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jennifer wayland May 2014
step number one: read the book wintergirls.
tuck away every detail like you're cramming for a test.
dog-ear the pages and carry it with you like a travel guide.
decide that with your fingers and toes always icy cold for as long as you can remember,
you were destined to be a wintergirl.
reread it periodically, for inspirational purposes.

step two: download the myfitnesspal app.
use it to track every calorie you put into your body.
memorize that an oreo has seventy calories, an apple has one hundred, a cup of hot chocolate has eighty,
a bagel has two hundred seventy (a number that terrifies you),
and on and on and on.
let numbers float behind your eyes just before you go to bed,
and let them stay there as you throw off the covers to do guilty pushups and situps in your room
for twenty minutes (burning one hundred and twenty calories).
ignore the warnings shouted at you in red text
when you eat less than twelve hundred calories per day.
look at the projections it gives you for five weeks from now
with weights that seem both too small and too large at the same time.
when your net for the day hits the negatives after weeks of trying,
feel the slightest pang of satisfaction.

step three: find your "thinspiration".
make a tumblr just to look at pictures of jutting-out spines and thigh gaps and ribs.
hold your phone up next to your reflection in the mirror
and pick out everywhere your body differs from hers.
when the girls on the fitness blogs start looking too heavy for your goal,
find the eating-disorder blogs.
obsess over their bodies almost as much as you obsess over yours,
but not quite as much.

step four: begin losing weight.
imagine yourself floating away, feather-light.
imagine yourself becoming skin and bones.
imagine this as you drag your heavy body from class to class,
as your muscles waste from malnutrition.
imagine this as you have to clean your hairbrush out
three times while you work tangles from your hair.
imagine this as you snap at anyone and everyone,
as you spend hours locked in your room.

step five: become a poet and write about yourself.
romanticize your own demons, just by calling them demons.
use as many metaphors as you can,
to avoid the harsh language of the truth.
and especially avoid writing about the crippling guilt
that hits you when you eat too much,
you're fat you're worthless you'll never be anything,
and hits you when you don't eat enough,
what's wrong with you how did you let it get to this point
voices in your head never abating.
avoid writing about your lack of motivation and constant exhaustion and always,
always, use words that imply mystery.
describe your mind as foggy, call your body diminishing.
never say it how it is, because you could convince yourself to quit.
never say that it's torture and you're in pain
and you just wish you were eight again, never considering this path.
never say that you need help but you don't want help.

if you have the urge to say these things,
say only that this disorder is not one you would willingly give up,
because you finally have something to control.
because it is the truth,
but it is also the romanticized truth.
trigger warning, obviously. this just came out of nowhere the other day. apologies for how harsh/offensive it may be.
Shreya Dec 2018
The mirror always mocks me,
pointing at my stomach and jawline and thighs
and chest
Jeering at all the excess
toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch
I keep repeating in my head
I’m too much.

The numbers on the scale feel huge
The jump from 116 to 113 to eventually 108
just felt like getting heavier
and i became weighed down to situps
not fast enough for food,
Until situps replaced food
but I was still way too much.

I never realized until now
how ironic
Being too much was making me not enough
i needed to be less and worth more
So I let situps take away sleep too
and eventually I didn’t allow myself rest
until my stomach was more exhausted
than the clock chiming midnight.

Instagram was my mantra
strapped in at my side
Wow she looks amazing
The next hour was spent researching dangerous diets
I let myself burn in the shower
To sweat away more
so i could be less
and I’d freeze in the winter
to allow the burning of calories.

For two weeks before every event
barely a morsel passed my lips
And my days consisted of Netflix and situps in my room
My snack was oxygen
And my stomach was a container full to the brim
Of nothing
As nonexistent as my happiness,
I was still too much but never enough
I intended this to voice the pain of never feeling good enough because of your body.
luna Nov 2018
i know you dont think im looking
i see everything though
i see the sparrows feed and the iron bars holding on

i see the murky water bowl and the sprints up the stairs
i see moonlight situps
because you are "training for the new season"

loose shirt, yet to you it is skin tight
bulging
like a balloon

and we all know what happens to balloons
when they keep growing and growing swelling up
they pop.

