We missed our exit on a one way road

I was a puppet
Handing over strings
I loved you
You never cared much

Why am I always at the door?
These feet were made
For threshholds
These lips for silence..

Been breathing air
Polluted with freedom
We are all selfish
In the pursuit of it..

I loved you
You never cared much
I went looking
And life is such

When we fall, we break..

I died trying to build my pieces
Into a different form..

The thing is though,
I loved you when I was whole
Even more so in pieces..
The thing with freedom is
It must be given as it is taken.

I know time doesn't stop
When we want it to
never accepted love
I didn't have to beg for
Now you say
You don't want more
But I play
The worn tape once more
I break my own hurt
We don't get the ones we want
Say we learn to love the ones we get
Who wants a love like that,
Cold and unafraid?
Love is a threat, love is a weapon
Don't tell me different
My hands on his body were not enough
It's an enemy we don't understand
Just like that forsaken loop of a tape
Taunting me with images of alternates
Stuff a sock down its proverbial mouth
With eyelids squeezed tightly shut
They never fall for a pure heart
What about one stained black
With dashed hope and excuses to let go
What was it?
Love is a weapon, love is threat
You've taken away
I feel as though I am nothing

Sick of trying
Sick of waiting
Snap it shut
Watch the dust rising
Pick up another
But your page is always marked
Makes me feel
Like a John green girl
you were like
Tyler Knott poetry
That book is closed now..
John green girls are
Irresistibly broken
You were too much to want
Don't think I deserve you
I know my tenses are disjointed
that's how you make me feel
I don't know what I can do
To stop taking you off this shelf
You were always leaving marks
In my dust

You are both the best and the worst person to love unrequited
It's incurable..
Because there's no one
Quite like you.
Your name flashes neon in my head
Washing the walls of my brain
In indescribable color
And I am mesmerized.

I'm sorry to have left you for so long
And before I leave you alone...
I think I must point out...
That you've called yourself dumb and stupid and everything inbetween
And you've been lying....
I don't know how to help you....
Be kind to yourself....
You're amazing
Why didn't you call me?
Are you okay?
Just don't do it...
It's not worth it
You'd be surprised
You should be on the other end of some of your.....
I've said too much
I don't mind
Just come home safe
Why ?
Why have you become mob fuzzy
Right
Don't over think life
[9/1, 23:43]  Trust me

My thoughts form organically
Flowing paths like rivers
The easiest way is down
So down we go
Breath held
And eyes shut
This machine doesn't sleep
Chugging in spirals
blowing off steam
Red lines run through conscious minds
And walls are built around panic triggers
I'm always waiting...
Stave it off for a moment
While I catch my breath
Strive to deal chronologically
But sequences are only patterns
And those are fabrics of being
I am what I am
I've only started seeing..

I'm just tired, you know?
Boxed in, believing in "no"
The world don't listen when i say go
but wants to go faster when i say slow.
this rhyme seems tired already
four lines in...
i wanted to be meaningful
but im disastrously unravelling
a beautiful mess of a metaphor
for the state i feel stuck in
hoping for some life
to come out of death
everything has slowed down
i cant seem to see past scarred eyes
that see no more
than tarnished memories
i started out with purpose
but its just no..
you know?
and could bes that'll never be.

I would rip all the doors
From their rusty hinges
I would scale those walls
That you built around you
take down my own..
Nothing compares to you
In this breath..
In this shiver
Running down my spine
Nothing compares...
For you, I would

I was hoping that today
Wouldn't be our end

Hands on waist
Thrown over shoulders
One stumbles backward
The other forward
Walk unsteady
We talk all heady
Lost in you
A hundred times over
I'd choose you

I was hoping today
Wouldn't be our end..

I'm going to live on the beach
And I'll be happy forever

I love the smell of that oil
the one I rub in your hair
the one that clings to my hands
and to my skin
slowly seeping in
I can almost hear it.....
nestle in my molecules
becoming
becoming you.

I love the sound of that door
the one that scrapes
on the hardwood floor
the one that announces me
and lets me in slow..ly
I can almost see it
lodging in my brain.
becoming,
becoming you.

