bruises,
On collar bones and laid next to excuses,
As to why I had wanted "it",
I couldn't remember,
With a few drinks in my veins,
I stayed asleep next to some excuses,
I couldn't lift my head.

The deepest intake
The shallowest chest cavity
Held nothing for me
Deuteronomy

Bright pink, satin red sunset.
Hallow wind,
Black silouettes,
Waves crashing,
More like gliding,
Folding over and under each other,
Just me and you,
Wet sand under our toes,
I always see the outline of your favorite hat,
But never a trace of your face,
Maybe I don't have to,
I know every line,
Every crease,
Because you gave them to me,
Like you gave me this yearning,
To be there with you,
An abundance of love and wanting,
Your presence more full,
Than the rising ocean,
I open my eyes,
Slowly,
Throw my feet over the side of the bed,
I rub away the dream with the back of my hands,
I can still hear the crashing sea,
But all I feel is empty,
I want to know your love,
I want these dreams to be real,
We're only a couple hundred miles away,
Why does it feel like more like light years away,
Why dont you want me dad?

How many times do you apply makeup,
Till the salty tears wash it away,
To cover it back up,
And as the tide comes in,
A new grief begins,
Today.

Blowing kisses,
Is inocent she said,
As she drew the eye liner a little thicker across her eye lids,
  
Biting your lip,
Is perfectly okay,
As her lips bleed red,
Shade 918,

Uncrossing your legs,
Is a little inviting,
As the stilletos gleamed against the dim lighting,
She said,

Tight clothes,
Make me wanted,
She said as her body bended down,
A hand came down ******* her ***,

Bra less see through shirts,
Add to the thrill,
Her ******* profound,

Lace lingerie,
Makes the boys drool,

I'm a burlesque babe!
Don't look shocked,
I was raised this way,

“A burden of joy”
A joy so heavy you have to feel it
Hold it in your arms
Cradle it to your chest
Rock it steadfast to sleep

The tub is cloudy with blood, awapuhi ginger & mud. In a week from now you'll count the scabs & yellow tinted bruises.

We were a piano, you are the keys, I am the strings, or perhaps I am the peddles beneath your feet, we play beautifully when we're alone.

All the right notes, fingertips and tired sighs.
We make love, we make poetry, we make music.
Your tired back, aching over the keys. There's a violin somewhere in the back ground. But all I can hear is you. Everything is louder in this empty hallway, empty home. You echo...& return to me.

You're nothing more than a mix matched soap opera boxed cardigan, that I pull tightly around myself. The wind picked up again. Pick up the phone man. I'll button back our conversations, cut off all the threads from the loosely hung hat on the back of your ill tapered head. If I've said I'm sorry, I'll say it a thousand times. My closets empty. I'm out of rhymes.

Falling asleep to passing headlights, sangria in my mind. Your head in my lap, your fingers laced in mine. Another mans hoodie, propped against my head. His scent put me to bed not you. I wish beyond the sound of squealing tires, and back road drives. I fell asleep too soon.

Slowly rolling, folding fabric,
Shifting, guiding off the body,
Nervous laughter,
Lip bites,
Inhale,
Exhale,
Gently not too much she says,
My hair fanned across the bed,
A lions mane,
In all its glory,
My eyes roll up to the ceiling,
The part were the blue paint,
Contrasts the white,
Adrenaline kicks in,
When the needle hits the skin,
Ink to flesh,
The most intimate mesh,
My lifestyle,
Under **** tattoo,
To life,
I said,
To life,
She said,

Lick the sap off the nape of her neck...count the rings on her thigh, is she legal?

My shadow is beautiful,
She dances and twirls,
Does piewriates down the halls,
I walk with her talk with her,
She mocks me,
Cause she knows I'll never do what she can,
The way she bends,
Almost breaks,
Stands back up,
The tips of her toes pointed straight,
Ballerina, Ballerinia,
Overweight,
You can't protisapate,
Ballerinia, Ballernia,
Stay home,

I will not be satisfied until, your paw printed blankets, are the only thing between us...

You're trying to sell, your poetry. Like the guys back in my home state, with their mixtapes.
                         **Get out of here

You drink all the milk out of, the bones & the marrow . My cell count is down to three point one. Hospital love, is so contagious.

Proactive hip gestures. To lady lusters. Do you know what it's like to have someone shove their hand down your pants involuntarily. Sip your free breeze bundles of Sundays. I'll float on.

He SCREAMED, " I want to be more than a clanging cymbal." I cut your front yard, but the birds ate out my eyes, so I can't tell if it looks good or not.