and you realise in fact, that the balloon that you thought was there was in fact.
a lifeless hunk of rubber, desperate for a little air

now im not saying that the balloon is a figure of your mind
but im saying that this is.
good ol' pop is a series of poems about my struggles of seeing others suffer, inspired by a loved one's struggle with anorexia, good ol' pop is a collection for the bystander, and for the observant.
Jacob Ferguson Apr 2014
Lifes a chuckle and the jokes on you
Life can be trouble with the ocassional Cordeon bleu,
The ins and outs of who I'm I, and how do I relate to you?
A colidoscope of perceptions altered by cruel vices, how do I make amends with fresh blood on my hands. How do I love when I don't even hate?
slues of pornagraphy alter my thoughts. Existence can be ****** when you've seen so many ***** *****. Funny haha or funny dismiss? Laughing until the tension burns out and my mind sets off on a new route.
Does being strong make me a man? Doing situps until I'm responsible, what a joke as am I.
I'm really not quite sure whats happens when you die, but one things for **** sure you should try to enjoy the ride.
Abby Dec 2018
A thousand situps and
a punch in the stomach
Crossing the finish line
of a one hundred meter sprint
Catch your breath
Don’t be sick

Trying to ***** your heart
out of your mouth
Hands around your throat
Vice clamped around your head
Can’t breathe
Can’t breathe

Everything goes quiet
but it’s noisy still
Somebody said it
They mentioned her
but they didn’t know it

Quick as a breath there’s a
brick in your stomach and
hands around your throat
An Army rucksack
thrown on your shoulders
Your heartbeat aches

Stood still in the centre of a hurricane
Life happening around you

You face her
But you can’t reach her
You feel her
But you can’t touch her
She’s right there with you
But you still miss her
Robert Ronnow Apr 2023
“There’s nothing you wish for that won’t be yours
        if you stay alive.”  --Beowulf

Winter has arrived and the wind cuts through
the parking lot under the el in the Bronx,
streets stretch out in their directions, events
in their mere chronology have no relation.
Old friends face certain dissolution
with perplexity, comity and humor,
look with gay eyes on their future
in a forest or a city, someplace.
Snow outside, despair inside. Homelessness.
Raccoon tracks cross the soul. Prostatectomy.
Winter mix. Don’t relax. The difficult
dangerous season when weak creatures die
and the strong barely survive. Leave me alone
with autumn, an autumn like last autumn.
Don’t stand around my bed, I won’t be in it.

Jack’s in jail. His panic attacks are like
an AI on automatic pilot
who wants to live, just like the rest of us
under the eye of eternity or
running in new snow, loving that feeling.
Some people go dancing in fishnet stockings.
Effortless mastery, success without practice.
Fractals without chemistry. Do the small
things first, clean the house and bless the guests.
Sick of Krshna, sick of salad, sick of self.
Sick of meditation. As I lay dying
the full moon’s rising. My existence
is indivisible from the wry Creator’s.
I like the old Rhymer, his smile resplendent.
It’s Death, not the Jewish king, in your rose garden.

I ply my arts all day alone. All I have
is all I do not know. The past isn’t dead
it never even happened. Learn the changes
then forget them. Keep on learning and re-
learning them. Down the steep and icy trail
through hail and storm. Take into eternity
my hail and farewell. We’re living in the
Anthropocene. Indestructible garbage.
Bulldozed landscape. Big Brother, dead father.
***** of the tiger.  Getting thought to twitch
the prosthetic. Mischievous, malevolent,
militant thistles. Or just plain polite
Americans, afraid to get shot.
Bump bump bump down the igneous rocks of life,
take the boulders two at a time down.

Old-timers bagging groceries, low social
security for the security guard.
Situps, pushups, fix yr brakes, fix yr leaks.
I know what’s gonna happen before it happens.
Polar bear mugs wino exhausted by that earlier,
irritating, constant need to survive.
Surrounded by history, neither seen nor heard
from again. And a deaf mute in a pear tree.
If it’s human, nothing’s wasted. Pasted
into a big wet kiss or posted
on the internet. Stolen from the pockets
of the dead, burgled from living memory.
Most art is dispensable, ***** and *****,
vaginal lubrication, prostate enlargement,
the unknown, anonymous man named me.

I’ve been wrong before and I may be wrong now.
Things fall apart. Or maybe not. Maybe
it’ll all hold together 10,000 years more
after all we’ve observed a galaxy born
13 billion years ago, a faint red blur,
and microbe partnerships on the ocean floor.
The good life’s all around us smiling
girls on bicycles, dogs on leashes,
equality is mandatory.
Sweet solitude and privacy, quiet
sitting spot, write a little, read a lot.
Tip generously, gratuitously,
like good luck. Haircut, cabride, dinnerout,
to eat a continent is not so strange.
Does Jack even exist? I doubt it but

the class of transformations that could happen
spontaneously in the absence of knowledge
is negligibly small compared with the class
that could be effected artificially by
intelligent beings, aliens in the bleachers.
Japanese knotweed also known as kudzu.
The Chinese navy also known as t’ai chi.
Water shortages. War and wildfire.
What you’re scared of and what you love. Contracts
and deliverables. Hate speech, fate.
Humor or ardor, I can’t decide.
Dad’s steel-toed boots. Leaves, flowers, fruits.
Things are said, mistakes are made. I’m driving
pontificating on geopolitics
when an archangel flies into the windshield!

