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xmxrgxncy Aug 2018
just because i've finally got a handle on life doesn't mean i can go back and redeem what i've lost.
but just so you know, i'm a different person.
whoever you are. even if you're just the void. someone has to know.
i know now what it feels like to talk to someone to victimizes herself in every situation, who pushes off her pain onto someone else, who looks to you to make decisions then blames you for them later.
i know that girl, now.
it's an out of body experience.
and hell, i get it now.
*******.
i can't believe you were able to stand me.
and good on you for not.
so void, black hole of nothingness, ask them. ask me.
i've ******* changed.
and you know what's even better? i don't need your validation, and not in a rude way.
i'm just finally here to validate myself instead of stealing it from your bruised lips.
because i'm me and i'm strong and i'm here if you need me.
but if not?
i'll be okay.
and it feels so ******* good to say that i don't need to worry anymore.
so call if you need me. hang up if you don't.
kind of a note to someone? i dunno. it just feels so empowering to not be who i was, the person who messed so many friendships and lives up. i'm in control and it honestly is so liberating. so i'm here for you and will open up anytime. but if not, wish ya the best XD
xmxrgxncy Aug 2018
my roommate told me i was talking in my sleep
again
when i woke up i checked my phone and was surprised to see that the messages we had exchanged weren't actually there
i had a ******* dream about you last night
it felt so real i could almost feel your eyes on me as i laid in bed wondering what the hell could have caused it
for the first time in a while i have my **** together
and now i just keep waiting for that dream to be reality
don't blame me for checking
i've got nothing to lose
hah.
xmxrgxncy Jul 2018
it's no small wonder, watching birds learn to fly.

there's a small nest on the ledge outside my dorm window, and the chirping of the mothers wakes me up on the earliest of days. i'd be lying if i said i was overjoyed at the occurence, especially on the days when i have early class.
but then came the babies.

like me, they were cold and afraid in a completely new environment.
like me, they were scared to death of every person walking by.
like me, they had no clue how to fly.
but like me, they learned.

i live somewhere else now, and still get woken up by the birds. i can't help but wonder sometimes if they're the babies that learned to fly on the ledge outside my room around the same time that i did, stroke by wobbly stroke through the turbulent air. it's amazing how much they've grown. i'm so proud of them.

likewise, i'm proud of myself. i made it through the first year of college-bad grades, no friends, drama, and adjusting to being by myself a lot was a really hard transition. once i left the nest, that was it. and it was terrifying. but i've learned to fly since those days, and despite a badly paying job, no friends in the area, and being down on myself, i'm still hovering above the ground. that's no small accomplishment.

it's no small wonder, watching birds learn how to fly.
college narrative, i guess. it's crazy how things have come full circle, and how i've begun to look back on high school and miss what good experiences i had there(even though a lot about college is fantastic). i had blocked it and the people involved out of my mind for so long that i had almost forgotten how hard of a career high school was. while i'm glad it's over, it's interesting looking back on it from a mature perspective. i made so many bad choices. i can only hope the way i'm living now remedies those choices as best as they can. living holding onto grudges and old hurt is the hardest thing i had to learn to let go of, but it can only make your entire life toxic. and i'm still growing.
xmxrgxncy Jul 2018
we all just hide behind the facade of a screen when reality
you're just down the road, really

did you ever stop to wonder what could've become if i hadn't been an idiot, if situations hadn't arisen, if we had all been stronger?

you never realize how crazy growing up is until it slaps you in the face and i wish someone had taught me how to before i had to learn myself
and i wish you had been here to help me through it and so that i could help prepare you so that you didn't have to go through what i did

i still wish i could protect you, even though i know you don't need protection
it's funny, really, how things have changed so much that they've come full circle
and we're back to the people that we were before
and back here

but really, who's to say we haven't been shrews this whole time, who's to say that you haven't totally forgotten? everything was forgiven anyways

but even though i forgive i never forget. not the good times, nor the bad. not the smiles, not the panic attacks, none of it.

so perhaps i'm the most gilded shrew out of all of us
trying to convince myself that i'm gold covered
when i'm really not
xmxrgxncy Jul 2018
am i the only one who routinely checks to see if you've come back
to see if perhaps that was all a two year long nightmare and everything is okay?
i hope not but i know so.
xmxrgxncy Jul 2018
She sat. And she waited.
The crowds were about to roar themselves into existence within the thin blue air next to her, but that did not cause her to fear.
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