Who will forgive me for the things I do?
With no special legend of God to refer to,
With my calm white pedigree, my yankee kin,
I think it would be better to be a Jew.

I forgive you for what you did not do.
I am impossibly quilty. Unlike you,
My Friend, I can not blame my origin
With no special legend or God to refer to.

They wear The Crucifix as they are meant to do.
Why do their little crosses trouble you?
The effigies that I have made are genuine,
(I think it would be better to be a Jew).

Watching my mother slowly die I knew
My first release. I wish some ancient bugaboo
Followed me. But my sin is always my sin.
With no special legend or God to refer to.

Who will forgive me for the things I do?
To have your reasonable hurt to belong to
Might ease my trouble like liquor or aspirin.
I think it would be better to be a Jew.

And if I lie, I lie because I love you,
Because I am bothered by the things I do,
Because your hurt invades my calm white skin:
With no special legend or God to refer to,
I think it would be better to be a Jew.

MH17.... one year further

The grief of families
The loss of lives
Bodyparts in the winter landscape
A year flies
But the 298 victims
They don't speak
They don't cry
They just rest
The rest of the innocent
And the quilty rest
Might never be caught
While the toys as ever hold their tongues
- Heerings July 2015

12.00pm--
now she was floating
in thin air.
she couldn‘t see herself
because she was not
even there.

13.00pm--
she barely heard
the police siren in the
far distance.
she could feel her ghost
slowly separating from
her bleeding body.

14.00pm--
all she felt were hands,
number of hands touching her,
all over her body, examining
her like she was a science project.
she didn't like it.
but soon she was going to be with
him, and that's what calmed her.

15.00pm--
finally, she was finally gone.
she didn't exist anymore.
all she was now,
was a spirit, while
her lifeless body was in
an old coffin.

16.00pm--
before she went and saw him,
she wanted to know how her
mom was holding up.
she certainly didn't expect this,
her only daughter to be dead.
nobody did.

17.00pm--
she saw him.
just a glimpse of him,
but still.
he was here, with her.
finally, they were together,
where they truly belonged.

18.00pm--
she was now in london.
she left the rainy and dull
germany and went here.
she was just a ghost,
she could go anywhere
she wanted.
after a long tine, she was
happy,
whatever that meant, now.

19.00pm--
she hasn't seen him.
she was exploring the world,
but she could sense something
was missing.
it was him.
and she would do anything
in her power to find him.
after all, she killed herself for him.

20.00pm--
he still wasn't found.
she didn't even know where she was,
heaven or hell?
it didn't feel like any of those.

21.00pm--
she was torn.
this wasn't heaven.
nor it was hell either.
it felt like something,
bittersweet.

22.00pm--
she went by her house.
she shouldn't have.
she saw her mom,
crying her eyes out on the
dinning room table.
she felt quilty, for once.
and she kept watching as
her mom screamed and cursed
at the world for her daughter‘s death.

23.00pm--
it wasn't in her nature,
but she gave up.
she shouldn't have,
but she was worn out.
her death, her dying,
was a mistake.
but she realized it a little too late,
and now it was impossible to
turn back time.

No emotions what so ever,
Iv become cold and numb
Like the winters frozen water
Every day I feel emptier n emptier
I know Im supposed to feel some type of feeling but what is there to feel anymore I go on with life day by day in saudade  just reminiscing  on the past and questioning my future , wondering if Ill ever feel happy if Id ever fall in love again but just the thought of it scares me. I go by meeting new ppl every day getting to know them, they start to feel something towards me and me?? Oh nothing I cant feel a thing for no one maybe Im not ready, maybe its not the right time, maybe it was just not ment  for me.
I constantly try to build emotions and try to create a picture but nothing its just a blank sheet.
my feeling are all gone my heart has become numb and defensive . I guess it got tired of being treated like it was nothing, now it treats others like nothing.
I've  become who I said Id never become a cold hearted person that doesnt give a **** about nothing is this good or bad, iv pushed away many and iv used others for my convenience, iv used her as a shield to feel safe to have someone I can come to when Im drunk at 4am but after those drinks leave my system and quilty pleasure is made shes no longer needed
Ive miss treated family members cause they once miss treated me and iv become bitter and hateful cant even talk to them cause a rush of anger builds up
What have I become ?
Just another emotionless person running around breaking hearts cause it desires comfort for just a few minutes because its lost and doesnt know what to feel,
Or just another person that seeks revenge n constantly hates the elderly ?
Daze in n daze out Ive slowly dazed into the un none zone were nothing makes sense anymore .

You haven't heard my cries for help
I felt the worst way - so you were in my list of names
I wasn't alone, but you weren't there
Again, again, you do this to me again
What's your game?

I told you my biggest hopes and fears
and you ran away, ignored me.
You cannot stand - my non-virginity
You cannot stand - I'm not yours, dear
I am not your *****. Maybe he's right about this.
Maybe I loved you, maybe you never did.
But I've got remembrances of you
too deep, too sweet

And when you come, I'll say hello
No matter how many times you missed - the drum
Again, again, again.
It doesn't surprise me at all.
You are Humbert. Or Quilty, who knows. Am I Dolly though?

I don’t know what I have done
I have with favor with the Lord among
I thought I had friends
The response was all pretend
The Lord enlightened me
He is moving me forward
A different direction onward
I can’t even emphasize
It’s wisdom that makes me wise
I have doing God’s will and I am not finished
I have encouraged many to my ability
But now I am considered the enemy
I am a sincere person
Yet friends had no meaning and a deleted pursue
I don’t have hate
I guess I was never an appreciate
There will be a day where people will wish they would hear my voice, but the connection of friendship would be no more
That day will be my end
I will be with glory
It will be my Heavenly Spiritual story
I request the world look into the mirror and see what image needs to be improved
God has a purpose for all of us on this Earth
If you intend to make it to Heaven it starts with a new enriched birth
Love in the heart being a start
I am at depart
I am a friend genuine
I do try to be kind
God rescued me
He makes me what I should be
This is something the world refuses to see
Perhaps the God in me is not to your liking
I have been accused
The Lord finds me not quilty

Through out my life i've mostly found uncertainty and stress, often skeptical and miserabale because my world is such a mess. I don't like making choices for i often get them wrong, never finding any rainbows in the lyrics of a song.My heart and mind in turmoil because they often disagree, fighting all the demons who will never set me free. My hopes i know keep guarded and safely locked away, my dreams i've placed inside a box and there they'll likely stay. I blend into the shadows feeling trapped and unprepared, knowing that my nighmares will soon have me impaired. The fear is all consuming and it takes away my breath, holding on so tightly that it smothers me to death. My heart begins to race and i break into a sweat, because i recognize the monster as it casts it's silhoute. Conving me so easily that what i see is real,and soon the images in my head become a part of my ordeal. I've been swallowed up completly with no means of escape and the multiple images inside my head are more than i can take. Inside i know im screaming but no one hears my cries, the anger just keeps building and fills me with its lies. Years lived with little progress makes it hard to carry on, wondering how a single soul is quilty of such wrong In a fantasy world my voice is so  much louder than a tiny breathless sigh, and my heartache to the point of not believing in those lies. If i dream about a lifetime that may someday set me free, chances are i might have grown up unconditionaly loving me.