I smoke and I think. I lament and I drink.

I tell myself in a few months it'll be someone else's name; and I tell myself that name will bring about a contrasting feeling to what yours brings me now

I lie to myself

But still I act surprised when your name stumbles through every corridor of my mind, opening every door and sabotaging every room - yet still finding nothing   inside my intellect appealing to renovate into something beautiful.

I clean up the rooms, I tighten lock the doors, I set alarms but none of it stops you from breaking in and destroying everything again.

I rebuild stronger each time and when I think I've finally locked you out and I think you've given up, you carefully pick each lock and you decimate everything again, leaving nothing beautiful for anyone else that passes by to relish, forcing them to leave without any interest of coming back.

Why the **** are you doing this to me?

You've been incarcerated in my subconscious and you long to escape.
And I won't let you.

So you destroy everything in your sight hoping the destruction will force me to set you free. But darling, I've lost the key to the only entrance of my mind and I don't have the strength to break open the gates myself until I've rebuilt everything I've allowed you to destroy.

I continue to lie to myself

Time with you feels like travelling through a never ending tunnel
one that brims with uncertainty and complete darkness
I never know what to expect from your pace and direction
nor do I feel the existence (any longer) of (if any) connection

I feed on the minute glimpse of sunlight that creeps ahead
Stay my love, stay with me, you plead
because you know this is a one way track
and there really is no turning back

We twist, we turn
We crash, and we burn
We crave, and we yearn
We lose, and we learn

I guess no matter where this takes us
I have you, and you, me
someday love will wrap around and blanket us instead
and our bodies will bath in the light ahead

Today I saw you as you.
I saw everything about you.
I studied you.
I attempted to understand you.

I shift my eyes away from yours
diverting them to your ears
the ears that listened to my incessant cries
and heard my foolish fears

I move down to your mouth
which spoke to me only kind words
and also incompetently mimic the chirping
Of Abyssinian lovebirds

I scan over your honey-olive arm
and the smoothness of your skin
which, for warmth, among other things
I seek refuge in

I hung my head earthward
giving attention to your feet
the ones that brought you far and wide
just to let us meet

You call my name.
I glance back up and look you in the eye
those eyes were now blank and cold
I could not see you anymore, but I still try.

Am I just another eight digits in your mobile phone?
Am I just a single thought when you’re sad and alone?
Am I just another drop of water in the shower
Or am I just that tiny piece of cake you devour?

Sometimes you make me feel like I’m all eight digits, added up.
Sometimes you make it seem like I’m all you ever think about.
Sometimes you make me rain on you with strong gushes of water
and sometimes I feel like the whole cake you devour.

But more importantly, most of the time, I am really just…….

an unfortunate another.

You push through the crowd
and stand right in front of me
your palms up and your eyes
glistening with tears. Even after
all these years, our love
has grown until it has reached
it's breaking point.

Our love broke the Richter scale and
shattered my life to pieces.

My life, without *you.

There is not much
I can provide you with
other than short poems
& flowers that wither

But when I see the sun rays
crash against the back of your head
carefully tracing your silhouette
I know I never want you to leave my bed

with lips stained from cheap shiraz
a creak is forcefully spread
your heart isn’t made of topaz
and water is not all you tread

with lungs burnt from red cigarettes
you gasp for air with so much difficulty
with feelings that remain uncertain
you crave to be of a different entity

oh but with a broken heart
that desperately yearns to be repaired
my love, you can’t think straight
much less have time to regret

You rob me of all my energy,
desolating my little sanctity
You rob me of all my energy,
leaving me with nothing but misery

I foolishly built a home in your soul
because I mistook comfort for security
I painstakingly withstood the chagrin
yet you repay me with your folly

Your mouth is a gun
The words you spew fly like bullets
in no time they crush my bones tidy
They exterminate every bit of life in my body

At the end of it all
I am left with nothing
I feel naked
like a mole rat in spring

But I clothe myself with
assurance and confidence
everyday I mask myself with false mirth
I pretend
I pretend
I pretend
and will continue to
until the very end

I take you in, I swallow you whole,
In hope that you would heal me
Wrong move, I realise
How could I not see

My blood surges to my face
I start to feel sick
I’m not unfamiliar with this pace
I need a slap to my cheek

I begin to sense
Your side effects, they knock me off
They bring out the worst in me,
They make me cry, and bleed, and cough

What is happening
My hands, they succumb to numbness
I can’t feel your skin on mine
For your touch, I voraciously thirst

This is absurd
It is addictive, threatening, and taboo
I am losing myself
But that doesn’t matter

because
**I lost you