It's strange hearing her like this
Words filled with the warm glow of golden honey
There's a smile behind her words and something unidentifiable
In the darkness she's all but invisible
Picture her as big as a mountain with fists like anvils
Strong enough to bend steel and a mind like a trap

Heard her talking through the door
No other breaths, no others in the house
She was always the most comfortable alone
I was done with the world and she knew this
But her words still colored the night between us.
Memories poured from her lips,
Impossible to comprheand and impossible to be.

She talked of flowers and grey corriders
Shifting places that where never the same again
Of fighting to save her own skin
No one's ever owned her or held her down
Every scar's a medal she says
A token of the breath still in her lungs

Silence falls after those weighty words
And I know she's looking up, to that one spot her eyes always fall.
"But what I rember the most are the flowers."
Those little bits of living light in a grayscale world
Her words are sweet with sadness and worn-down with time
And I wonder how long she's been singing these words in her mind.

Time stretches out like rubber band taffy,
A millennia becomes an eye blink and a year becomes a second
She says she's been there from the start.
Seen civilizations rise and fall with the tides.
Restless ruin, unending loss and bitter regret.
Impossible story strung out like star-shine in the darkness between us

She's trying to save me in her own way,
Reaching out to the heavens with her unreal past
The sun on a strong back and a child she once new
Faces that come and go like dust motes
Soap bubbles, gnats to a flame
Gone so fast it leaves an afterimage on your eyelids

And then I realize,
She's giving me a choice
Not trying to hold me back.
The God has always wanted an end,
But I have the chance at life.

Rain and all its forms
Blurred Mountains seeping into the borders
surrounding
A little village
Grey on the horizen
Ocean way way below the village
Down the mule trails
Scraping in coils
Pebble linings
Down to the mediteranean sea
In this village
Cobble streets
Coloured roof tops
Crumbling houses
Empty clotheslines
Except a few wet clothes hanging
Forgotten faded red shirt
Hanging from one season
To the next
Water drips and dances bouncing from stone to stone
Wooden shoes clack quickly
As they rush over the street
A lady
Wearing hand woven clothes
warm fresh flat bread
Wrapped in cloth
And in a basket.
A young boy follows her
His sweater held over his head
Eyes obscurred
He walks as though in a maze
Then they are gone
Empty streets
A round woman, hair ******* with a faded white rag cloth
Empties out steaming hot water
From a copper ***
Soapy steam
In the rain
Alley way
Side door
Not much activity
A girl sits looking out observing
Watching the rain
Smelling the warmth
Rising from the bakery down below
She remebers the hustling market, the colors when in the sun
The shuffling people
In sunglasses
New people
Sun season
Different apearences than the ones she knows
The ones shes used to
The skin foreign to her.

She likes her room
With the elephants in the rug
Little marchers
Within the mandela sequince
She likes the bakers down below
Aunts and uncles
Unsure of who's family
By blood
And who's family
In spirit.
She likes the old man
Who sits with his cane
In the little sitting chair
In front of the bakery
He who treats her to a cookie every now and then
Or slips her a piece of sweet bread
He, who wears an old black cap
And puts on his coat
And hobbles down the little street
She waits for him sometimes
She sits perched outside and looks down the street
From right to left
Until she hears the familiar clatter
The sound of his wooden cane on cobblestones
Each who carry their own divine essence
Or sound to which they bring
A memory of her father comes to mind
How differently he sounds when he walks
Gentle and slow
Heavy and kind
Compared to her mother
soft and light
Swift like a feather
in the wind
Sweet like a berry.
The girl sometimes likes rainy season more
Although she misses the hustle and bustle of market day
In the sun
When the lively noises fill her ears
The wild smells
When the bakery arises before the crack of dawn
And the smell of fresh bread awakes her
Smells of new special treats
Made larger and larger
Just to apeal and to please
The large crowds.
The sounds of bakers
Yelling orders back and forth
Clanging pots
A madness of creation.
Grand cakes
Thousands of tarts
Each one delicatly made with care.

