it's not hard to say that breaking a heart,
is easier than having yours broken.
but to rebreak a heart,
over and over,
takes a lot

I've been still,
Caught in a sweet stasis,
Buried under the same, baseless
Candied gags, slippery hags, body bags ー
But I can't go back.
Haven't moved forward either,
So I still sit silent here.
Maybe I'll someday wither ー

Like dandelions as they scatter in the wind,
I will feel no more the weight of societal sins.
Staying awake in anticipation;
That feeling you get when you see a road blocked
and a wrecked car hoping it was an accident
Eventful; excitement to see that tar black
Crimson on tarmac
and those trampled, broken-pretty shells ー

I want to be a doll.
A pretty hollow pale porcelain
you still can't hurt when I slip through your hands,
Or when you let go and drop me,
Or smash me into the ground ー
It's all the same, isn't it?
You buy, bore, break, blame, build, rebuild
Rebreak, reblame, replace...

I remake real-fake love into stanza-sized stories
Just to rebrand them as poetry;
A molded part to inspire some abstract art.
They're better off that way,
Locked in and stationary;
Sweet standstill sanctuary.
And I'll stay to watch their models fail and break,
As they too, disintegrate ー fellow ******* degenerates

This time I was at your disposal,
But we're all just glorified disposables ー
Ever-hungry, hedonistic at heart.

the first love is the deepest

and if it comes and goes
its retribution

because
when you feel it
you fcking feel it

its like the first cut
or scrape
burn
and singe

and the second
it feels like the first doesnt matter

its like a bandaid
for the first

because
when you realize
how
much
it
mattered(s)

then you would
if you could
rip off the bandaid
the first (the only)
rebreak the bone
relive the heartbeark

over
and over
and over and over

if because what was given to you
what you really wanted

which was the first (the last)

but then you realize
the longing in your heart
the void that always exist
like when the shore craves the tide

even though

even though every single time
day in and day out
the tide drowns the shore

and the shore will never get enough
because without the drowning
it's never complete
that's the true cycle

abrasive drowning
coupled with an infinite longing

the shore cries out for the tide
every day
as it becomes dry
and lonely
and
and
and
and weak
and well
the shore knows nothing else
she wants to know nothing else

she calls out for the tide

and if he doesn't return
shes incomplete

and if she stays incomplete for too long..

well
let us all hope that doesn't happen

because
if it does

well

it signals the world is over.

it was the longest walk of my life
          and the longest pauses
     with the longest argument with myself...
       long story short...
               i lost.
             so i'm dragging my leg
    step by step
       and i don't even need to open my eyes
                it's like
                   i'm so sure
   of whatever is in front of me
            and so sure
               i don't want
                  to see it.
                        ------or hear it
                        ------or feel it
          -----home-----
               or be the first person
         to actually say it...
     that it's just a house
             and it's the longest time i felt
             standing still ever...
                   the porch is still there
                        but the scent of marijuana isn't
    and the garage
           still left open
       and the dent of my head
               still there on the rusty pick up.
                         and the tears mom left
                   i don't know but i smell it...
            it's the same house
               that it was yesterday
        but it's not the same...
                    all of the sudden
           allice charges toward me
           barking as energetic as ever
       and yet it feels
as if i'm not the same person
she licks on the cheek everyday
        ------no------
                   crackling leaves below me
             don't even crackle the same way...
       stepping on dried sticks and twigs
      don't even sound like they did yesterday      
it's like the house itself is telling me
            this is where i don't belong
    this is where i can't belong
         this is where i shouldn't be
                    yet i simply have to be
                 my grandma walked
                       even slower
                           today than ever...
                     "what happened"
                               she asked me----
              ----sigh----
                          and i honestly
                 want to sigh again
                          as deeply as i could
                    and just fall there.
                            ----deep breath----
               it feels like i don't
     even have to say it
                            the look on her face
                  feels like
       her heart is
                        already crumbling
                worse than
                           they did
            when she saw
             my dad
    and her dad
and mom's dad
                          on a coffin going home-----
        as if the same heart
       could rebreak so many times
                   i don't know
            how to stall anymore
   or if there are any
          other ways
                   to sugarcoat
                      a bitter pill
             slathered in mud
             soaked 10feet underwater
                        then buried 6 feet underground
                 "i'm sorry"
       she takes the words
             from my mouth
                      and wraps around me
          this solid warmth...
                so tangible
         so real
                     "you don't have to tell me."
    and then she whispers...
                    inaudible words----
           that smelled a lot
                  like mom's afternoon ****
and her morning omelette with coffee black
              ----home.

incredible,
incapable:
a feeling that's unshakable
like Fate, you know
(it’s make-believe.
Sensational
like seeing things)
So gratefully and
hateful, I am
stirring in my sleep.

so Crucial.
incandescent—
I'm a piece of work
progressing I'm
unsynthesized,
incessant
I’m a Wreck:
an honest blessing.

no illusion,
there‘s no losing
so my pain is
of my choosing
in the end but
Not for now,
if I could soothe
myself somehow,

like to rebreak so to reset it;
Forgive so to forget, I cannot say
I understand
but, ever woefully
I get it.

I hate what it is you do to me
You got some kind of grip on me
Every time i try to leave
I turn around and walk right back
Something tugs, something pulls me back to you
My heart breaks, then it heals just to rebreak
If i leave is that the right choice
What do i do? What do i say?
You got the power over me and i’m so in love
In love with you, physically, emotionally, mentally, soulfully
So in love with you i hope nothing breaks us apart
So in love with you i hope nothing tears us apart
I hope this and i hope that
But baby you’re the only one who can keep us safe
So don’t push me away baby,
i need you just as much as you need me
This life we’ve created has memories
It has bad times, good times, in between times,
And I wouldn’t trade it for anything
My pain, my laughter, my tears, my smiles,
Is everything you manage to bring
I loved you then, i love you now,
I’ll love you until the end of time
I love you with all my heart,
To the moon and back
Infinity and beyond
Forever and always
I hate what it is you do to me
You got some kind of grip on me
Every time i try to leave
I turn around and walk right back
Something tugs, something pulls me back to you
Something tugs….. And something pulls me back to you