Should I go back & clean the salvia from your shot glasses. Keep the lined up, like the lines of strands on words of platonic sapling thoughts. The drifter & the gypsy.   You mean nothing but misery. I don't have time for poetry. It's there like an old bar stool.

Please shove more violent words down my throat, driving me closer & closer to that black hearse. I never meant to disapoint you...with shakey fingers I etch out my goodbyes across the smooth cold tiles. That empty place in my chest, filled with sorrow. I wipe the makeup off my face, I don't want to meet God that way. I don't want to disapoint anyone else. They say the first 20 years are the hardest. But I know 40 year olds that never got up on their feet. I won't be like that...I won't be like that. And when you scream out, help me it echoes off these dungeon walls. Sobs come & go like the ocean tide, Ocean I'll miss you. And they say to grieve the living not the dead and most of those who never knew love and love I'll grieve you. It's a violent time this life, I can tell You how you'll make it. take a deep breath & fake it. But I cant, because I'm selfish. So don't grieve me when I'm gone, just walk the art galleries back home. You'll find me there...

Making out with you, four simple words. Can't describe the amount of emotions, the explosions of atmospheres. Inside me. As you leaned in to say goodbye. Upside down, outside my car window. "I feel like this will be the last time I'll see you" your smirk still evident on your face. I yelled shut up, as the campuses walls quaked. I drove off looking back once or twice. You ran up to your dorm. Taking three stairs at a time. Till you got to the top of the world, so you could wave goodbye. Weeks went by, I heard about how you dropped out of college. How you're moving back to New York. About how you jumped off that boat. Into the worlds giant throat. And I cried, cried for a long time. Because I was just a kid, and now you're just a mystery. I still think about your crooked smile, and smashed up Doc martins almost everyday, please bring back the feeling of kissing by the bay. I salute to you, I salute to you. You dead dead dead boy, my bestfriend.

No matter how many, new blankets, pillows and sheets. You pile high.
Like the princess & the pea, I'll never sleep. Shoved down in the bottom layer, under the comfiest cover. Is all the thoughts, that come out at night. Someone knock me out please

it’s hard to hear, “ no” over your own ego

When did **** become irrelevant?

Weak voices & shakey legs.
Your breath aches, against my brain.
Were never starting stopping.
Wake me up with *** in the morning.

Pillowed chest cavity,
Accordion to articulate the pressure in my clavicle.

A firm press to seep out the excess,
To access my insides,
To accept I’ll never be like those other girls.

To drape this weight along my neck, is too much to bare. I’d hand it off to you, but you’re not there.

Atlas

Someone wanna come on an adventure with me? We don't have to come bank, or maybe we won't ever have to leave...

I’ll share the sunshine with you, even if it’s behind a windowpane.

Letting go of him was like shooting my dog between the eyes.

Pores radiate grief
Trembling in loss
I’ll stay here till I die till I’m dead

I'll show you how selfish I can be...

Vintage fabric, over lapping tan skin,
Flesh blushed red,
Cheek bones with more structure than your,
Life,
Live loudly boldly with no apology,
He said the confidence is eating me away,
I can't figure you out girl,
You're cryptography,
I can't fall in love with quaters of your body,
It's all or none,
You demand everything at once,
There so much room for seduction,
But I kept walking on by,
You don't fall in love with childhood friends,
To become friends with benifits,
To become nothing at all,
Except the memory of skin on flesh,
We have this conversation with our eyes,
As you tie the bathing suit back into place.

I saw an angel honking his wings at me

Something spiritual how a rain coat keeps you warmer than last years winter jacket.

Mr keatings veiw on the world.

He drew,
Overnight,
Till the morning,
Something beautiful,
Till his hand ached,
His brain wondering the meaning,
Of those 12 words,
I remember the smell of the shop,
Wafts of adrenaline & home,
Leather couches,
And hot guys,
I remember when I saw the outline,
Beautiful my eyes watered,
He took me to the back room,
Pushing up my sleeve,
Washing my arm carefully,
He shakenly asked me what it meant,
What the 12 words were,
And the beautiful wave,
He wouldn't meet my eyes,
I softly said,
It shows my trust in God,
He inhaled,
I smile small,
I tell him of his love,
And how these 12 words represent our,
Relationship,
He finally looks up at me,
He says I've must've thought about this,
Through,
I smile as he presses the needle to my skin,
Four hours of spending time with him,
Laughing and joking,
I had hoped to have inspired you billy,
All I can see when I close my eyes,
Is how you held on,
To that book,
You thought it gave you answers,
And you grasped it so tight,
Tighter than the machine,
You filled with ink,
Permentally marking me for life,
I watched as the inspiration evaporated,
You titled your head,
Giving me a small sad smile,
The satanic bible clenched in you enclosed fist,
Because how could someone ever put all their trust, into someone who is suppose to be so good, in a world so bad.
So why fight fire with fire,
When you can just lay down and sleep with the wicked,
It makes me sad sometimes,
Thinking of you,
But I know as the years go by,
As I go back to you over and over again,
As I am more ink than skin,
I'll teach you to love once more,
You speak in every curling wave, & sing in every violent breeze.
12 words