Lost my timepiece, lost my metronome.
Well, music is a manufactured crisis.
Caloric restrictions, control your addictions,
desire to be famous, propensity for violence.
The profusion of species contents me.
Wilderness comes back strong as cactuses,
chestnuts, coral. No more missile crises.
Eat less, an empty belly’s holy.
Horselum, bridelum, ridelum,
into the fray! World order—not my problem.
Only meditation can save your soul,
should there be such a thing. There are actual people
half woman half man running past me
and dream people in movies half language
half light. Or they lie under polished stones
embossed with actual photos of themselves.

Learning who you actually are is difficult
as sitting still 10 minutes w/o a thought or want.
To get lucky you gotta be careful first.
Knowledge of death without dying =
early retirement. Counting your blessings,
a healthy activity. No solution
to death’s finality, and such a blessing
awaits me, too. If you’re suicidal
they call the cops. The audience is full of glee.
Watres pypyng hoot. Chinese characters. Quantum guesses.
Most failures, and most successes, are in our future.
I embrace wild roots and run through streets
with arm around my girl. Inmate #427443.
Poetry and surgery—they go together
like a horse and buggy. Cheerful as a flock
of chickadees. Looking for a lost horse,
I hear Appalachian Spring!

Look one way, from another come the heart’s
missed beats. Much better to look slowly,
labor for the success and happiness
of others, even the old and frayed.
Look it up. There is no death, just perfect rest.
Look more closely. It will be gone in a few days!
First entertain, then enlighten if you can.
Is it stress? Yes. Tired of death? It’s what it is.
Let’s play sports, have ***, live a wonderful life,
give generously. If you see a hawk on a bough
at field’s edge beyond the corner you should have
turned, maybe it’s a sign to go on, alone.
No body, no soul. No mirror, no black hole.
No mission, no hero. No applause, no noise.
No experience, no nonsense. If words can
be arranged in any order can they be
of any use in foreign policy?

Disappointed, didn’t get what was wanted.
Forget me not, is that all I want?
A catbird account, a mockingbird account
and an owl account. Then, and only then,
nothing’s missing and nothing’s left over.
Jail or zen mountain monastery
hiphop artist hypnotist bebop trumpeter
unknown soldier black bear bad bladder
ice cold beer poker player wry Creator.
If not one way, then another. Otherwise
give me your 5-10 best hiphop artists. Can
they take the sting out of life like bluegrass, jazz?
Mimics, woodpeckers, sing-songers, hawks,
chippers and trillers, whistlers, name-sayers,
thrushes, owls and a dove, high pitchers,
wood warblers and a word-warbling wren.
Unusual vocalizations.

We have hope that everyone alive is
essential, consequential. The commonplace
and everyday is sanctified. Nothing else
special need be done but stay alive.
Don’t lose passport, don’t be late to airport.
Insects are pollinators, insects are us.
Romance without finance is a nuisance.
November, however, is sweet, sunshine
through bare trees, dry brown leaves companionably
visiting among the dead. When middle school lets out
at the periapsis of Earth’s orbit
that’s the face of joy. Each leaf out and Jack
in his boxers. If you run over a chipmunk,
a groundhog or a skunk, say a short prayer.
One can’t help being here, queynt.

I live in a state so blue there’s nothing I can do
to change man’s trajectory and if I could
what angle of re-entry or ascent
would I choose? Grace is what we get
no matter what. Come the tired end of day
Jack thinks why not waste time watching tv
but the next day he has a hangover
like Ernest Hemingway or **** Jagger.
Your soul is immortal. It exists outside
of time. It has no beginning and no end.
If you cannot accept this, forget it all,
do not even begin. It all goes into
the same church service and comes out babbling
for God to appear. The shorter the service
the better, less passion, more resistance. Joy
may outlast the holocaust. Get it while it lasts.

The material world is reality, my friend.
Reality is not always what we’re after.
I like Jack’s confidence, that working the problem
will result in better outcomes than guessing.
Confidence is the feeling you have
before you understand the situation.
A hawk hunting or just floating waiting
for inspiration, a heron rowing east,
an owl’s quiet hoot even simpler than
the pentatonic bamboo flute.
What’s not to like? Ice cream, yogurt, profit, tofu.
Mosquitoes this summer are relentless,
heat and humidity, merciless.
Ice will ice those little *******.
Killing time before it kills me. Ha ha.

