I walked up to the edge an you pushed me

Is she the flower I seek?
Or the season I'd want to live in..

Is she the star I yearn?
Or the sky where I'd reflect upon..

Is she the light that prevails?
Or the shadow I'd sneak in..

Is she the virtue?
Or the piles of sin I am drenched with..

Perhaps she is but my missing part,
Or maybe.. mere my reflection!

How am I still holding on?
Wasting my time
When I know you've gone

I still drift back to younger days
I wasted my time over you
I tried to understand, I failed

You stayed with me up until I realised,
you were gone.
You were never mine.

I saw you the other day
I was sat in a café people watching
I saw you, I watched you.

I ached for you, for me, for the past
For regrets, missed opportunities, failed declarations
Realisation that together we were friends, almost more.

In a crowd we were separate beings
Societal dictats stood in place, never to be questioned.
I watched you in the crowd from the café

Watched you looking my way
Steam from my latte bringing a haze to my eyes
Oh how many nights I cried for you.

Wanting you, needing you,
hurting inside for you, denying others "just in case"
You denied me then I deny you now.

Stay in the locked box deep in my soul
Memories in a woman's heart
can never be stolen or forgotten.

I left the café with an ache
Turned the corner, felt your stare
Then, saw my husband standing there.

To him I moved my wheelchair forward
To him I kissed my ache away
To him I will always stay

I turned for a final glance
Looked at you standing in the drizzle
You stared not at me, but the chair.

Realisation shone on your face
Confusion clouded those eyes
I am her, but not now.

Your height, your hair, your brown eyed stare
You're all that I remembered and more.
21 years have spun away, as did I that day.

Sometimes the absence of the face helps us to look inside the soul.

She gets lost within the depths of her thoughts and mind ? Always asking herself questions. Why has life and people been so unkind. How can they not understand she is not the same woman from even just a year ago or from 3 years ago . Her life took a road that changed her from the inside out and her life that she thought she once knew. Now she stands everyday looking at a woman she does not know with scars she did not inflict and those she did; all because she wanted to be beautiful and thought if only. They tell her she looks fine but how can they understand that she longs to be unseen. The battle that exists within her own blood and bones is never ending. Her own voice and heart tell her to surrender or run but the outcome will remain the same and as will her fate be unchanged . She holds onto hope that gives her a reason to want to believe that her existence was not just a waste. She bows her head droplets of tears are the only sound heard upon the floor , lifting her head she again looks into
Her eyes, filled with so much hollow darkness how can anyone see beyond and Into her soul. She awakes everyday not knowing; is today the day? Going through the motions , trying hard with her facade , when asked she says she is okay. Yes they have been fooled, another scar appears if only she can change herself with each new one then maybe just maybe she would not despise herself so. Can't you see she has grown tired of this journey and wants to leave and go to a sanctuary where if all this confusion would disappear maybe she would fall asleep and finally awake, feeling the weight lifted with each step; as you watch from a distance ; She slowly vanishes.
© 2015 cherry rose

If you do not walk upon this rocky road. Instead you roll your eyes and walk away not even trying to open your heart and see what is inside her, And the battle going on inside not only her mind but her body and heart.

Standing back silently watching you deal the deck of cards , sadly my heart aches because you think that I am not aware of what game your playing! What you don't realize is through your immaturity controlling your self centered selfish mind; is I created the game. In the end instead of looking like a winner you have already lost , look into your own heart and tell me what you feel and see? Do you see that karma coming back at you with the exact same game you played but you are the one left holding the jokers, while I folded and even if it broke my heart I knew when to walk away from foolish childish games. The tears I shed were for you because your heart and soul are too blind and selfish always wanting to use others to serve a purpose for your personal gain. With this one day I hope you realize that hearts and others are not your marionettes and will tire of you and your game. Life is to precious to be used in your games. I folded ; game over!
© cherry rose 2015