... Thumpthump, thumpthump. 1st thump, beats so hard it rips out of your chest cavity. Into the hand of your partner. For a second your life is in the palm of their hands. You can’t live without them. Breathe without them. 2nd thump, beats so hard it pushes back into your chest cavity. Given back from the hand of your partner. For a second your life is back, heart where it belongs. But this time it doesn’t fit quite right. You need stitches. You receive scars. You can feel your blood pumping, again. But it’s never quite the same. Your partner didn’t borrow your heart. There was no “return with care” label. No library books with due dates and late fees. Only torn pages from too many hands. The crease, broken. Ink smudged from spilled coffee during too many shared mornings. The pages still in tact, but they don’t fit quite right. How do I know this time it will be different?
But here I am.
I lay before you the formula of an overbeating heart. Thumpthump, thumpthump. 1st thump, beats so hard. when I see you. when i feel you. when i think of you. I rip it out of my chest cavity. I beg for you to take it. Scraps and bruises. It hurts to rip it out. Hurts worst for it to stay in. Give me gluten free pancakes. Avocado with lime. Morning, afternoon, night ***. Meetings with toilet seats after too much to drink. Crying over life. Me crying over you crying over life. Late night pleads when the bed feels empty. Spotify playlists, the millennial version of mixed tapes. 2nd thump, beats so hard you can’t hold it anymore. Slips out of your hand. Bright red blood smears. I try and scrape it off the floor. Too much. Too late. Try and fill my empty cavity with. Kisses. Sorrys.
But here I am.
This is the part when medusa turned me to stone. This is the part when jack the ripper follows me home. This is the part when the mirror on the wall says the prettiest of all is you. I am the queen who stalks you through the glass. I am the queen who gets jealous when you hold hands with another girl. I am the queen who hid from the king to see the princess. I am the queen you run away from. I am the queen who wears a disguise just so you notice me. I am the queen who gave you the poisonous apple. I was the one who was suppose to kiss you. I am the queen who lead you to your one true love.

Lately I have been hanging your voice on my wall.
It came in ten different frames,
and I spent hours adjusting them
until they hugged the wall at the perfect angle,
their gilded bodies pressing against painted emptiness,
whitewashed space.

And when I feel nostalgia
twining around my veins like wild ivy,
I only need to reach out and –

“Hello. My name is –“
“Hello. My name –“
“Hello. (Stop.) My. (Stop.) Name. (Stop.) Is. (Stop.)”
“Hellomynameis –“
Do you remember that?
Did you know my hands shook,
that I tripped over words like I do
with miniscule cracks in the sidewalk,
that my heart stuttered
thumpthump thu thump thuuump thumpthumpthump
and how it hasn’t quite been the same ever since?

“I love you.”
“I love (rewind) – love (rewind) – I love (rewind)– love (rewind)– I love you.”
“I love –“
“Iloveyou.”
You thought you could pry me open
and tear down my walls
and then suddenly you did.
It only took three words to start a hurricane in my heart.
Did you ever notice the aftermath,
the broken homes and homeless souls?
I am still rebuilding.

I hammered this one into my soul,
can still feel the echo of your words
pounding away in my bones:
“Goodbye.”
“Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.”
“Good…(clickclickclick)… bye.”

my love, my paramour, my sweet peter pan,
I wish so much to see you again.
your company right now would be oh so sweet,
just like your smile which can
bring all others to defeat.
you have captured my body and soul,
I love,
love, love you with all of my whole.
from the stars and the moon down to my
tiny tippy toes,  
you are my water to my withering rose.
you have stolen my heart from my chest,
no wonder it feels like my heart stops to rest,
thumpthump-thumpthump-thumpthumpthumpthumpthump---
a stop, a pause, a 1,2,3 jump.
off the cliff was the sensation I felt,
when your eyes met mine as my
heart started to melt.
your lips on mine was what I last remember, a
whisper, a hug,
a fire almost burning by a rekindled ember.

waiting weightless
waitless
1/18/15
8:43am

' hand rest chest
thumpthump
thump ''

' that heartbeat is a
metronome of waxing and waning
rhythmic tides and it's an '
everchanging time signature
to my overture overture and '
hand off and unsettle and '
thrown into uncontrolled rubato~ ''

' fizzy brain
spinnin dizzy
spinnin circles
spiral spiral ''

' life over my shoulder
strapped to my back and
I'm flowing like a river
down the elevator ''

' opening down
the seam and out ''
I step and roll heel toe
heel toe '
eyes flick side and side
glass door push open and
box and glass door push open and
push open push open and
open... ''

' cold streets are
the downbeat to sleet '' — '

it's frozen roads going backwards
and I'm going backwards with all my lackwords ''

...slushroadslick. '

I'm returning and leaving
like a medicine wheel spinning
and there's a dead grackle soaking
next to the curb slippery
with toxic runoff... '

...crystal water
melting '

my shoes slide from left
to left and I've up and left and
I'm climbing down the
right side of a staircase
and it's a case and it's a way
that stairway

and that last step
is 9:13am last step flat
and platform dead and
sleepy benches waiting for
the listless waiting
for the waitless ''

' waiting , waiting ''
I hop on and hide... '

the silence is sacred ''
the eyes are averted
and it's one of the
thousand different silences '
it's one of the rumbling ones
but then it's broken and
it's broken by an angry one '
and we're all alone in a railcar
with seven others, we're all alone
and she breaks it, ' she breaks it by
spilling angry nothings into the phone
that she pushes tightly to her skull '
and she grips it and she breaks it and '
and she breaks it and '
I hop off and run...

and once again I'm a
thousand different faces waiting '
but right now we're two
watching watching the
hopping sparrow ' and
it is so alive with it's
warm fluffy feathers
soaked with life ''
'

and everyone is shuffle shuffle pacing ''
' but every body stands still with eyes saccading...
sweep sweep, '

stay where you are,
in your lateness ''
and your action
is in your inaction
weightless... '

waiting to
hop on

Runrunrun all day long
the blood pumps and heart jumps
Thumpthump
Nonstop this goes
for hours at a time
fueled by coffee and shmigs
seemingly everlasting is
this high, I wish.
While it rolls, I'll pay
the toll through loss.
Time, things, sleep.
I come out exhasuted
missing precious gifts
from loved ones long ago,
a list of work days unending,
bloodshot drooping dog eyes.
I take the pills and crash,
momentarily,
yet find myself awake
soon thereafter,
wondering where'd it
all come from,
and why'd it go
there?