Please help me.
I am trapped in my mind, my pain and my morals.
To Go:
The suffering would end.
A cold needle would not be needed five times a day to relieve the throbbing pain in my arms,
my legs,
my chest,
my fingers,
my heart.
I could rest and sleep and allow my mind to float in the sweet, soft abyss of subconsciousness.
My god, to just sleep peacefully.
I’ve never been an earth woman, but somewhere along the line the smell of freshly cut grass and dirt deep beneath the ground became more alluring than the sterile, overwhelming scent that fills every hallway of this ******* hospital.
The thought of being subject to more years of this endless pain shatters the strings of my heart and makes me want to rip these tubes out of my arms and throw them so deep into the ocean that they float amidst the Titanic’s remains.
Sometimes, in my brief hours of tender rest, I feel myself drifting away, and truth be told I crave those moments.
To feel light, carefree; not dragged down by the weight of carrying death everywhere I go. Everywhere that I can go, that is.
Sickness grips me, snakes around my neck; constricts. Swirls through my ears down to my toes, engulfs me into the shadows. But the darkness is inviting, naughty eyes and tempting smiles.
“You know you want to,” the voices whisper.
“Come with us, be free”
Free.
Floating around the clouds, oh the fresh air that does not reach my lungs anymore. Instead; sterile, clean, hygienic, air, burning my mouth and nose with each breath.
I never thought I would crave the feeling of being *****.
But now, ***** water in the sink after dinner, sneezing children, grimy public park benches; it all just sound so real and full of life.
I was dead a long time ago, so why should my lungs keep breathing?
To Stay:
The angel perched on my left shoulder screams at me. How dare you be so selfish to think of yourself! Think of the family and the kids and work.
To stay means to see sweet, young Joanna graduate, have boyfriends, get married! How could I leave her?
And Peter. Oh Peter, to leave him would be a sin not even the Lord himself has discovered. Maybe I sometimes cannot feel when he kisses my forehead, and maybe I lash out when the pain becomes unbearable, but oh god I love him.
23 years of marriage; 8 of those spent confided to a wheelchair or, better yet, hospital bed.
Little Joanna struggles enough for her innocent mind to fathom that her mother is sick. I doubt that even three oceans of alcohol could bring me to release the words that would break her pure heart, should I choose to end my life.
The devastation of being unable to bring more beautiful lives into this world has been hard enough, and so I cannot imagine leaving my only child on this earth alone.
Morning cuddles with Peter, and Joanna squished in between us would no longer be. This is the only warmth I feel these days. And maybe those small moments of warmth are enough to fight away endless cold.
Oh so patient is Peter. Holds me when I cry, kisses me when I scream at him. To lose him, to give up when we’ve come so far, would be detestable of me.
Joanna is so young.
Wide-eyed and oblivious, she is alive.
She jumps and climbs and cries when she falls but does it all again the next day. I am envious of that. Oh to be young and clueless.
Warmth.
As hard as it gets, the feeling of a heartbeat next to mine and the soft brushing of skin next to one another is enough to keep my faith in life.
Human connection is precious.
Life is precious and I see that in Joanna’s eyes and Peter’s smile and the nurse’s kind hands and my mother’s sad smile and the way the husband of the old woman next door brings her flowers every Tuesday and my gosh, aside from my suffering, the world is beautiful, and perhaps I just forget that when I am blinded by the constant pain.
Maybe, just maybe there is hope for me.
Please help me.
I am trapped in my mind.