What if I told you that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, my world is full of everything sad as grey.

I remember how it felt when the sun would come, even if it was just for a second, my life felt a little bit true.

But not now, and it won’t be for a while. Many times I have thought about throwing in the towel… just washing myself away in hard liquor and sorrows.

Maybe it isn’t fair, maybe I am just a shadow of who I am supposed to be. Maybe the world isn’t ending, maybe it is just my demons taunting me with these thoughts that aren’t even true.

I wish I could tell you all of the thoughts that come to my mind, I wish that I could say that I believe that everything will be okay.

I wish you could understand my mind and how I have never seen anything more beautiful than darkness on a **** highway at 3 in the morning.

The world is so dark to me, figuratively and literally.

I do not say that lightly, because it would be a cowardly thing to be dishonest about.

I wish I could say that I don’t envy the people who can find joy in almost anything this life has to offer.

Because when you struggle to find joy in the things that usually bring you happiness, you realize just how lonely you are in this void.

It feels like I am in this abyss of shadows and the ethereal way is calling me home but I am restricted by a noose made of chains.

Sounds miserable doesn’t it, I wish you could understand. I truly wish you could.

I wish you could understand as easily as a burning fire burns through even the toughest wood.

-

I view my world like a vinyl album on a record player, constantly spinning for a little and then coming to a stop when the content is finished being played.

The difference is that the album can be replayed and flipped over, but my mind feels impossible to move and restart.

No fire could light up my life anymore, because I have already fallen and hit the cold, stony floor.

I am 50 feet below the surface, looking up at the world with a broken lens. I mean, wouldn’t your sight and beliefs be cracked if you fell that far too?

My Walk with Wires

I thought I was done,

Crawling away from devilish thoughts,

But they creep back in,

Twisting my brain into knots.

I thought I was done running away,

It was the first rain of May,

The numbness of my words and my love?

Procaine makes the numbness infinite.

I’m walking on thin wires,

My eyes roll,

Why am I not moving?
Is it my excavation of life, or just my flat tires?

What lead to this curse,

My life isn’t found in an expensive purse,

It’s not found in fables,

It’s found in the elegance of what gets worse.

There’s a forest,

It’s whispering your name,
Honestly, it’s screaming about my shame,

Is it my heart, or is it me that’s to blame?

I punch these mirrors,

You stare,

The ideas in my head?

 You made them so unfair.

White flashes,

Blue flashes,

Red flashes,

Broken blood flowing out of these gashes.

Did I fall,

Was it real?

The jagged wires collapsed?

I’m navigating away from these traps…?

I’m awake now,

Only a little bit of pain is here,

What did I dream of?

Was it about March 17th again?

I only need that eternal love,

I didn’t need the so called beauty of a dove,

You scream out,

I call back, but with eternal resentment.

We all need a little more love,

But some of us have to earn it by walking,

Walking on thin wires,

Because it’s a testament of your true heart.