I love the taste of that lavender
the one that we killed...
the one that clung to your breath
and to your fingertips
delicate
I can almost smell it
settle in my bones...
becoming,
becoming you.

i saw you in my dream
both you and i knew you were gone
we stayed out all day and you bought an abstract wall
you winked knowingly because
"what am i gonna need the money for"
i heard you think..
in that moment, you said the best and the worst goodbye
i truly knew that when i woke up, you'd always be gone
you were sad, you smiled though..
you knew and came back
one last goodbye
you knew you were shot
and i didn't get there in time.
i've slept in your bed ever since
no matter what i do
you haven't come back since

Breathing seems hard
I stitch the leather
That covered my skin
The day I almost died
I watch my skin purple
As it bruises over mistakes
Read words penned
Only shadow brings light
I crave one for the other..
A little death for a little life.

Thumbs describe paths and words are spoken
Say over, trace back, to where it forked
Like a devil's tongue in an angel's mouth
Go left, go right, take no path into that good night
Make no apologies for planned mistakes
For as roosters crow and bells toll
I swear no allegiance to who I was
Breathing slow and talking soft
Hope comes not swiftly but deliberately
As you say to me, I say to you...
And hold promised time like flowing water
But it beats a great pair of wings
And words not said become lost..

when will it be over
this arbitrary struggle
and longing to belong
still to distinguish
oneself from the rubble
of a crumbling world?

putting out a half-smoked cigarette
think to cut the cord
curling up in blue sheets
think to make it stop

a love was torn from me
merciless nonchalance

i am that rock
falling still identical
the rubble of a crumbling world

Thousands of beads of rain fall
Never sinking into the right grounds
As hordes of seeds of thoughts die
Never really losing you
Never really keeping you

Impulses received as afterthoughts
I'm the person you deserve
When the door closes behind you

Were the crafted seconds to be
It would take but one for you to see
These hardened layers through
It takes just one to believe

Time passes
Seconds turn to years
The silence is beautiful
blanketing all
Like snow choking out all that's living
But glistening like gems in the light
This soul nestled inside the same bones

Yours..

Empty, dripping faucets
See color everywhere but here
Airwaves, stolen words
Feels a little better now..
She plans to ruin it all..
Don't you know?
She'd push you lest you fall
Sees today pink and hot
Through eyelids closed
No thunder could rip that veil
You're barely a whisper
Scratching the surface
Of a sun waiting to explode
On winds that will wail
For a moon that was her sister
a mumble couldnt replace
And This life Will be an ode
To it's own destructive rebirth
Clutching her in both hands
As thunder echoes her name

Can anyone feel I need someone?
Will the darkness sink
Like clouds of sand in the ocean?
I need to be told
I'll be okay
But everyone left
Because I told them to
They wanted love
All I could give
Was attention.
Is there a way to be alright?
I'm broken in ways
That can't be described..
What do you call a person
Who started reading poetry
To understand what life should feel like?
I'm sure there's a category..
What I wouldn't give
To unring that bell..
Are there words that can be said
To make this darkness sink
Like clouds of sand?

Where do you draw the line
Between faith
And delusions of grandeur?

"None of this is now"
predetermined..
Name and skin like hers
We flow like rivers of words
Just a notch above her belt

Yet an idea of perfection
Clung onto..
Do you call that faith or delusion?
Acceptance akin to a betrayal of self
A hedonistic negligence of good sense..

He falls and I follow
I've got a safety net
But he'll definitely break
So I go after him

Predestination sits not well
On A creature of choice and control
Queries and misgivings
Don't make it any less real
But I'll forever question
If the choice was ever mine at all..

Does a believer's love
not contest the democracy
Allowed by chance?

It still remains that I can't explain

Falling on a whim
Of a delusional net
Where breaking
Is an inevitability..

My eyes burn
Out of focus
Trying to wrap
Thoughts in form.

You felt familiar,
Like an old lover.
My body and mind
found another,
As did yours..
But I find that I stand
Close to you.
Too close....
I see smoke in those eyes
Maybe there's a fire
You haven't quite learned
to put out..
The day you said there was none
I've never felt so heavy
On a rooftop, small and discarded
She said you were too afraid
To set the forest ablaze
And I...
For a moment..
I was running after you,
turning back..

But if you wanted me,
You would have found me.

I don't know if I can forget you
Not when I still see that smoke
You pretend doesn't exist

You were both my world and it's destruction
But your eyes, there's nothing there
A glare that's grown colder and more wary
And you ask me, why don't you stay?
My stare has grown shorter and more angry
I ask you, what is there to save?

Loving you was like floating
On a twisting empty sea
Land in sight but out of reach..
I should have known
Your eyes were fixed
on a different horizon.