When the people make extravagant delicacies
When goats are roasted
And fresh tomatoes
Made into scrumptious sauces
With fresh basil.
Olives pickled and handed out on toothpicks
By yelling merchants
The best olives in the region shouts one
Across the street, the bestsest shouts another.
Most
spectacular
Imaginative
Freshest
Most this
Or that
Yummiest
Tastiest
Wildest
Amzingest
Greatest.
In her mind the images play
Like moving dolls

In full vibrancy.

For a second she forgets
Her placement
She has returnes back to the heat
And the memories
Of men in white undershirts
Smoking outside
Playing cards and waiting for the sun to dry
the rest of their clothes
The bantering ladies
From window to window.
She gets lost,
until the sound of a door loudly shutting in the streets awakes her
Jumping up
Looking out the window
Still silence
Nothing in sight.

Drizzles of rain
The sound it makes
When it slides down the roofs
She misses the heat
Of the bustling summer day
But in secret
she likes the rain
The silence and comfort it brings.
She likes the rain and the lonliness.
The solitude.
the sounds of her parents sleeping
Yawning.
a distant kettle whistling,
A neighbors.
The desolatation.
Patters of rain.
She likes to have both seasons
One season to live
And the
other to dream.

Memory is too fragile
Too often it forgets the past
All your happiness is faded
Your timeline, unsure and jaded

It remebers the biggest stuff
The "important" events and things
But leaves out intamacy
In the details of legacy

The little day to day gestures,
Moments of bliss are neglected
"Insignifigant" adventure
And all the laughter that they lure

These are the things I want to keep,
What I want memorialized
On my conciousness for ever
All these times we shared together

Precious moments unforgotten
Like the wind tossling my hair
And you sliding it back in place
How you lightly caressed my face

Every breathless time my heart stopped
And butterflies bred at  your touch
Every kiss imprinted in time
The veiws from the mountains we climb

The way we shudder and tremble
And whipser "I Love you" 's with care
The jokes  we shout, the games we play
The songs we sing, the things we say

These fleeting moments are ereased
To make way for pain or glory
Things with ceremony or scars
Not as good as sleeping in cars

Let my legacy be of my
Good times, fun times, small times when I
Made a difference for once and for
The smiles and laughs of my trade floor

I want to remeber these things
The small things that make up our lives
Because they make them all worth more
Than I ever thought before

I am on my second...No third I think......
Red pill of the Night
I am surprised that I have not become smaller
Or is it
Larger?
No one ever really remebers do they?
Question? No answer
I am compelled to get up from my plight
A beer soaked boredome
I have no idea of the people surrounding me
Or why they all seem to be so uptight
Although the rich boys have laid their suitcoats upon
The velvet arm chairs
It's almost unbelievable this air that I breath
For a moment I think I have become the center of our universe
Or I forgot where I put my matches....that spilled box of matches
Yet I wiggle my way out of the smoke
Understand that I have to walk out and pick these matchs up
While pretty rich girls laugh and drink beer
How cute they think they must look
Drug addled
Becoming the girl
I want to take home to mom.
Good Ol' fashion American Capitalism
Buying and selling and smoking their imported African Marijuana
Taking *** shots off of brandy bottles
I bet if dad knew you were in his brandy
He'd beat your rich boy ***

Ah the glimmer and the silver glow of this place
Shimmering left and right off of bottles and jewelry
I have a knife in my pocket that seems to grow heavier and heavier
As I rest on this brand new White
I MEAN SOFT EGSHELL COUNTRY WHITE
Leather Couch from Europe

I can breathe it all in
and breathe it all out
you know when you don't belong
A weapon in your pocket becomes
A weapon in your hands

