Staring at a pole that reminds me of you.
And panic attacks. Her.
With your hand on her bare thigh.
My heartbeat quickening, eyes burning wet.
Escape. Tiny. White. Numb. Calm.
You don't see.
You don't know.
You're killing me.
That should be me.
Walk away, in silence.
Hurting. Alone.
It's over.
Months ago.
Let go.

loved you once
love you still
always have
always will

I walk down a cold clouded
winter street. Pure silence.
Not a single house light
is on. Except One.
"Who could be up at
such an hour?" I slowly approach.

I peak inside and the house
is empty. Completely empty.
But then i see a man
sitting in a recliner, the only thing left.
And here He sits and wonders
all night in the dark, dim light.
Where have i gone wrong?

The cold nips at my feet but
curiosity warms them up quickly.
I wait. Wait and watch.
Silently from darkness.
He pulls out a picture from
his chair and now i know.
It's a women, the tears slowly and surely
stream down his face. Heart in ruin.
The life they built, no more.. gone in a single day

I turn and walk away. Away from my home
Here i leave my father alone. In his misery
I let him sit.

i am not a diamond with a fatal flaw
i hold no fire
No awe or mystery has been brought to light by blood
in me

i am not finely carved and polished wood
i do not mull my scars
The burns have not been caked by thoughts of time

i am not green
i am not gold
not plastic (i think)
not sound nor shriek
not a breeze
not paint or clay

i am porcelain
Cold that contains warmth
memory and reservation
i have cracks that never change

I'm sorry
That I text you
At four a.m.
When
I
Can't
Breathe
Because of
Anxiety attacks.

I'm sorry that
I can't make serious phone calls
Or order at Subway
Around the corner,
Even though I know
I like thinly sliced turkey
And chipotle dressing.

I'm sorry that
I forget things like
Birthdays and middle names
And I'm sorry
That I don't know how to
Kiss.

I'm sorry
That you think
When I don't take a compliment
I'm fishing for you
To keep going,
Because in my rotting skull
That option
Isn't even possible.

I'm sorry.
So sorry.
That if you're
Nice to me
I will never
Ever
Believe you
Actually like me.

Curled up beside me
Sweet yet fierce
Swift and clever
Maybe even wise
What secrets does she know
How is she always at the door
Whenever I come home
Why does she always choose
That moment when I most need
To decide to curl up, head on my leg
How did she know I needed her now?

A half completed hotel comes down around

a hollow bastion of silence and peace.



How rare silence is; how preciously finite

like all the good things.

Like wine and cherries and orchids

and any combination of the three.



My father and I used to climb mountains

to experience a silent so absolute that

you had to hold your breath

because it was making too much noise.

A silence so complete that

you can hear the trees grow.



But the hotel is crashing down

around my ears so clamorous and horrid

leaving me alone freezing in the cold

rubble and ruins surrounding me listening

to the cars pass by on the interstate.



How quickly stained glass breaks.

It's two am
and the thoughts consume me
the thoughts of you
are pulsing through my head
Just like my heart beats for you

For you, forever
Or at least that's how it's supossed to be.
Clearly things change,
but you're still all I see
your face in my eyes
your touch in my dreams

I'll forever think of you
and what we used to be.


(a.f.c)