Whatever forever. Poetry is plumbing
your unhappiness habit until you reach joy.
As I think of things to do I do them.
Thing by thing I get things done. I think
that’s how my father and his father did things, too.
“Away up high in the Sierry Petes
where the yeller pines grow tall, Ol’ Sandy Bob
an’ Buster Jig had a rodeer camp last fall.”
It is the older man’s responsibility
to protect, not as a hard-charging archangel,
Jack’s joints couldn’t stand it, or hero
but as a rational participant,
cool, caring and completely zeroed in.
Culture or religion is an answer to
the problem of what to do and why do it
when your cancer makes poetry from
losing the argument with yourself.

To die spiritually in the hot sun
and the body go on climbing, haunted,
hunted, nature’s intelligent partner.
People are the element I live in, or else.
Call for the elevator. Wait for the el.
Snow on the Sonoran, each saguaro
wearing a white yarmulke. Creosote
smell as snow melts, ocotillo buds out.
Man needs help from every creature born.
The blackbird contains death but it’s bigger than death.
It’s more like God but an ironical god.
Smaller and funnier than God, impossible
to regard directly, gotta look sideways,
aim binoculars left, right, up, down—
missing every time. There’s nothing you wish for
that won’t be yours if you stay alive.
what a terrifying word.
my friend said i was getting healthy,
and i stared at her, speechless.
my mother said i was being healthy,
and i couldn't speak without crying.
my counselor said i was looking healthy,
and i had never hated that word so much.
i just kept thinking: if they knew,
if they knew,
if they knew
the internal warzone i feel every time i see a fork
(let alone a knife),
they would find a different word.
if they knew that my only control is saying no
to every time i feel my stomach clawing at me
like a whimpering puppy,
they would find a different word.
if they knew that i've forgotten how to eat
without the taste of giving up,
they would find a different word.
i didn't know how bad it was
until the guilt from lunch was so overwhelming
that i downed four bottles of water
one after the other
simply because i couldn't stop;
and i didn't know how bad it was
until i was pacing my room at 11:36 pm
just to get in another two thousand steps
before going to bed;
and i didn't know how bad it was
until i was crying in the bathroom
begging to feel my hatred of food rise up my throat
and scrubbing my teeth to erase the taste of numbers.
my priorities are all in the wrong places-
i forgot to read my Bible for three days straight
but heaven forbid i fall asleep
without doing fifty situps in my bed
and tracing my hands along the bones i can feel through my back.
the last thing my grandfather said to me
was demanding to know "how i did it"
and my mother stopped commenting on my body
when i noticed her starting to look at me with worry.
i don't see the change they see anyway.
i still see all the weight the scale says i've dropped,
and i keep telling myself that i'll see the difference
with just a few more.
just a few more and then i'll believe them.
just a few more and i'll stop feeling guilty
for every morning that i don't wake up and see stars.
just a few more and then there will be something wrong with me.
but i got healthy,
i look healthy,
i am healthy-
and i hate it.
i'm not thin enough,
not sick enough,
not lost enough
to let myself believe that i need help.
but i don't remember when feeling sick
began to replace the goal of feeling healthy,
and i don't remember when fainting
started feeling like a badge of honour i wonder when i'll get.
i wrote myself a letter yesterday,
but i don't remember thinking the words until i read them.
just a little longer,
and then we'll be in control;
just a little longer,
and then we'll be proud;
just a little longer,
and then we can ask for help.


maybe.
my world has become as small as i wish my body was
Nola Leech Feb 2020
“I don’t blame you”
“You were young”
Influenced
Verbatim
You said while still ******* me with your eyes
You called me a liar
In the same sentence, you asked me to change in front of you
Into a blue and green bikini
I asked if I could change in the bathroom
You said you wouldn’t hurt me
You were an adult
And your job was to protect me
I wonder if that’s why your daughters left
Because you protected them too much
You made me stretch out on the floor
I can’t say I was naked
But I think I was
Because you wanted me to do situps
Then you wanted to blow on my stomach
But said you couldn’t because I was too old
You asked me what the worst thing I ever did was
I panicked because I didn’t want to get in trouble with anything I said
So I said something about my friend
And how I ditched her in third grade
For another friend
You said the worst thing I ever did was lying about you watching me in the shower
When I was in fourth grade
It was weird
Because no one had ever monitored me while I showered before
No one had ever opened the curtain and directed me
I was a big girl I could’ve taken my own shower
While talking to my mom about it years later
I found out you lied
You told her you were outside the door
Not the curtain
The worst thing I ever did
Was not telling sooner

— The End —