caked with wet empty dread
gnawing for moist marrow

i see white lies in your eyes boy (child)          clown with lobotomy ice picks
driven through (dripping)

he screams at me (crawling on ceiling)
the grand cosmic joke
no one's laughing (head turns)
ugly dead frozen little boy girl *****
(who is really the specimen)

i **** it (her) {him} [me]
raw till no longer can hear death rattle
raw sour note (bleeding)
bone chips

saw you eat me in my dreams
fried raw and ******
(my liver and onions get you drunk)

pounding some incessant f note
on **** little black dress keys
till dust till dusk till we do part

silly tell tale heart
only haven't buried me yet

yea ouroboros
a symbol of man's self destructive
drive

that's just how you see it
she says
bipolar

knocks me down
a few pegs
gets me off

i reply smokily
shut up *****
does she like that like some girls/boys
like the verbal abuse

we get slammed on whatever's around
chardonnay and those razor blades
(where do you buy those baby)
*** in our mix
really just another drug

i love you baby
she turns away

Lucidity is overrated
I'll die high and forgetting

sad clown always laughing joking
making fool out of self (how dare he)
speak to me thusly
as if i don't know
how funny the grand joke
the grand joke being me

anesthetic lines at parties
garish boost of self confidence
who was i in those days (liar)

scooping out the self
going in through the nose
when will these ulcers
eat through me
when will my heart
finally cease its cardiotoxic cardiac protest

they ate it up
me the humble pie
shat out cancerous colon

big empty words between gulps
russian standard my weapon in those days
but all the blow blown
and all the ***** ethanol *****
can't let you forget
it him you us
broken shattered thrown to the wind
seeds of our discontent

how to move in
yuppie world not my own
yuppie circles all fake owned phony skills

shyster lies honed like blade on fool's gold
stone(d) as i am laughing sinking thinking
who really tells the truth


no straight n narrow
no translucent niveous lies (cheater)
what say you

shady backroom deals
pool game with two 8 *****
a better fit for liar like me
what say you
perfidy i tire of these games

you will find not in me quotes
the quotes of great men
(all) great dead men all
rotten up yasss yasss

don't hide in great dead men
or great dead coiled quotes (worm)
eat me boiled up rubbery
squid ink jet black poison eyes
make me wanna ******* raw
(agave honey darling)

hiding between the lines
lying behind the scenes
great cosmic puppet master
pull pulling pithy lil puppet strings
who do you really believe is you
what **** is me anyways (sugar)

The mainlander mantra
'A frozen rock in the Atlantic
Is not a paradise'
I don't  buy it

I was sick and high waiting for you to die
Still crying from all the lying
That brought us here
Where nightmare bears stare from
Blackened soot silt laden forest
Rotten flesh half metal to the bone
Like Russian krokodil addict
Nervous system trashed
Rotting from the inside
Only left with sickening regret
His name on your chest so
Can't ever forget

death wish tryst
8ball and a fifth

Laughing drunk high be
Like dirt dog on mtv
Taking the camera crew to cash his welfare
Like ******* pay me

D'you think when we develop robots with Advanced artificial intelligence
They'll be gendered
Will they have spectrum gender or Binary
Will there be a R(obot)LGBT

Even as ship was sinking
Having hit Titanic iceberg
Still silly ship captain me could laugh
At go down with it self-tragedy

Now resting (rusting)
On Atlantic ocean bottom
Can't laugh without air to breathe
No humour left in these old oxidized bones

Having missed the lighthouse
No sea shells to share
No crashing waves
Dead eyes stare out window

Laid bare barren wastes
Blair station
Near where used to live
Pretending we were still a family

This truly is day of days or at least some oncoming phase wherein lies are sound
and disillusioned soldiers sing sad soul songs about forgetting and how to belong when you can hear the man listening at the other end like paranoid little androids peck pecking at our crossed wires

Can't trust anyone anymore each tryst a fatal trip to that ghetto part of Montreal
Crotch told me about matter of fact
i was reading the rcmp's most wanted list
and ******* if there wasn't some dude named grizzley on there from Montreal with a wicked cool afro who is wanted for second degree ******

So you can go ahead and press in closer but my wheel spinning wheel caught in dirt brain will probably just send us both off the tracks off the wagon really though all still beautiful like old soul song or hopeless dying live you can't save tho you hope you feel you've tried

Oh yes mediating meditating medicating
Over blue baby guitbox
Tea and black Afghan
Remembering again
Old friend

Oh yass yass (imaginary drawl)
Memories come back stronger
I ask Sil 'hey Sil there a word for that?'
She stares back with icy eyes

(Steel blue) As if to say 'Why ask?'
And in asking this really asking
Wherefore and other trite inanities
Fleeting requiem distractions
Tired repeat eulogies

Cold winter camping
Frigorific night huddled around fire
Many coyotes auspiciously howling nearby
"Don't worry, they're across the water"
Still I wait at the ready with coyot-basher

