your there, i try to be invisable
i cant take it
your there smileing casue you see me
i turn around
you call out my name and laugh
i shiver and turen back around
you smile that smile again
and i walk over
your smile its inviting
i get there and you stick your knife of words in my cheast
i breath, and turn and walk away
i go to the bathroom and cry
its happeing again
i take my pencil and scrtch the surface of scars that had finaaly healed
they crack open
i take my rist band and slide it over
nobody will know
i will live in scilence

I look back on the memories I didn't know I had

At times I smile though the pain Even though it hurts so bad

I know you smile down at me with every step I take

I know you are still with me when I make dumb mistakes

I was little when you left me,i never really understood why

I knew you were going to a better place with that man in the sky

Sometimes I sit and wonder how it would be if you were still with us on earth

I know up there you are with out any pain,down here you would feel much worse

With that I know heaven is a peacefull place,because I know when I get there the first thing

I'll see is your smileing face.

dear noah,
      i do not understand you, nor do i comprehend you
i do not understand why you are smileing, nor do i understand why you are crying,
i do not understand what i have done to you,
i do not understand why you despise me so,
i do not understand why i seek your approval,
i do not understand what thoose things called words are coming out of your mouth, i do not understand why they cut me so deep with such venom?
is it because i cannot fix you?
is it because there may be nothing to fix and you simply truly are oh so very you?
i do not understand why you do not understand me,
is it because i do not let you see all of what i wanted you to know?
is it because i built that wall too high?
or do you understand and simply dont want to?
oh boy, you are my light that nearly suffocated itself within the dark,
you are my tears that are to strong, to cowardly to fall down my face,
you are my smile, that see's, hear's, no critisizeme,
you are the thing that makes me want to think,
want to care,
you are the thing inwhich i love.
you are what defines what i want, and because of that i will never have you.
because oh boy, it isn't because we are in two seperate worlds,
it isn't because we are so different,
it isn't because i cannot tell you what i have been screaming at you forever,
oh boy, could it be because you are what would give me happiness?
could it be because a single day without you drives me nuts?
could it be because we are both cowards, hiding behind smiles and yeah no problem's?
could it be because you cannot leave your sacred playground, while i create my own, while i make what i want, and do what i want in it?
could it be because you are still obeying thoose flimsy rules, because you want to obey thoose rules?
could it be because we both are trying to hard to live up to expectations?
could it be because we both are so **** close to what will **** us?
                                                                                                                                                 love,
                                                                                                                                          me.

Rest, Sleep, Excersice
Drugs, Pills, Therapy
A chemical imbalence in the brain
My will lost
Do others really understand
We don't care
I know people will be sad
I know my family cares
I know they will miss me
But what about others

Others could care less
A week later their interest is lost
They stop remembering
They didn't know you
Maybe they did
But they dont care

BUT I DO!

What will crumble
What will die
What will stop
Who will be hurt
Who will care
Does anyone really care
Because if they live
What does it matter if I..

I want someone to truely care
Not because I'm ****** up in the head
But because I exist

No matter what you own
How much money you have
Who you're married to
Or dating
What you drive
Who you're related to
What you do

It doesnt change the fact that I'm

I'm not suicidal
I just dont care anymore
I just wish the whole world could just disappear
And I wish to my hearts disire
That everything and everyone could freeze
That time would stop
Except for me
So I could live my life without lives pressure
No appointments
No expectations
No laws or rules
No worry about
What people are thinking of you

I could sit alone with no hastle
or rush or time restraints
With my thoughts of them and me
And what life could be

But sooner or time will resume
I just wish I could control when

Most like me want the same
But choose and less sleep
Not one they can resume
Because stopping time is impossible
I guess so is gaining back my will to live

