i wanted so bad for you to love me
as i loved you;
in the way that never falters,
never wavers, no matter how hard i try to stop it.
i look at you and wonder what would happen
if i could just take that step forward,
looked you in the eye,
and confessed it all.

i have made many mistakes,
but there are none i regret
quite as much as those i made with you.
i pushed you away because i never thought
that anyone like you could look at anyone like me
for the right reasons.
in your sweet words i saw something more:
a starry-eyed sixteen-year-old so easily swayed,
small, fragile, so easy to manipulate.
i slammed the door shut on all we could have been
because i was too afraid
of letting the wrong person in.
and while i waited again for your knock at my door,
i wondered if i must first invite you back.

my knock was so soft i thought you wouldn’t hear,
but the handle turned and my heart skipped a beat.
with an unsure smile i turned to face
a blue-eyed reminder that i was too late.
i swore to myself i would forget about you,
let you be happy with whomever you choose,
because maybe all i ever wanted was for you to be happy,
not for your heart to be mine.

to my surprise, after many months had passed,
it took confessing my feelings to find a path
that would lead me to forgetting you
and all of the things we could never be.
i was no longer tied to my missed chance,
and once again my heart was opened
to the world ahead.

oh, but my silly reader,
did you think it ended there?
when i cleaned up the pieces i left one behind,
and in the dense air of fall
i listened as he sang the words to a well-loved song.
he fell so deep into the music as i fell so deep into him,
and just like the orange streetlights hanging overhead,
the spark i had lost flickered back to life.

so now i will start all over again,
wondering if my missed chance
will come knocking again.

the moment you enter my heart, you get my all.
every drop of blood, every inhalation,
is for you.
your tears are mine and your laughter echoes in my soul.
i do not go halfway.
when you fall,
i will break my bones to build you a staircase.
when you’re lost,
i will take the stars from my eyes and make the constellations that will lead you home.
when you are broken,
i will give you every piece of me that will make you whole.
and as i stand there, twisted and misshapen,
i will still smile with what teeth i have left.
the air that barely fills my lungs will be used to breathe words of encouragement into your ear.
the mangled heart that beats inside of me will still belong to you,
even though you never replace what you have taken.
i will never be 100% of you
as you are 100% of me.
but still, i keep on giving.

stop thinking about him.
stop thinking about the scars from the blade
you put in his hand,
how pretty you would look
adorned in wreathes of white lines
wound across your skin like vines.
stop wondering how it would feel
for his arms to wrap around your waist
every time you collide in passing side-hugs.
stop wishing you could kiss him again as you stand outside,
the air humid and the streetlights flickering.
he's singing along to a song so full of emotion
and you’re so close.
stop thinking about the mistakes you made the first time.
stop wishing you could change things when change
is right at your fingertips.

breathe your fire, my love.
let him hear you roar.

I want to drive down quiet streets in
Oversized sweaters with our oversized dreams,
Standing through the sunroof and letting our
thoughts fly away on the wind.

I want to take a breath as I never have before,
Inhale deeply, getting high off of starlight.
And if you choose to leave, or if you choose to stay,
That is up to you, for it only means
More room for me.

More room to spread my wings and let life carry me away,
Room to experience every shade of grey;
Because we aren’t painting rainbows with our alabaster hearts,
Not hearts of gold nor silver tears.
We are only colored by where we start,
and I think I will start today.

Start with the streetlights passing overhead,
Let their orange glow change grey to red,
And remember that color pumps through my veins
Creating new artwork every day.

I want neon lights to stoke my restless soul,
Letting me live and breathe, letting me let go.
Purples and greens, everything in between,
painting a mural of oversized dreams.

I tilt my head back and close my eyes, smiling back at
Forsaken skies,
Breathing in and breathing out, forgetting what
I think about.
Because all I see is me and Me, driving down the quiet streets,
Standing through the sunroof with an oversized dream,
forgetting that life could forget about me.

seeing you is like the bittersweet taste of fruit that is not quite ripe.
the sound of your voice is like listening to a song i grew up with,
a cruel nostalgia that makes me think of a better time.

but touching you is like nothing else;
my hand on your arm, my fingers on your cheek.
i could breathe you in instead of oxygen,
live on the smoke that tangled with your breath,
wondering if i would ever get to taste
such sweet a breath as yours.

kissing you was nothing else and so much more.
even if you faded from my life,
i would still remember the salt on your tongue,
the words you whispered as you shifted closer,
canceling the space between us.
every day that passes
where even the words that touch our lips do not meet
is a day spent in the dark.

you see, foolishness is a lot like darkness,
and i was the biggest fool of all.
i waited.
i wondered.
i giggled and rolled my eyes, and i thought it was enough.
i was wrong, but there was still time.

i stood before that door, looking at the numbers,
wondering if you were sleeping behind their golden sheen.
my phone said 4 am but my mind said now or never.
i knocked.
three soft raps upon the door, a hundred beats away
from the pounding of my heart.
it sounds cliché, but the moment your lips said yes,
i would swallow that word
and i would never have to wait, never have to wonder.

seeing her was like plunging into a frozen lake in the dead of winter,
my tongue sluggish, my breath stolen by the cold.
her warm words burned as i backed away.

the room behind her was dark and i laughed because
whether it was you or i,
we were all fools in the end.

perhaps it is true what they say,
that it’s better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.
but the cruelest trick
is never to have loved what it is you lost,
but to hold it close to your heart
in a way that whispers of love.

but time is cruel and works faster than even the sharpest thinkers
when love is involved.
love, lust, like, loath – i never liked the assumptions of poetry.
in the end they’re all the same,
in the end they all end with disdain,
because even if i loved you and you loved me,
we would both grow old and only one would see
how time is cruel and works faster than our eyes
and faster than our hearts.

say my four-letter word is Like and not yet Love,
that the distance is two mere letters
so easily swayed by your silver tongue.
if i haven’t the courage to bring I to U
and let U change to O,
then i will rely on the second closest word:
a word i know to be Luck.

Luck, my fickle friend;
they draw you in and whisper that you are safe,
leaving you at the hands of Time
and making you tick like a clock that unwinds.
but who spoke ill of my best friend Luck,
the one who watches and holds me up?
because Luck is always kind of kind,
as long as you work to make them chime.

and so, with the face of a shattered clock,
i tried to convince myself that i'd had enough
because Like and Love may have two letters between,
but U and I will always be separated by S and H and E.

so i left my Luck and changed from Like to Lust,
decided it was better if my heart took a break,
because nothing in your smile could compare to the stars,
and nothing in your touch could only be ours.
but blood stays warm and eyes still look,
so how could i rob them of the one thing you never took
from me, my lust, my like, and luck?

and yet, four letters still remain,
all the unspoken thoughts we never say –
but the things that we do,
well, they will always remain untrue.

there is still a word where I remain,
its venom laced into every refrain,
because that is what i am forced to do:
refrain, restrain, and never convey
these thoughts i wish you could hear.

so i smile at her and i smile at you,
and as my teeth dig into my lip
these four letters drip down my chin.
they're bitter and stale, but it’s a familiar taste.
there is no U, no S, no H nor E.
I is left with only L and A and R.