Tents in snow shielded from peninsula
By tarps lashed together with rope and ply
"You'd probably die out here" says Oscar
Here meaning Newfoundland
Here meaning the Northern Pen.
Agreeing monosylabically

Nearly hypothermic thinking
Not so bad
Maybe stay another night (says the voice)
Sneak down to water
And jump in ice fishing hole

Try as I might
Only see things
In black and white
Really black spreading carrion bird
Vulture wings to pick clean to bone

No friend just a fake toothache smile
Who wants something
Too bad too late all used up
Throw away mate
Past best before date
Rotten meat parasite infested

Inevitable buried garbage pit fate
Dig it just big enough for
A dead little Elliot me
Be my Big Sur Billie
And ******* bury me

Brooding over brews
Breathing over false prophet lines
It turns out I'm falling apart again
'You seem to be so in control'

Through the haze
Hiding in pristine dreams
Painting over the cracks
Sullen porcelain princess
Sin fest cease your ingress
Said the girl in fake flower print dress
She knows what's good
Like smoking in the back woods

Lesbian shirtless circus living room roomie
Sees through facade as if to say
It's all a farce

Understanding somehow
Secret inner nightmare
Don't know how to stop hiding
Can't forget

I am broken bruised used up body
You are an empty ruse
Used to suss me out
Fork in road tongued snake
Eating up all the leftover soul goodness

You can squeeze the life out of me
Smiling up at you grateful
My fallen angel Prometheus

Asking silly questions
About places I no longer live
And people that
Maybe should have stayed friends
Who really burned bridge

Both of us
No innocence here
Who really threw first stone

More questions that don't matter
Naked answers drained of endorphins
Let me be the honey sweet mulled wine
Take me to dinner with your Prada
White girl no *** pearly teeth

Telling me really
'All men are pigs anyways my darling'
Making me her plump little Sunday swine
'Shall I feed at thy trough'
Earns me a red cheek'd slap

someone yells 'dilettante' accusingly
i wake up in cold sweat
screaming  'now see here im no phony!'
to imaginary rat creeping
now through my door

Remember
No one cares
No one owes you anything
Go to NA she says
Disappointed again

Sitting in white shirt
(Loosened yuppie Windsor knot)
Armchair laughing
Having realized the grand joke of life

Satisfied little Sanskrit honey
Is it a bohdi tree or burning bush
(When really are one and same)
Don't think too hard

Suburban white boy dreams of trap houses
With tie over shoulder
As the tv says it prevents
***** on tie

Little air planes
Round and white
Hard pressed (to explain)
Make one fly at high speed
Get it? (never mind inside joke laughing)

Talks like a gang banger
Can't take it seriously
Little big boy equals not shook
Drinking rot gut tallboys

Days after and minutes away
Zehaf-Bibeau war memorial
Winchester repeater in hand
Supposed ideological threat needed
Expand the police state

Read me outloud
It doesn't hit the same without it
Empty room yet mind is crowded
How to sit and stare up at night sky
Without thinking about
All the ground and concrete and skyscrapers compressing chest
So heavy I'm convinced we'll all sink down into the earth soon enough
Not that it really seems to matter anymore
I can still feel doom tugging at the corners of being
Still see dead faces of everyone flashing through mind
"Hello nice to meet you, I can see you rotting in my head"
A brisk break room conversation
Not that it really seems to matter anymore

years of being told you were wrong
no trust left here
indifferent to most everything
it's a warm black tar pit
evolution of apathy

saying now again
what do i now next chop wood
as if so many little mantra words
have profound zen meaning to me
disenchanted disembodied little buddha
great laughs at own expense
fire has gone out where are you now

Breathe deep and dive into
Abyss of responsibility (new living)
Tired panic yet numb
Walking home soaked
From red leaf dark day pouring heavens

Thinking in silly double entendres like
'When it rains pours'
And other such pathetic drudgery
More simple patterns repeating
Unique combinations of those
Same **** traits

Going for broke taking a risk
Hoping this time not to ruin it
With so many stupid little words
Crash and burn again

Saturday night passing out on floor
Sleeping on the dog
She's my brood mother
Crumpled cans
Crumble

Cut a swath thru
Tinder *******
Drunk on the floor
With the dog

Look at you some ******' hieratic figure
Holier than thou prosetylizer
I wouldn't **** on fire
To put you out

Make me sick tellin' me
how to live love lie loaf
Fay çe que vouldras
Day's new motto

Got new job today
After hanging up phone
Went for smoke on deck
Looking up at gloom laden sky
Down at wet vermilion leaves
Felt nothing (empty blessing sickness)

Bored
Want for whole charade to be over
All this *******
Therapy and

ADD meds
That make me feel like a zombie
(Dead eyes in mirror look through you)
Abuse them anyway
I don't want to stop

