for I want you to be happy
the anxiety
She brings upon you
angers me.
For you deserve
Clarity
And a clear conscious

missing you
or missing the memories.
The loving looks,
the long nights,
the never ending drives.
I miss your attention
our daily check ins
our "step by step".
But something
interrupted my love
for you.
I still don't know what
why
or how.

It's too easy to talk to you
you know me
you know my emotions

embarrassment
for going to ask for the things i need
walking into a center for disabled students
makes me think somethings wrong with me
but its okay to ask for help
it's powerful it's brave it's encouraging
it's what i need to do to take care of myself

my younger self as i age
i notice the pattern of growing fonder of myself
I love me.
little me deserves the world
and so does the woman i am today.
I will continue to work on loving myself
wholeheartedly with all my flaws

trying to find the right way
to want to do this but I don't think there is
a right way to want to do this but i don't think
there is a right way to most things.
so
Very deeply I've been feeling the urge to confront you
about a multitude of things
But i've also felt myself pull away from the idea
because i'm not a confrontational person.
You've hurt me in many ways which I've made clear already,
but yet I've gotten no apology
which tells me you're not sorry and you don't care.
Maybe you do, you tell me you do
but your actions are way louder than your words in my ears.
I'm not gonna be here for you anymore
I need to call you on your ******* cuz you give me way 2 much
of it.
I want to believe you and usually do but I don't anymore.

people change i get it
that's not an excuse to be ******
not to the one who gave and gave
but got a mirage instead to spare their feelings.
say it how it is

ur muddling me stepping on me
hoping for reconnection and closure
loose promises

seeping in all the crevices
reconnection
he's like a sickness I can't sleep off
but the warmth he shows
pulls me in like before.

how i resort to self medication
it helps my brain calm down
when i'm in overdrive.
the sun rises
and i recognize
the consequences of my actions.
it could be worse
One last pic and I'll be home
I'll be dead by dawn.
i don't want to continue this way
hand cuffed to the vices
I want better for myself
my therapist has seen me twice this week
yet i feel like I'll see her soon