I breathe a little better
With paint under my fingernails
Than with words on my lips

I got tired of seeing a reflection
That was too true
Sometimes rose filters
Make the world seem a little warmer..

This doesn't rhyme or flow
But thoughts rarely do
What I'm saying is
When I can't sleep,
I won't be thinking of you..

It's the hour of light
Windows to the soul
curtains are drawn
Shapes on them
Casting characters
Seconds when you wake up
'fore dreams rot to reality
Incandescent
Ghosts dance in memory
Catching breaths
One too many
Strings always snap
Puppets break
Like shattering illusions
I'm left holding
Pieces of you
That never existed

Doesn't seem to matter
Where this road leads
we believe in angels
But With shadows, we plead
To flip the switch
Turn off the guilt.

Our feet smell of beer
our hair of cigarettes
They don't judge us
we judge ourselves
For treading the beaten path
And even the sky fills with ash
Blocking out the angels
we thought we were

Somewhere in there
Through lashes that imprison light,
I painted scars, Where skin never broke.
It was a stifling work of empty
I wanted to breathe nothing less,
nothing else.

promise...
not to take away the pain,
if I do not hate the rain,
then what do I have?

I develop
an aversion To being alone
A penchant for tinted glass
an affinity to poetry

I say "I'm finding yourself"
But I'm really running away
From the things, I let go
But they never went far.

promise...
not to let go of the pain,
if I do not hate the rain,
then what do I have?

the tarmac becomes fascinating
the way my shoes look against it
you can love the feather, obsess over her
i felt your heart dance to the feather's beat..
made something grow inside me
you light up,
the sky falls, mixes with my yellow skin
I'm green..
you pick her up, swing her around
suddenly, i feel like a prisoner
i cant stop watching, cant stop thinking
but the sun is shining and i cant start crying
four walls and locked doors aren't safe enough
i'll never be free....

God i've tried to let you go

Let's not fade too fast
From white through to black
In the space between
where palms breathe quiet touch
the fabric of being
Soft, slow and steady
Pulse, heat, electric
won't put a clock on becoming
Life is not sand, held by gravity
We are freefall, we are infinite
"Lets not fade too fast, too sudden"
Said the comma to the colon
turning to the last inked leaf
Before those that fall into place
writer to watcher
Walking on tightropes
Rooted feet do not fall too far
Come walk this crooked line
Let it bow under weight
Inching further to see
What it'll take to snap

I write sometimes
Of the monster I've become
And there
in the highway of pages
I find comfort
In counting mile markers
Each marking how far I fall
Setting sail for denial
Fill my sails with a liar's breath..
In the morning when I wake,
I'll rub a blind man's sleep from my eyes
Reciting a hypocrite's creed
Believing it..

So I loved you the same
Underneath the foggy stars
Your stripes burned into my skin
The first time I touched heaven
And I loved you
Though I taught myself not to
When you said nothing
To my wells of everything
I loved you the same
'neath flashing neon lights
Thumping baselines and breathing
that icy veneer you claim is care
I see it now, but I love you the same

They say I'm crazy but how can they know
Time's moving faster but oh, they're so slow
Sleeping when they could be running with wolves
Open your eyes before the clock won't stop

You better
Lock the doors and turn the lights out
Close your ears to the voices in your head
There's walls that don't need breaking
But you turn the key, one more time

After the clouds have turned into rain
I stay in this t-shirt soaked to the skin
Shaking where I Stand for fear I'll come loose
The moon's painting shadows on my pallid skin

What'll it take?
To say you'll ache
For this open road?
What'll it take
To lose your mind just once?

Lock your door, turn your lights out
Close your ears to the voices in your head
These walls don't need breaking

When you stare long enough in the mirror
You start to think
the light doesn't fall quite right
You start to see the ugly things
You wonder if you are loved
In spite of or because of
It's not just lines or curves or surfaces
It's thoughts and memories and feelings
The things you let go
But they never went far..

Medusa's eyes your own
Turning you into stone
As you try to look away

You develop an aversion
To being alone
A penchant for tinted bottles
And an affinity to poetry

You say "you're finding yourself"
But you're really running away
From the things you let go
But they never went far.

When words are said
Censored thoughts
And I drown in moments
You barely remember

This state of mind
Is a house I built
I made you a key
You said you'd take
But wouldn't use

Do I stay in this house
Or do I leave?
Do I walk away
Or burn it to the ground?

that line from that song
"maybe you could've been
something I'd be good at"
resounding when I close the door
seeing you around every corner
my brain keeps screaming no
you've been burned before
But I still see you
and it's always empty
after the 90 degree.
it didn't end, it stopped
I'd take flames over ice...

