"You're really good at poetry!"

*"ha, I'm good at romanticizing toxic situations"

i wish i were an artist,
wish i could paint the way i’m feeling
as a beautiful sunrise
or an unimaginable storm.
i wish i knew how to illustrate without using words...
words are not reliable.

When we're in the car
After we had an argument
And I know he's stressed
When he doesn't understand why our sister is on medication
Or why somedays I don't get out of bed
Or why we're back in court
Or why our parents are divorced
Or why my mother cries
Or why sometimes I have to parent him
Take care of him


Sometimes
On quiet nights
I hold my brothers hand
Because when I was young
I would've done anything
For anyone to tell me anything was okay
That I wasn't going crazy
That sometimes people just hurt
Sometimes I hold my brothers hand
Because when I was young
I would've done anything

For someone to hold mine

I wanted nothing more than to please you
I went along with every word you said
***
Drugs
Love
Was it all a lie?

I was fragile and innocent
Like glass you shattered me
I can feel a black hole inside me
Where your love should have been

I don't know what I want
but I know it isn't you
not anymore

One wanted my body so bad
He was crippled by his desires

Another held me so tight
I thought I might suffocate

One more came along
He let me roam free
But even the freedom felt like a dream

There was one I found perfect
But he just wanted to use my kindness
And he didn't think twice about it

Boy after boy
I no longer have the desire to go on
I can no longer face the "I love you"s
Without breaking down in a puddle of tears

I don't know how to explain
   what the hunger does to me
             but I can try

The hunger pains are an addiction
       without them
I am l o s t

I'm nothing without them
       I'm nothing without the control
I want
       nothing but beauty

Trying to be strong
it hurts
Eating
it hurts
Your disapproval
******* hurts

Be happy for me
I found my happy place

isn't that what you wanted?