Some nights I lay awake thinking about my day or about my life and I wonder did I do anything to see what I have seen to expeirence what I have experienced. I tell myself no I havent but that is not the reason why I have seen what I have seen and I have experienced what I have experienced. I know that I was put on this earth for a reason and who put me on this earth and that is God himself. He wanted to show me and have me experience what I have for many reasons. I may not know all the reasons and may never know all the reasons but I know some. I know that God wants me to become a great strong women of him and show people the right path to take in life. I may not know all the ways to the right path but I know alot of them. For instance drinking alcohol is a horrible thing to do. It messes up your life so much to the piont where you may not even exist to people that love you and you love. Yes those poeple will always love you and you will always love them no matter what but they pretend you dont even exist so they dont get hurt because they know you can do better in life. When you have family and friends by your side each and every step of the way it is so much easier you think. If it is an addiction or just life no matter who is at your side other then God it is not easier. He will guide you be there for you catch you when you fall and pick you right back up. Yes family and friends is a thing in life that you do need but not as much as God. (John 3:16 For God so�loved the world he gave his only begotten son for who so ever believed in him shall not parish but have ever lasting life.) So if you dont know him I deeply and strongly encourage you to get to know him and ask him into your heart. If I have learned one thing its that life is pretty much impossible without him well thats what it seems to me and my life. Everyone is different there lifes are to. For all the things I have seen and experienced I have needed him for either guidence, faith, or support. It has always been easier to me having him there each and everytime I have needed him. Even if the answer wasn't the answer I was looking for he has been there for me. There is a few more things like medications for mental illnesses. There is no such thing most of the time with peoples behavior its because the person wants attention from people they love. Some people were shown the only way to seek attention is doing dangerous behavior and making negitive choices. You have choices oppertunities in life to make the right decisions and you have oppertunities chioces to make the wrong. Let me tell you will know when you make the wrong choices and the right because it shows in your life. You dont need medication you need God he will give you the attention and wisdom you are seeking. When your family and friends are not there for you giving you what you need. I have had times in my life where I have had to go to him instead of my family or friends for wisdom and attention. He is a really good source and person to go to when you need wisdom and attention. He is also there when you feel alone and depressed you may feel alone but you are not alone he is right there beside you. You may feel that this obsticle in your life is impossible to get over its not just pray ask for help he will help you in ways you would never ask for or even imagine. He is such a great person the greatest person you will ever have in your life. He will always be there for you even if you slip more then once just ask for forgiveness and he will forgive you each and everytime you ask for it. You will never have to think about your slip ever again for when he forgives you he lets go never remebers it again. You may ask for forgiveness from your family and they may hold it against you forever but he will never do that to his children. Remember this always he is with you each and every step of the way and will always be there for you. He has always been there for me.

negativity has hit our univerese like a plague in the recent years. at first overlooked and now progressively growing inside everyone each day.
in the smallest things subconsciously our minds and the minds of youth.

im not going to write poetically right now i just need to be 100% raw. In everyday things im noticing even in myself that i am influenced by things i see on social media.
the memes we share and promote and advertise to all ages and ranges  comparing one women or man to one another is toxic and feeds jealously and negativity. people putting one another down. classifying. ranking one another, im guilty of it too. and i just am trying to change the way i look at them the people i envy i have to bring it back and recognize the things i am jealous of or envy i have all of hose things inside of me and i need to bring them to light and everything we want we everything i want can be reached can be achieved.
and also the age line is basically none existent but we have to remember it all starts with a vision.
it all starts with a idea or a dream.
you see a beautiful women or man and them be super successful in business remebers they were once where we were , where i feel like i am. ive been lost my life has been a mess ive been distracted careless , to my dreams and the bigger picture and my ultimate intentions for myself and my life.
But then the other day I saw it.
I saw my own light. I remembered who I am.
I am not the chaos I have lived through I am not the damage that has been done and that cannot  be changed.
I am the difference. I am the force that can change it all. I can take away all my pain. kiss my own hands. I forgive you I love you.
Let things go let people go if they want to leave dont fight it let them go.
Let go of the dresses and secrets they wont return. Its okay
there are more dresses.
There are more people to share your love with.
People just waiting to come into your life and thrive with you.

This is the begining for me
Forever starts today.
The relationship with myself. To build and support my dreams as much as I do to everyone I love.