Love you in a way
You can't possibly understand
Impermanent like an artist's charcoal
Always present always changing shape
Staining and marring, yet making clear
That which you think but cannot say
And I find comfort in the cryptic
If you can find your way through
I'll see you on the other side

That moment when you're scrolling through your phone and you realise you are utterly alone and all you want to do is cry for no reason or have someone tell you it's alright and it'll pass but there is literally no one you can tell about how you feel because you have no justification to feel that way.. am I alright?
Am I making this up?
So I stuff it down, I can think it away..
I just noticed I'm using different voices
Now I'm freaking out about that
****** how did this start?
Where's the ******* door?

all to run away
All toward to run
Destructive spirals
Ride them ever on
and all the way down
Take the bus with me
Spinning slowly
Out of orbit
Ever away, Ever toward
You're my toxic medicine..

The pain draws you nearer
Won't need me
If I don't need fixing
I feel like I'm going to
Have to keep running
Towards the edge
So you can keep
Pulling me back
From it..
Do I have to cast myself
Into the storm
So we can dance in the rain?
Do I have to jump
So we can fly?

Wear all the pretty candy colours
Transparent eyes behind
Swinging Rainbow braids
I try to wear life
Death is eating me alive
There is no hiding
The storm always
Waiting in the wings
Underneath which
I thought I was safe
I was after all the eagle's child
Marked in blue ink on his shoulder
Leaning on walls thousands have leaned on
How many tears have these mirrors seen?
Flick those stormy eyes upward
The brown watered down
Like a second coffee from the same grounds..
Do they see how dark the world has become?
Planting one foot in front of the other
Grey sneakers through rainbow braids
I hold onto the sound, its sanity..
Everything else feels
Like im being held underwater

I would very much like to be strung along
would love to be your target practice
Wouldn't mind being hurt by you
It's all better than nothing

there was never enough you
to make up for me
i got tangled in the web of lines
that run down your palm

This is one for the one I haven't met
It will all click and fall into place
Forces will mold
Broken pieces will be rebuilt
Eyes will see
Hearts will feel
And mouths will speak
Of all the joys to behold
When lips will touch
Hearts will beat
Eyes will shut
Broken spirits will be scattered
As the forces mold
You and I into stars of space
Like them, it takes a few light years
To see our magic

try to tear myself away
from this rudimenta...

backspace, keep thinking...
not good enough.

he..
no you cant say that
you're a strong woman..

when do i get to be weak
and unreasonable?
when do i get to be the broken one?

the bells toll my turn for insanity

Clearly,
There's something wrong with me..
Don't know what I did
To have such rotten luck in love..
I tried, I tried.. I tried
But they're all hurt or they don't care..
I'm as alone as I've ever been.
Whoever you are, better come along
Before I destroy myself
Piece by piece
Trying to fit these puzzles
That supposedly make sense
I don't believe, I don't believe
It's hard to look okay
When everything inside you
Is screaming you're all wrong
you're not strong or brave or patient
You're just a pathetic coward
Holding onto people
Who clearly do not love you..
Pushing away the ones that do..
So whoever you are, do you see?
I need you to show up
Before all this
becomes who I am..

I can't take it, I can't, I just can't
I tried, I tried, I really did try.

She says hellos laced with laughter
Like ice cubes in whisky
Punctuated with silence
gave it to a wolf
Because the sheep wanted not
For smoke stained lips
And embroidered skin
Drenched in sweat
And the smell of strangers
Deer running with wolves
Doe eyes hidden under
Rainbow ray bans
a world of frayed conversation
yarn that needed to be burned
A fire to cure all guitar strings
To fuse the seams of broken hearts.

Just crawling through the barbed wire
The pieces inside me ache
I can't help but crave the misery

I'm frantically scratching your name on a beer can..
Trace my fingers over the dents
'cause I can't see you in the darkness

Can't shake the feeling this is all wrong
Because it isn't you
I'm not partial to self harm
But I cut away the pieces he loves
Because you don't

I'm begging God for you..
I don't want to survive you....

like sunsets and sunrises
The places where dark meets light
Their beautiful backs turned
As one washes over the other
Clashing at the horizon,
Always out of reach
To put my hand against the seam
To feel what holds you together
To see you in art
To hear you in music
To read you in poetry
I am quite convinced
You are magic