Pretending
To be so much better for family
Really still useless (dead weight anvil)
Really still high dreaming
Of tall buildings on rainy nights
Or ketamine bathtubs
Ready for the end

Tired
Of worrying about the girl
Remorseful poison
Afraid it will take her away
Says she can't stop
Don't want her to go

This insomniac act is growing old
Limbs become cold

Sat on plane little saline tears
Bead like rain on window
More sentimental ****
Sick of it
Miss you that's nothing new
Same ol me same ol you
For all my grand gilded words
I'm just a coward and a child

Can taste copper in back of throat
Ringing ear still
Blood sinus smell
Reminds me of you
Pale face
Honey

i am the body at the center
the nut of the problem gnashing
i hate to write

my soul and heart and singular being
they were gummed up i tell him
like cholesterol in arteries
call it soul phlebitis explaining
have to stand on head meditation
to drain blood from leg
fill brain to align yr dharma

yr too caught in how others perceive you
tells he, jacket over shoulders
having found soul swagger
handsome pride brotherly love
yip o yab yum

higher than everest
she makes i am her mark
we kiss hard in loud booming bar
biting my lip til nearly ******
i squeeze breast when
you move my hands to where
they wanted to go anyway
you jump in arms
hug and sway

it's nice to see you
i yell between kisses
eating each other
small fervent little bites
and it is

and it pains
dull hurt, an ache
still deep down feels good

collapsing on bartop bar stool reverie
old home away from home
warms cold bones
old ocean growing
swells inside me
forgetting there was ever an ebb
henry miller's dream of paris
is alive and well
walking thru streets of debauched
tradition
a place where people still remember
how to live without shame in sin
as if the simple act of being is enough
to curb fire in belly hunger

go ahead, sell my data
it's like *****, i can always make more

Remember first trip
Saw bone structure piercing thru skin
Stretched too thin and taught
As if bones desperately needed escape
Reprieve from residing within you
Thought for sure was dead
Til Darkoesque wormhole protrudes
Now sure am dead

We speak, or rather you spoke
I listened

You'll be fine, you'll do great
You've got so much going for you

I never understood why you said that
Maybe just placating
Weary little broken boy toy me

What good was I, could hardly speak
Or look at faces, just shoes
All shame rotting away
In death trap little future overdose room

More ***** than brain
Felt skin sloughing off
Hair falling out dead anyway
While cancer ate away ulcerous stomach

When looked in mirror
Only saw death, reaving reaper
His scythe my smashed absinthe bottle
****** X marks the spot where
I drag everyone down with me

If Jesus had a casino
I'd be a holy roller
Swag, swag
Swag

Got so much cheddar
I be making cheese curds

Praise be to the based god
Yung trap lord
Action Bronson
The holy trinity
SSwag od

Amphetamine psychosis is a *****
She'll steal yer wallet

I've decided to let go
And lose my mind

Out of bed sweating with
Bottle of wine nightmares
Evil thought process
I am the demon
It is my fault
Twitching sick all hell's fury
Come for thee
Come for me
Soul sick laughing
I know what's next
Eat me or laugh
Pep pill peppermint paddy
Addy scrip quit
Or some quip
O we all struggle with focus i ***** blood
On liar face

old hunger makes us sick
forget who we are and
where we're going

how to see thru fog
how to pierce the sky
where's the truth in all this
mustard gas and lies

translucent silken shadows of people
wishy washy wistful thinking like
'o look at big sophisticated words dribbling across page - verbal *****
great philosopher all expression and
thought purge speaking in a vacuum'
petulant little lines for liar's lurid heart
petty little fines growing large from the start

what is this point you speak of and how do we get there
if it is really about the journey and not the destination
then can i get off right now

or

can i be seal eye headlight hi beams
is there trust enough left between us two
to go on down this road together
or part ways at lightning fork in path

no

i go into petrified forest bog
to hide and melt and decompose
bucolic rot under stalwart stoic onlooking trees

you go to riches, glory, ******* and now sprouting planted seeds
misgivings all forgotten like
irreverent, irrelevant childish deeds

and

i grow bitter and ferment
starving gut absinthe
filled with frozen wormwood lies
like Poe and de Quincy and all the rest

Buddy I'll take a pass at you
Wit yer face
Some cuteeeeee

Dog stretches out
On carelessly tossed discarded clothes
Pushing bag of empty beer cans
They crinkle with drunk shame
I crumple and take blame

if i could list every bar i'd ever been to
ev'ry sloppy loving drunken kiss we shared
it would fill a thousand books
written lilting lines little Kerouacs
sweet red port and
yer nestled snoring head
breast on chest
soft legs entwined with mine
remember it now
long gone days when intimacy
still came naturally
not clumsy shameful downtrodden
broken dreidel me
now too wounded to connect
or look in eyes truly

Have you ever felt
Like you were going to die taking a ****
Sweating profusely and barely able
To walk
Like Elvis