I know others are worse
And you stab me in the darkest of nights
But all I want is someone to listen
You attack me when I can sleep
Whether its at night or on a bridge
All I want is for you to stop but then I feel empty
And what's the use of that
At least when I'm depressed I feel pain
And sorrow but in day to day life
All it is is fake smiles and lies
That all I am is tired
Because with depression and fatigue
All you want is the same thing
Sleep
I just wish for the day I say I'm tired
You'll say no your not
Lets talk
I cry in pain when you walk away
But understand you dont understand
Many wonder why I'm always so sad but
The truth is I'm not
I do get little sleep but that doesnt effect me anymore
I have to stand there smileing looking down acting
Tired as I'm truely just hiding the tears
You say oh okay and walk away
Its happened a million times
Each time it rips off 1 piece of what I'm hanging onto
But I only started with 100
1,000,000 to 100 is a huge difference
Yes now all they do is rip a piece of nothing but they take it anyways
Because thats what people do
They take and take and take and take and take and take and take
Until you have nothing but then they'll still continue
To destroy you and why
Because

Because is all you'll get from them
There's NOT A ******* REASON
I have asked
I have asked a tormentor before
Why?
He sat there looked down and couldnt come up with
A SIGNLE ******* THING
Silence is the answer
So what is the reason
I don't know

But what IS the reason
Fathers leave their own children
Other humans attack other humans physically, verbally and especially mentally
People steal money a family in need truely needs
People break into peoples houses
People attempt suicide
People live
Live

Whats the reason
People die
People bully or harass
People expect A ****** MUSICIAN TO KNOW WHAT THE GOSH FORSAKEN NAME OF A ******* GENERAL OF SOME STUPID WAR THAT HAPPENED 200, 300 YEARS AGO

There's flaws in mankind
Some accept them
Some play neglegence
Some try to fix them

But in Acceptance theres many ways to accept mankind is mankind
Accepting it for what it is
Accepting it and moving on
Accepting it and providing input
Or help
Accepting it in death
After all thats why we all came here isnt it?
To die.

The neighbors and family flow into our mediocre house and you greet them all smileing and joking. Voices saying congratulations fill the air with the intended target of me but before they even finish leaving the lips of gusts, you accept them and move on to the next group. Once everyone has settled down and is meandering to see people they "haven't seen in ages" you begin bragging about how proud you are of my accomplishments.  Everybody awes as you take your time showing baby pictures and explaining how it is all your doing that I've made it this far and done so much. You begin pushing for everyone to leave the house, grab food from the porch area, and go outside into the hot sticky air to conversate. As soon as they are gone you close the door and I am snapped back into reality. You start gritting your teeth and yelling at me as quiet as possible so no one hears. First going off about how I was to quiet, so I was a stupid *****. Then what I said made me sound stupid, so I was dumb. And after a few other things came out you grabbed at my shirt and yanked down, finishing my yelling at with a comment of how im to fat and I need lose weight.  

"But mommy, don't you love me?"
"Of course sweetheart. You'll always be my little baby girl."

As soon as the guests leave you have a hold of my arm, tight, white knuckles, instant bruising. You scream and spit into my face that I am worthless without you. I realize you're right. You control everything in my life.

"Mommy?
Mommy?
Where are you?
Mommy why won't you help me?
Mom?"

That was the night I realized that I didn't want to live anymore.
I walked up to you and asked you if you loved me yesturday. You turned to me without hesitation and said, "No, maybe if you acted right I would, but not today."
So mom, when you find this, if you ever do, please understand that I don't love you either, but I love myself just enoughenough to know that I can't keep fighting for your love.
Sincerely,
Your worthless, dumb, fat, stupid ***** daughter.

A rose in the grass,
plucked from the bush.
It'll die soon.
They all do.

A butterfly on the swing,
on a cool summer evening.
It just came out of the cacoon.
Some don't make it this far.

A little girl,
on the top of the slide.
Smileing from ear to ear.
Don't you wish we were all that happy?

Freeze time and all is beautiful.
There is no pain.
There is no hurting.

Freeze time and all is well.
The frowns are smiles,
The tears are dried.

Freeze time,
but it must resume sometime.

Stop laughing at me you ***** before i sever your throat and place
You on a mantle
.SMILEING

with the sun

and saturn with his children
All but

Digested
.

No heirs for a
KING

No heirs for the priest.
67777777777777


Io


It sets down in the blue
hills