I want to know how to play the piano perfectly...without my clumsy fingers tripping over the keys. Id play you a million songs, just to watch you sleep...

You ever picture insanity?
Monstrosity
Barefoot wineglass catastrophe

The first thing they will see are my eyes:  probably glazed over or maybe bulging with anxiety and regret. Maybe dipped in tears, a salty salute. A salutation of goodbyes.

The last thing my eyes see: four boxes stacked neatly together. Cubicles or canteens to hold my sorrows and secrets. Binders binding the bills that beat me down. And the makeup stacked haphazardly to hide the beating and the mistreating. A treated piece of wood your grandfather made you, but you can’t stand to see it. Hats and gloves to keep my numb limbs warm, chapstick to keep my lips from warp. Pigment passes my pupil, a grey brown and then it’s all over.

Upside down telephone steps,
Diagnosed with perplexed paintings.
I felt it in my blood,
Pills rattling in the gutter of a bottle,
Lifes going no where,
Polar bear drowning,
Is the only sight I could see,
As I looked into the vortex of my future,
Crisp apples and new pencils,
Can't make me learn quicker,
Quickly I melt into an abyss of wondering,
Down a deep dark hole of nothing,

Sometimes I think about the time you told me, it was Blake who stole all the pills. But it was you. I think about what you did with the money. But today I lay upside down on the stairs, well, the ceiling fan turning rapidly. Suddenly thinking what would happen if it fell, would I lose my head? I laughed knowing I already did.

All night long I hear you picking up pebbles,
******* the micro-organisms off it,
You don't have teeth to eat the good stuff,
Soft patters put me to sleep,
Something else alive in this room,
Not just me,
With a heart beat,
& that's so comforting,
I don't need a man to protect me,
Just a gold fish named Larry,
Who doesn't know much,
Other than the inside out of his tank & tiki hutch,
I told my mom I had replaced you with a fish,
But each time I hear a pebble drop,
It reminds me of your paw prints,
Skimming over the top,
I miss you.

You are the good before the morning,
The sugar to my tea,
The cuddles in mid afternoon,
When you didn't get a good nights sleep,
You were the skip to my step,
The petal to my rose,
The hope to my future,
My life long companion,
Cut short,
Where's the rope...

Okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay
Yup yup yup yup yup yup yup yup yup
K k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k k
Fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine
           I see you emptiness, I notice you
   Beloved mistress, come flood my heart,
Internal organs, rushing in like the tide,
Earth crumbling beneath me,
Swept in, for the ride,

Your sweet green eyes, pink tongue,
Soft coat, loud voice, little bean.

I spent too much time, flipping throug old records. In that old shop, in my home town. My head is filled with dust, but I can sing every song on every album. Without missing a beat.

I played tonight,
Till my finger tips bled,
More than blood,
Memories,
More than tears,
I miss you.
This ol' guitar is my last keepsake,
Worn thin strap,
Unraveled,
But I'll never take it off,
I can still smell the music shop,
On the hot July day,
He was hanging by his neck on the top left,
You bought him for me,
And we took him home,
And you taught me,
So many more things other than just a song on guitar,
I miss my bestfriend

Robotics Class,
I never took it,
But I'm sure glad you did,
It left you crooked,
Achey & Weird,
When we kissed it was copper mixed,
With gasoline tears,
Hearts don't break even,
They don't break at all,
Just shrivel up & die,
Until the next one comes along,
I'm not sure if you're replaceable.

This ones for you.

I knew he didn't love me, but I adored him anyway. Our souls were the loudest, but only we could hear, so silent yet so there. I wonder when he stares at me as we laugh if he thinks I'm beautiful, when I smile and stop to greet people, and I can feel his gaze on me. Does he adore me. Or is it the same with every girl, who am I kidding, you're just a boy. I listen to classical music, and it makes me feel alive, but not like when you tell me goodnight.